Talk About a (Self) Discovery . . .

[00:00:00] This episode is less articulate than maybe you've come to expect from this podcast.

[00:00:05] I'm grappling with something, and in true MoMo fashion, deconstructing it here with you

[00:00:12] in my vulnerability. Tune in!

[00:00:35] Often in the news or on social media, you'll hear about a new discovery. Maybe it's a biblical

[00:00:55] archaeology site that's discovered artifacts from a group mentioned in the Bible. Or maybe

[00:01:01] it's some creature living at the bottom of the ocean no one ever knew existed. Though largely

[00:01:08] undiagnosed most of my life, I've known about my own OCD for about 15 years or so.

[00:01:15] As I frequently mentioned, depending on your source, there are about 6 to 18 subtypes, many

[00:01:24] of which have nothing to do with order, germs or hand washing, or obsessive cleaning. However,

[00:01:31] I recently learned about another one, and it's rocked my world. In fact, if I'm being completely

[00:01:39] honest, it's made me kind of sad seeing it in black and white.

[00:01:43] So I'm throwing a trigger warning out there because I'll talk more about how it's affected

[00:01:49] my mood in case you were wondering about the lack of an episode yesterday.

[00:01:53] I already deal with self-esteem issues because I feel so weird because of my obsessions and

[00:02:01] compulsions. But this one, well, first, let me tell you about it. It's called compulsive speech OCD.

[00:02:11] Here's what I found out about it. Compulsive speech OCD is a type of obsessive compulsive

[00:02:17] disorder that involves repetitive speech behaviors such as asking questions repeatedly, repeating

[00:02:25] words or phrases, making statements repeatedly, stopping mid-sentence to correct mistakes, practicing

[00:02:34] speaking before an event, seeking reassurance from others, avoiding situations where speaking

[00:02:40] is required, continuing to talk until it feels just right. People with compulsive speech OCD may feel

[00:02:49] anxious or uncomfortable when they are unable to express themselves, or they may have an overwhelming

[00:02:55] need to confirm information. These compulsions can range from mild to severe and can interfere with

[00:03:02] daily life. They can also lead to social withdrawal. The second I saw it, memories from across my life

[00:03:11] flooded my mind. Report cards as a kid commenting about my constant talking. Losing friends because of my

[00:03:21] inability to filter words and thoughts. Because I lived in the dark ages as a kid and had to record songs

[00:03:29] and TV shows with a tape recorder. Some of my favorite songs are messed up because I talked all over them.

[00:03:38] Talking to books and the TV and now video games. Constantly narrating everything.

[00:03:47] Seeking reassurance and feedback for every little thing work-wise so I don't make mistakes.

[00:03:53] The editing process for this podcast and the one I had because of the ums and the perfectionistic need

[00:04:03] to edit out every little imperfection. How heavily scripted this podcast is and how I couldn't deal with

[00:04:13] how unscripted my other podcast was. So yeah, it's a lot. A lot of humiliation and shame.

[00:04:22] A heavy weight because I had already been sharing with my husband how I don't know how not to feel

[00:04:30] exhausted all the time from just the mental exertion and permutations I go through dealing with this

[00:04:38] condition. And finding this subtype was like being diagnosed all over again. The criteria in

[00:04:45] diagnosing someone with OCD is that the obsessions or compulsions have to interfere with daily life for

[00:04:53] at least an hour per day. This is my crucible. Before I even knew this was a subtype, I had told loved

[00:05:02] ones that I needed to finish speaking my thoughts. Otherwise, I would continue to repeat them because I

[00:05:09] didn't feel heard or that I'd expressed them right. Sometimes it's the order of the words. If I need to

[00:05:16] repeat myself, I need to go back a little ways to do it. If I get cut off, I become overly frustrated

[00:05:25] because the thought didn't get completed and it didn't get completed in the right way. If you remember

[00:05:33] during the series I did during OCD Awareness Week, much of OCD is about things feeling right. I'm opening

[00:05:42] up and being vulnerable about life with OCD because I want others to truly understand the mental gymnastics

[00:05:49] inherent in this condition. It's why I bristle at the OCD jokes so much and why saying lighten up

[00:05:59] is so demeaning, dismissive, and devaluing. Honestly, I long for the day spoken of in Revelation 21.4.

[00:06:10] He will wipe away every tear from their eyes and there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain

[00:06:20] for the former things have passed away. I do know that there are blessings that come with this condition.

[00:06:27] I've discussed them in past episodes and I am truly thankful for them. And I know I need to lean into

[00:06:36] them with my focus. I'm sorry if this was a downer during a holiday week. However, I vowed to be

[00:06:44] authentic here and for me it is a sacred space to process. So there you have it, warts and all.

[00:06:53] Speaking of Thanksgiving, I'm scheduling a repeat episode for tomorrow so I can fully be present and

[00:07:00] focus on my family. We will list our blessings as is our tradition and among them will be each of you

[00:07:08] and this podcast. I should be back on Friday, Lord willing, with a twist on the day. Until then,

[00:07:16] friends, enjoy.

[00:07:20] Thanks for listening to Momo 634. Motivational moments just for today. Please subscribe,

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