9 Traits to Cultivate a Fruitful Marriage: Patience

[00:00:00] Hello and welcome to the Trim the Wick podcast. I'm Dan and I'm Becky. Hi, how are you doing? Hey, Becky, how you doing? I'm good sitting in the sunshine today. We are enjoying some of this beautiful Florida air and weather and it's amazing as we get to sit on our back dock. I'm not sure it's a dock. It's a deck. It's called the Back Deck recording studio.

[00:00:30] We are outside again today. So you might hear some birds or dogs or cars who knows what you might hear in the background? It is fantastic today. Just give your heads up if you're going, what is that? Hey, or something in the background? That's because we are again enjoying the outdoors. It's good to get out and about. It is. You know, it's one of those things. It's like, you know, it's nice to be in a studio to have, you know, all of the things of a studio where you can

[00:01:00] control it all, you know, and you don't have to take so many takes as a dog barking in the background or something. But, you know, it being outside and just enjoying the outdoors is just you can't put a price tag on it. No, you can't. Well guys, you got to understand too. We lived up what three years of our lives in an RV. Yeah. And most of that time we spent outdoors. So we got to kind of like being out here. Yeah, we do. We enjoy it. We really enjoyed.

[00:01:28] So Becky, we are continuing with our series. We are and we are getting some feedback. People are enjoying what we're doing and giving us some comments and stuff. And we want to ask that you continue to do that. Please, please, please send us your comments. You can send them to Dan at Matthew 257.com.

[00:01:52] And if you have something question, comment. Just let us know we'd love to answer those questions and stuff. Okay. So this might be a good time to kind of jump in and do a quick catch up for those that are just joining us mid series. And we're about a third of the way through this. So we've been talking about the nine traits to cultivate for a fruitful marriage. And so we're taking that from Galatians chapter five.

[00:02:18] Starting in verse 22, but the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control against such things. There is no law. And we've been talking about how in a marriage, a godly marriage, the spirit has to be present.

[00:02:39] And so the fruits of the spirit have to be present, not just kind of in some generalized sense, but in actual practice toward one another.

[00:02:50] If our marriages are going to thrive. So we've covered love. We've covered joy. We've covered peace. If y'all miss those go back and get them there on there on our Facebook page.

[00:02:59] They're on what all of your podcast streaming places. And they're also on our locals.com.

[00:03:06] And today, yeah, today we are talking about something that is very important. And I think something that's really misunderstood in marriages is this word patience.

[00:03:20] You know, because a lot of people think when you have patience, that means you just you're just supposed to grin and bury right that patience is that thing where you're just supposed to grit your teeth.

[00:03:31] And just I got to get through this. Just get it out. We're going to do just get through this. And that's not at all what patience means. Now, patience does mean long suffering. That's one of the definitions.

[00:03:44] And it also is a slowness in response right and even it says a slowness to anger is also one of the things that it says. But wait, that sounds like kind of how God is to us, right slow to anger.

[00:03:57] Yeah, yeah. See this is how these things all work together. I love this definition that I saw it because it shows that it says that it's it is a passive waiting.

[00:04:09] Or gentle tolerance.

[00:04:11] Gentle there we go.

[00:04:13] And that it is translated from the Greek and is translated as patience. That's the actual translation for it. But the word should be and could be translated into endurance.

[00:04:28] Ah, so it's not just sitting around just sitting in whatever you're in right. It's continuing to walk forward. It's continuing to endure. There's activity involved.

[00:04:40] Right now, one of the verses that it comes from is in Hebrews 12.1. It says there therefore since we are also surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses. Let us lay aside every weight and the sin which is so easily besets us and let us run with patience.

[00:05:02] Ah, same word.

[00:05:04] The race that is set before us now if it's one of these things that we're just supposed to grin and bear we're supposed to just deal how are we running while we're doing exactly exactly.

[00:05:15] So patience there's an activity. There's an action that should be in this thing patience. And this is where I believe words so important because a lot of times people will say well you know you're sitting here with these children and they're just driving everyone nuts

[00:05:31] but you have such patience with them because you can just sit in this room and take it. What they're not seeing is the active part of that.

[00:05:40] Right. The praying for the kids right that you are actually still in charge even though there is what looks to be you know organized chaos right.

[00:05:50] So I think in marriage this is one of the things that can to me be one of the hazards is this idea of just sitting back and taking it or grin and bear it and not actually have patience is that thing of endurance.

[00:06:04] It's also that thing of it's a there's a hope that's attached to patience right. There is a prize for having patience right well and the grin and bear it attitude

[00:06:18] is something that can actually cause harm in your marriage if you're patience. If you are defining patience in your marriage as just putting up with bad behavior from your spouse or if it's just

[00:06:33] selling me resigning yourself to a difficult situation not only are you removing hope from the situation but you are creating a wedge between you and your spouse right.

[00:06:46] I'm just going to sit here and stew in my frustration I'm not going to talk to you about it I'm not going to acknowledge what's going on essentially I'm deceiving both myself and you that there even is an issue right because I'm putting on a mask

[00:07:02] of patience just sitting there that's not what patience is patience acknowledges that there's a hard thing right we're running with patience or race.

[00:07:15] Running is active running says yep I see that there's a path before us to be traveled and it's hard and it's taxing my muscles and I'm getting out of breath along the way but I'm not going to deny

[00:07:28] that there's a race and a path ahead of me right so it's true patience doesn't lie to itself or to the spouse there's an environment here.

[00:07:40] You know but it says you know what in this environment I'm still going to actively love you right I'm still going to have joy I'm going to hope that there is a future and hope is an active thing right.

[00:07:58] You know I'm going to actively pursue peace with you with the environment and with God I'm not just going to sit here resign myself and say oh well it is what it is and ain't nothing I can do about it right.

[00:08:13] And again this is where all these things build on each other you know you start with love and how that sacrificial thing of putting each other ahead of each other putting each other above each other

[00:08:26] that joy of being able to rejoice in all situations to be able to see what the future is you know and to have joy in that even in the hardest of times.

[00:08:40] And then the peace how we talked about that the peace is a harmony between the couple and this builds on top of that because this is where where the rubber meets the road.

[00:08:53] Right this is where it gets tested exactly you know you look at all these things and you're like okay well how does this come to you know when will this be used well your love your joy in your peace get put to the test in patience right.

[00:09:08] And when you're going through the trial or you're going through the thing you are running the race you're running a race of this marriage and in that the endurance

[00:09:20] that keeping your head down you know and working through it and even struggling at sometimes.

[00:09:27] Right I've never done a long race I used to run in high school but it was not really running it was just I was a paceman for another runner who was actually good.

[00:09:37] My experiences of those long endurance things of physical endurance would you know be more soccer.

[00:09:44] And you know I always remembered one of the things that I put in front of myself was that I wanted to be able to run as hard at the end of the game is I did at the beginning of the game right and are at the match.

[00:09:58] And so you know you do pace yourself you do those things but you also work yourself to build up the strength to be there in a marriage there are things where you're going to be tested.

[00:10:13] Where are some of those things were those baseline basic things where you actually get tested on your patients.

[00:10:19] I'm kind of going to turn that around and share how your patients was tested by me this week.

[00:10:26] Y'all I had a tough week it's been a week where my body has you know I've got a 51 year old body that's kind of letting me know that it needs me to take care of it a little more than I have in the past.

[00:10:40] I've been a little bit tired there have been some things going on in other people's lives that that have been an emotional weight on me and when when I carry emotional weights I sometimes get up in my head and it makes functioning in other ways.

[00:11:00] It's difficult for me and what what that comes out and looks like in our marriage relationship sometimes Dan is left be in the one who has to really encourage me to get up and run the race today.

[00:11:17] And I know that can be a frustration because my goodness you're 51 years old woman can't you get your own self out of bed and get moving.

[00:11:25] You know where the source of these things is why can't you get yourself together and he's been so patient with me this week because I haven't had myself completely together but he has instead of putting in front of me my failures this week.

[00:11:42] He has been patient and been willing to come along side of me link arms with me and go hey I'm going to pray with you right now.

[00:11:53] Okay I prayed with you your list is three miles long what's the first thing you're going to do right and he just encourages me to take the first step he knows me well

[00:12:07] and he sees where I'm weak right now and instead of pointing out my weakness instead of highlighting that he comes along side is patient with me

[00:12:23] and says hey we're running this race and we need to do it with endurance and we're going the same place together

[00:12:30] and you're just you're kind of lag your pace is lagging right your pace is falling behind a little bit I'm going to come over and help you

[00:12:39] and that has been you've you've shown a beautiful example of patients in our marriage this week because I have been in a place where it would be very easy to get impatient with me

[00:12:52] because there are things that need to be done there are you know there are dishes that need to be washed and there are tasks that need to be done and we run a couple of businesses in our household so there's financials that have to happen

[00:13:05] and they're dealing with clients and there's phone calls that have to be returned and there's emails that there's all the things right

[00:13:11] and instead of shoving the list in my face and telling me to suck it up and keep going right you are patient

[00:13:21] and that I love that part of the definition that you said earlier where it was gentle you know that there was a gentle pressure

[00:13:31] there was a pushing me forward helping me come forward but it was with gentleness and it was with kindness and it was with of you to fill in

[00:13:41] where I was lacking this week right well and this again goes back to why it is so important that you have the Holy Spirit in the middle of your marriage

[00:13:52] that you have God in the middle of your marriage because what you do is and here's the practical of this is that it wasn't that I didn't want these things to happen

[00:14:05] it wasn't that I wasn't looking around and going well I guess we're just not going to pay this bill

[00:14:11] or I guess this is just not going to get done or whatever you know there was an active part of it on my part of it

[00:14:17] right and this is where again leaning on the Holy Spirit going Holy Spirit give me direction

[00:14:25] give me guidance what do I need to say to be an encouragement and not a condemnation

[00:14:31] right you know that's an important distinction well and I think this is again this is why I believe this is so important that we're doing this lesson

[00:14:41] and doing these lessons is that we just go okay we're married so we're just going to be able to we just got to get through this

[00:14:48] we just got to work this out you and I just got to work these things out and we got a hammer it out and we got a you know a lot of times

[00:14:55] we don't know the answers we don't have the answers or we're weak ourselves and we need the encouragement and strength

[00:15:05] right we need to go to God first and say God what do I need to do where where is the strength that I need

[00:15:12] right okay God's power give me patience you know and then Holy Spirit give me insight to what I need to say what I need to pray

[00:15:22] I don't know what to pray oh thank you Holy Spirit for telling me that even in my understanding or lack of understanding and groaning

[00:15:31] you know that you're going to pray for me right and you go before me and so many couples they try to do it in their own power in their own strength

[00:15:41] and they leave God out of it they leave Holy Spirit out of it and this is why to me it's so important to have these traits the fruit of the spirit

[00:15:50] in the middle of your marriage and that they are not just great things to live your life by but these are things that will hold your marriage together

[00:16:00] because just as good as they are to help you with living your life they're also good to encourage your marriage and strengthen your marriage

[00:16:09] absolutely you know so going to practical things you know what do I do when I'm confronted with the situation when I first I need to pray myself

[00:16:18] I need to step into my spiritual maturity and I need to humble myself and pray and go why am I getting upset at this or why am I getting angry at this why am I God give me insight help me

[00:16:33] and then okay God now these are the words I need to save encouragement this is what I'm going to do in encouragement

[00:16:41] now what do I need to pray how do I pray for my wife how do I pray for my spouse got what do I need to say to you

[00:16:51] because there are times and you and I we've been through it when there is you're in such a bad place or I'm in such a bad place

[00:17:01] at that moment that there's no physical words that you or I going to say to each other that are going to help

[00:17:09] right that it's going to be more of a condemnation or more of it so what I need to happen is I need a Holy Spirit to speak

[00:17:20] and speak to you which means a lot of times I just need to get quiet and I need to pray for you

[00:17:29] and instead of going you know it's four o'clock there's only a couple more hours left in today you know and we've got something to do tonight

[00:17:38] are you going to take care of this?

[00:17:40] Are you going to get through this?

[00:17:41] Well because the bottom line of that too I'm going to go back for just a second to that encouragement versus condemnation thing

[00:17:48] the reality is that 99% of humanity when they're when they're the one that's in that weak place

[00:17:57] there's enough self condemnation going on inside their head and so when we are looking to have patients with our spouse

[00:18:07] adding to what's all what the enemy's already using against them to keep them stuck in their head

[00:18:13] is not going to pull them out of it we do need to go before the father

[00:18:17] yeah and again this is standing in the gap

[00:18:21] yeah you know we don't think of it that way when I'm enduring or what I need to have patients in a situation

[00:18:28] that I actually need to stand in the gap in that situation

[00:18:32] that it is requiring me to pray it is requiring me to humble myself in the situation

[00:18:41] and you were saying you know this is when the enemy runs right through marriages

[00:18:47] yeah because what happens is you get all up in your head

[00:18:51] the enemy is just shooting those fiery darts one after another

[00:18:55] and when you're at your weakest you're getting just hit with everyone it seems like every one of them just hits perfect

[00:19:03] yeah as the spouse you know and we're talking this more is in the spouse dealing with the situation

[00:19:10] the spouse then you're your patients you're endurance that you have to have in that has to be spiritually aware

[00:19:18] right of what's going on

[00:19:20] you need to see what's happening to your partner yeah and you've got to be able to step in spiritually

[00:19:26] not always physically and like I said sometimes the your mental state and everything is so high

[00:19:33] and at such a sensitive and tender thing that words or it doesn't come off as an individual

[00:19:41] right so you need to do spiritual battle for your spouse

[00:19:45] and again this is where you need to step in humble self pray now let's talk about children

[00:19:54] and when you're dealing with children that are driving you up a wall

[00:19:58] and are just making you crazy because with children I believe it's a little bit different

[00:20:05] everything is still the same you're still going to pray the same principles same things

[00:20:11] but now how do you deal with the correction with the child now that you've just gone through this

[00:20:19] because when you're in the middle of it you now are at peak your sensitive

[00:20:25] you're going through the patients you know you're having a patient to your child who is just pushing every button

[00:20:31] every button you got

[00:20:33] and this is where it's so important that you have that ongoing constant direct line to the father

[00:20:40] through the Holy Spirit because guide is our example as a parent right he's the father

[00:20:47] right so the patients that he exhibits towards us is the very patients that we need to exhibit towards our children

[00:20:54] because again let's expand this thing we've been talking about how the marriage is the picture of Jesus

[00:21:01] and the bride right that this is the children are the picture right of the father and his children

[00:21:09] and so as we parent our children we need to be teaching them who God the father is

[00:21:16] in how we deal with them his brand of long suffering is incredible because there are times that as a parent it's easier

[00:21:26] I won't say it's easy it's easier to have patients with a child who you know is just learning something right when

[00:21:34] when the toddler is trying to walk and just getting their feet at end of them

[00:21:38] you can have patients with that right they're going to fall down a thousand times they're going to bump their heads

[00:21:42] they're going to break things if they it's but they don't know any better right it's easier

[00:21:49] to have patients and hold your own emotions in check and bring that coming alongside encouraging raising up attitude

[00:21:59] right towards your parenting in that moment but man when you've got that three-year-old

[00:22:05] that now is just willful and defiant and doing it on purpose and looking you in the eye as they do

[00:22:15] exactly what you just told them to not to do and you just want to roll that

[00:22:19] and then you really get a little sense of what father God goes through right that even when there is willful

[00:22:30] rebellion in your home even the correction is handled in love because God the father has from the foundation of the world

[00:22:40] he knew that we were going to rebel against him he knew there was going to be active resistance to his love and his goodness

[00:22:46] and his kindness he knew and in the face of that he didn't sentence us to death eternally

[00:22:55] he provided away for our redemption right so when we're looking at our kids and they're trying every last nerve

[00:23:05] we need to remember that our role as godly parents is to bridge that same gap for them is to reconcile them to the father

[00:23:19] is to show them his character and how he loves them and so when I'm coming to my kid with correction

[00:23:29] I'm not coming to them to control them right I'm not coming to them looking to put them in their place

[00:23:38] and you will know that I'm the authority and you're the underlay I'm not coming to them this is an easy one to fall into

[00:23:45] I'm not coming to them so that they won't make me look bad with their behavior

[00:23:51] I'm coming to them because what they're doing is going to ultimately cause harm to them

[00:23:59] and I love them and don't want to see that harm come to them again like you did with me

[00:24:06] I'm going to come to where they are link arms with them and go let's walk to a better place together

[00:24:16] and that gives you patience if you can remember that your goal has nothing to do with how other people view you and your family

[00:24:25] has nothing to do with whether you control your kids or not because god the father does not seek to control us

[00:24:35] he desires to have relationship with us but he does not look to control us

[00:24:41] and so he has great forbearance he holds off and he comes alongside and he says come with me please come with me

[00:24:51] because I want what's good for you and that's patience right?

[00:24:57] yeah and I think you know you hit on so many things there the whole thing of the embarrassment

[00:25:03] and a lot of times when you are being patient there is that this situation is making me look bad

[00:25:13] and then that's where pride comes up and now you're fighting not only are you fighting a situation mentally

[00:25:23] or you're battling the basic situation that you're dealing with with your child but you're now fighting your pride

[00:25:31] you know you're now fighting shame and all these things and again this is where how the enemy just starts snowballing on us

[00:25:42] and starts tearing us down and beating us up why can't I just be patient with my child

[00:25:46] well it's because all these other things it it starts multiplying and our brain

[00:25:52] and it starts multiplying and how it's attacking us

[00:25:56] yeah and I'm going to pull it back from the kids those same emotions that say in shame and guilt

[00:26:02] and that can come in between spouses too yeah we've we've been in this a long time we've we've dealt

[00:26:10] with a lot of marriages and we've listened to a lot of couples describe their relationship with one another

[00:26:18] and he embarrasses me she doesn't act right there's so many things where we look at not having patience

[00:26:28] being gently enduring with our spouse because we care about what's good for them

[00:26:34] but we get all up in how we're going to be perceived if we're tied to them

[00:26:40] and that will kill a marriage it will absolutely kill a marriage if I am if I'm looking at you

[00:26:46] okay I'm going to get real personal here for a second okay this is something y'all need to know

[00:26:51] that we did not allow to invade our marriage,

[00:26:54] but I was invited by somebody outside of our marriage

[00:26:59] to join them in looking down on

[00:27:03] and being embarrassed by who you are.

[00:27:07] Right?

[00:27:08] You remember this?

[00:27:09] Right.

[00:27:10] I was invited to agree with them and say,

[00:27:14] oh my gosh, the music that he listens to,

[00:27:19] the freedom and joyful play that he has

[00:27:23] with the youth group is so immature.

[00:27:28] How can you, I was invited to side

[00:27:31] with somebody against my spouse?

[00:27:34] Mm-hmm.

[00:27:35] Okay.

[00:27:36] In that moment, if I hadn't gone, no,

[00:27:41] I have great patience with his joy and playfulness

[00:27:44] because it's good.

[00:27:46] It's good for him.

[00:27:48] It's good for his relationships with the teenagers

[00:27:51] that he's reaching out to.

[00:27:52] It's good for his relationships with our children

[00:27:55] and oh, by the way, his joy and playfulness sets an example

[00:27:59] for me when I'm inclined to be a little too serious

[00:28:03] and take myself too seriously sometimes.

[00:28:05] I mean that in him.

[00:28:07] And so when you're invited to get impatient

[00:28:11] with the character traits of your spouse,

[00:28:15] step back for just a minute and remember that that spouse

[00:28:20] is the one that you made your vows to.

[00:28:22] Right.

[00:28:23] That spouse is the one that you said,

[00:28:24] I'm going to become one with them

[00:28:26] and there are going to be people who will invite you

[00:28:30] to get impatient, who will invite you to try and go,

[00:28:35] shouldn't you come along and be somebody different

[00:28:38] than who you are?

[00:28:40] Don't get impatient with your spouse.

[00:28:42] Right.

[00:28:43] How God knit them together to be exactly

[00:28:47] who you need them to be.

[00:28:49] This is where again, we've got to have the Holy Spirit

[00:28:53] working out daily in our marriages

[00:28:57] because the attacks come from our minds,

[00:29:01] the attacks come from things that happen,

[00:29:04] external things that just happen to us

[00:29:06] and there's a lot of times when attacks will come

[00:29:09] from other people who are being my favorite

[00:29:13] and most horrifying statement I ever make

[00:29:15] is by well-meaning adults,

[00:29:18] there's well-meaning people that can just destroy you.

[00:29:23] Right.

[00:29:23] Having patience, having endurance in your marriage

[00:29:27] with your spouse, with your children.

[00:29:29] Even with the character traits that sometimes annoy you.

[00:29:32] Yep.

[00:29:33] You are putting something on front of you

[00:29:35] that's greater than what you're going through.

[00:29:38] Yep.

[00:29:39] We're talking about this after 33 years of marriage

[00:29:44] and we've tested this.

[00:29:46] We've put this to the test

[00:29:48] and I can say where we are now

[00:29:50] and our marriage is greater and better

[00:29:53] than where we were 20 years ago

[00:29:55] or 10 years ago or 15 years ago

[00:29:58] and because we have put these things to the test,

[00:30:02] they've come out to be true

[00:30:04] and that it is important.

[00:30:06] To kind of wrap up on this idea,

[00:30:09] this article that I referenced at the beginning

[00:30:11] at the end paragraph it says,

[00:30:13] a Christian runs the race patiently.

[00:30:16] To kind of wrap up on this idea of patience

[00:30:21] referencing the article that we talked about

[00:30:24] at the beginning, he puts down,

[00:30:27] in the Bible, patience is persevering towards a goal

[00:30:31] enduring trials or expectantly waiting

[00:30:36] for a promise to be fulfilled.

[00:30:39] We need to be patient with our spouse.

[00:30:42] We need to be patient with our children

[00:30:44] because those are the things that we have before us.

[00:30:48] The goals of like I was saying,

[00:30:51] when we're 50, we're looking at each other

[00:30:53] and going, man this is so good.

[00:30:55] When we were 20s, we were going, man this is so good.

[00:30:59] When we were in our 30s, we were going, man this is so good.

[00:31:02] It's for all times and through all parts of the marriage.

[00:31:05] Absolutely.

[00:31:06] So we need to strengthen those muscles, right?

[00:31:09] And learn to run to the one who gives us the ability

[00:31:13] to persevere like that.

[00:31:15] That's right.

[00:31:16] Who reminds us what the goal and the promise is.

[00:31:19] Yes, and why you made the vials to begin with.

[00:31:23] Absolutely.

[00:31:24] So we want to thank you so much this week.

[00:31:28] We're going to wrap it up there.

[00:31:29] Listen, we just appreciate you being a part of this podcast

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[00:31:59] Spotify or anything, next podcast is already out

[00:32:04] on our locals.

[00:32:06] So the next week is already out if you're hearing this

[00:32:09] on those apps.

[00:32:12] So if you're enjoying this and you want to get the content

[00:32:17] a week early or you just want to support what Becky and I

[00:32:21] are doing, right?

[00:32:22] Locals is a great way to do it.

[00:32:24] You've got to make an account.

[00:32:26] And once you make an account, you can support our channel,

[00:32:29] which is Trim the Wick or our community.

[00:32:32] Just Trim the Wick.

[00:32:33] And it's $5 a minimum, $5 a month.

[00:32:37] You get this.

[00:32:38] Becky writes blogs twice a week.

[00:32:41] And they come out early also on our locals.

[00:32:46] We also do special videos and special announcements.

[00:32:51] And what's also great about our locals

[00:32:53] is that you can participate in what we do.

[00:32:57] And that's the part that we are super excited about.

[00:33:01] Is we want to allow you the opportunity

[00:33:03] to talk with us, to share what God's doing with you

[00:33:07] through these podcasts, through the videos, and everything else.

[00:33:10] And you can participate.

[00:33:12] And you can post on the timeline just

[00:33:15] like it was Facebook or something like that.

[00:33:19] And we can interact with other people

[00:33:21] that are on our locals.

[00:33:23] We want to just encourage you to be a part of that.

[00:33:25] It would be a great thing and a great blessing to us.

[00:33:29] So again, thank you so much for being with us.

[00:33:32] And we've done love, joy, peace, patience.

[00:33:37] Next week, do you know what it is?

[00:33:40] We got kindness next week.

[00:33:42] We got kindness.

[00:33:43] And that's a lot there.

[00:33:47] I'm kind of.

[00:33:48] Because again, I don't think it means what you think it means.

[00:33:52] Spoilers.

[00:33:53] And so we want to just invite you back next week.

[00:33:57] Thank you guys so much.

[00:33:58] And we appreciate you listening.

[00:34:00] We'll see you next week.

[00:34:01] OK, love you.

[00:34:02] Bye-bye.