9 Traits to Cultivate a Fruitful Marriage: Gentleness

[00:00:00] Guys have a hard time being gentle in this way because they feel like it's showing weakness

[00:00:09] Well hello again and welcome back to the Trim the Wick podcast I'm Dan

[00:00:13] And I'm Becky

[00:00:15] And we are with you again this week and beautiful, beautiful outdoors

[00:00:21] And I'm just telling you right now, God has really done an amazing thing this spring here in Florida

[00:00:27] We've had some great weather

[00:00:29] It's been gorgeous, blue skies, sunshine

[00:00:32] We've had a few cardinals flying through our backyard

[00:00:35] Yeah so we're gonna just be able to sit back and relax and kind of enjoy the outdoors as we talked about this a lot Becky

[00:00:45] One of the things about the home is that it's a peaceful place

[00:00:49] That it's a place where you want to hang out

[00:00:51] Right

[00:00:52] Your home should be a place where you want to be

[00:00:55] Right, not always having to run away from it

[00:00:58] Right, you know and it's good to get away

[00:01:00] I love new things and going to different places and stuff like that

[00:01:04] It is always good just to be able to sit and relax at home and enjoy your own backyard

[00:01:10] It is

[00:01:11] And so we're doing that this week and we want to invite you to be with us as we continue in our series

[00:01:20] Now we're almost done with this series believe it or not

[00:01:23] We are this is week number eight

[00:01:26] Right

[00:01:27] And so we're gonna be talking about this is can you do a quick little recap Becky and give us a you do so well you do this so good

[00:01:34] I read really good

[00:01:35] I know you are a good reader

[00:01:39] Yeah just give us a little background of the series and kind of get everybody up to date if they're just jumping in here

[00:01:46] All right so we've been going through the Galatians chapter five verse 22 passage where it lays out the nine fruits of the spirit

[00:01:55] And then we go over practically applying how each one of those fruits applies in your married life

[00:02:02] You know we talk about how they apply in ministry life we talk about how they apply in our church activities

[00:02:09] And sometimes people will go even so far as to talk about it and bear those fruits of the spirit in your workplace or in your community

[00:02:17] It seems like one of the places that we neglect greatly is understanding that when we have the Holy Spirit in dwelling us

[00:02:26] Those fruits should be very very evident in our marriage and in our home because after all the marriage is the first church right

[00:02:36] Yeah

[00:02:37] It's the first community it's the first it's the first it was Adam and it was Eve and and these fruits of the spirit need to be at work

[00:02:45] and at play in our homes first

[00:02:49] Yes

[00:02:50] So what are they? Well let's read the passage real quick it's but the fruit of the spirit those things that grow out of having the Holy Spirit in dwelling you

[00:03:00] Is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness which is what we're going to talk about today

[00:03:11] And next week it will be self-control right against such things there is no law

[00:03:16] Yep and again these are things that when the Holy Spirit is within you is things that your life will just naturally produce

[00:03:25] Right

[00:03:26] We definitely need to weed we definitely need to give you know sunshine and and do the things put ourselves in situation water with the word

[00:03:37] Right

[00:03:38] It has to be cultivated right

[00:03:39] These are not things that we can just muster up and go oh I'm going to have joy or I'm going to have peace you know dog gone it

[00:03:50] I don't everyone needs a shut up so I can have peace you know it's

[00:03:54] That's not real peace is it

[00:03:56] Yeah and and it's the same thing with love this these are things that are outgrowth sees our fruit these are things that are produced in us as the Holy Spirit grows in us

[00:04:07] And and lives in us these are things that are going to come out of us naturally

[00:04:12] Right which is why primary to a healthy marriage is each partner in that marriage having a solid relationship with God

[00:04:23] Right

[00:04:24] Right because it's it's only through that relationship with God that the Holy Spirit bears those things out in our lives

[00:04:30] Right

[00:04:31] And I think that's one of the things that maybe we need to just revisit real quick is that you know one of the definitions that we talked about in the first episode weeks and weeks ago was that our definition of marriage is between a man and a woman as a covenant unto God

[00:04:47] Right

[00:04:48] And that God is in the middle of it that God is the main player in your marriage covenant in your marriage relationship

[00:04:55] Right so we are talking about Christian marriages here

[00:04:59] Yes and it's got to be a situation where both of you are striving to walk with Christ and to grow spiritually and allow the Holy Spirit to work in you

[00:05:11] Right

[00:05:12] Now we're going to talk a little bit here at the end of all of these sessions when you're not in that situation

[00:05:18] Right

[00:05:19] And we're going to get into that

[00:05:20] Because we understand that marriages aren't always set on that foundation

[00:05:25] Correct

[00:05:26] Right

[00:05:27] And we're going to get into that next week but we wanted to kind of give you an idea of this is where we're starting from

[00:05:32] Right

[00:05:33] This is the starting point because we do believe that the Holy Spirit is what is going to be producing these things in you to make your marriage fruitful

[00:05:43] Right

[00:05:44] And to make your marriage a loving marriage even when you've been married 20, 30, 40 years

[00:05:50] Right

[00:05:51] And that you're going to be able to look back and see those times and those milestones and those things where God was working through you and your spouse

[00:06:01] And bringing you closer together because the goal is to be one

[00:06:06] Right

[00:06:07] That is the ultimate goal as your marriage continues to grow and get stronger and stuff

[00:06:13] So that's where we're at, that's kind of where we want to start off at and explaining

[00:06:18] But this week we're going to talk about gentleness

[00:06:22] Right

[00:06:23] And again another word that I think when you think of gentleness that the idea is that oh that means I'm supposed to just be soft

[00:06:33] Right

[00:06:34] I'm supposed to come up and pet my wife, pet her hair and I'm supposed to be gentle when I'm speaking to her

[00:06:41] I'm not supposed to use harsh words and when I speak to the kids or you know I'm just everything is supposed to be soft

[00:06:47] And in our mind because that's kind of our English idea of gentle

[00:06:52] I mean in our mind that's kind of what we think of what it means to be gentle

[00:06:56] Right

[00:06:57] I'm just in my mind I'm seeing that toddler that's reaching out to pet the puppy and you're going oh gentle hands, gentle hands, gentle hands

[00:07:06] I know the hair will grow back eventually but please don't take a handful

[00:07:11] Just gentle hands and it's and that softness is part of expressing gentleness but it's not the full depth of it

[00:07:20] Right

[00:07:21] Well let's look at a definition real quick

[00:07:23] There's a biblical definition of that word and it's a and I'm going to butcher this because I do not speak English very well

[00:07:30] So you know I will not speak Greek very well

[00:07:33] It's pro-hoteis

[00:07:35] Pro-hoteis is the word that is used in this and it means consideration, humility, meekness and what else

[00:07:45] Right and one of the expanded definitions that we came across really diving into that Greek word

[00:07:52] Is that it's a strength that accommodates another's weakness

[00:07:58] That little toddler is just stuck in my head

[00:08:00] So when we're asking that little toddler to use gentle hands approaching the little puppy

[00:08:07] We know that that toddler has the capacity and the strength to just whack that puppy in the head

[00:08:12] Right

[00:08:13] And it would hurt and even though the toddler was just excited and trying to express love

[00:08:21] And wanting to be sweet, the puppy would not have experienced that as love at all right

[00:08:27] Right

[00:08:28] So we're asking that child to pull back a little bit on their strength and to approach the puppy with gentle hands

[00:08:36] So that when they touch it, it is a kind touch

[00:08:40] It is not a harsh touch, it is not a hurtful touch

[00:08:44] It comes across as an expression of what the child actually means

[00:08:49] Right

[00:08:50] The child is actually saying I love you to this puppy

[00:08:53] Right

[00:08:54] But if they don't restrain their strength a little bit, it's going to feel to the puppy

[00:08:58] Like ouch that's an assault and you're mad at me

[00:09:01] Yeah

[00:09:02] Right

[00:09:03] And so similarly in our marriages I think there are times when we're dealing with one another

[00:09:09] And we have strong opinions that we want to voice or we have strong emotions that we're dealing with

[00:09:17] We want to convey those to one another or there are strong circumstances happening around us

[00:09:23] Right

[00:09:24] That we're trying to deal with and if we're not careful, if we don't take our strength

[00:09:30] And kind of meter it a little bit, put a restrictor on it just a little bit

[00:09:35] If we don't accommodate how the receiving end of that is going to receive it

[00:09:41] Right

[00:09:42] Then our intent and our heart gets lost

[00:09:44] You know when I think of the gentleness and looking at it in this larger definition, this larger understanding

[00:09:51] Is that the actual act is a small, small portion of this

[00:09:56] Right

[00:09:57] You know what we're actually talking about is the things that lead up to that act

[00:10:02] Right

[00:10:03] You know all of the restraining of the strength, meekness

[00:10:08] Mm-hmm

[00:10:09] Power under control

[00:10:10] Exactly

[00:10:11] Power under control is not a, meekness is not a weak, is not the same as weakness

[00:10:18] You know and I know a lot of people say that oh you're just being weak

[00:10:22] No, you look at the ocean and can see how sometimes the ocean can just be glass

[00:10:30] Mm-hmm

[00:10:31] You know and you can walk up and we've gone to the beach so many times here in Florida

[00:10:35] You know and it's just been just no waves, just beautiful especially on the west coast

[00:10:42] And you can just walk out in the water and it is there

[00:10:46] And you can touch it and you can lays up, laps up on your feet or something and stuff like that

[00:10:51] But we've also seen when a hurricane comes

[00:10:54] Right

[00:10:55] And we've been out in the beach during a tropical storm or a hurricane's coming

[00:10:59] And seen the actual power, the strength that the ocean has

[00:11:04] Right

[00:11:04] Just because at that moment where it is not displaying its power and strength

[00:11:11] Doesn't mean it doesn't exist

[00:11:13] Exactly

[00:11:14] So in this idea of gentleness, I know in a lot of relationships it's hard for the man to go

[00:11:22] I'm going to show meekness

[00:11:25] Mm-hmm

[00:11:26] I've always got to be strong for my wife

[00:11:28] I've heard that I'm hurting, I can't tell her that I hide my feelings

[00:11:33] Because if I show her that it's going to be a sign of weakness to her

[00:11:39] And what I think guys miss out on is that when you're showing your wife gentleness

[00:11:49] Right

[00:11:50] When you're showing and showing your hurting a little bit

[00:11:54] You're showing these things

[00:11:55] It's not showing that you're weak

[00:11:57] It is showing that, number one, who you are

[00:12:00] And that you are a human and you are a person

[00:12:03] But it also shows that you can have feelings and emotions

[00:12:09] So when you're being gentle, your wife understands that the strength that is behind that

[00:12:16] Right

[00:12:17] That's being held back

[00:12:18] And I don't know if I explained that well at all

[00:12:20] I might have gone around the traffic circle about three times to get there on that one

[00:12:25] But I think with guys is guys have a hard time being gentle in this way

[00:12:33] Because they feel like it's showing weakness

[00:12:36] Right

[00:12:37] And they can't show that to their wife because in their eyes they think that their wife is looking at them and saying that they're weak

[00:12:49] Right

[00:12:50] When in fact it actually is a comfort to the wife to know

[00:12:55] You know what?

[00:12:56] You trust me enough to be real with me about where you are with your emotions

[00:13:01] And in handling me gently

[00:13:04] You mentioned when you're hurt

[00:13:06] Okay, so let's just put it in a practical example

[00:13:09] If I've done something that has hurt you

[00:13:11] Okay

[00:13:12] I've said something, I've done something, I've failed to do something

[00:13:15] That has hurt you on a level

[00:13:17] The emotion that you're feeling is hurt that's being experienced in your world and in your emotions as anger

[00:13:26] You're angry at me, you know I've done something that hurt you

[00:13:31] I've done something that affected you negatively and you're angry about it

[00:13:36] A man who is incapable of gentleness responds in that anger

[00:13:42] Right

[00:13:43] And comes at their spouse and says, how dare you

[00:13:47] It gets very harsh with their words, casts blame and can really, really react in a manner that in his reaction hurts me

[00:13:56] Right

[00:13:57] But a man who has the Holy Spirit acting in gentleness is able to go

[00:14:04] I am angry and I am angry because I am wounded and hurting

[00:14:09] And I want my wife to know that I'm hurting because there's a division now between us

[00:14:15] Right

[00:14:16] And we're supposed to be one

[00:14:18] And so instead of slashing back at her in anger

[00:14:23] I'm going to ask the Holy Spirit to give me enough restraint to speak to her in gentleness

[00:14:30] And say, Becky, that hurt

[00:14:33] I'm really, I'm angry at you right now

[00:14:36] You've said those words to me before, right

[00:14:38] I'm angry at you right now, but I want you to know why I'm angry

[00:14:42] And I want you to know that I'm hurting

[00:14:44] And we need to work through this because I love you

[00:14:48] Right

[00:14:49] And I want us to be one

[00:14:51] That's a very different response than I'm angry and I want to hurt you in return

[00:14:56] Right

[00:14:57] And so when you see gentleness acted out in a marriage it is

[00:15:02] There is a power of emotion there, angry is a powerful emotion

[00:15:06] Right

[00:15:07] There is power and there is strength and there is capacity for harshness and harm to be done

[00:15:13] But when gentleness comes into play it tempers that and accommodates the weakness of the other person

[00:15:21] Right

[00:15:22] And says, you know what, if I react in the full power of this emotion

[00:15:26] It's going to hit a weakness in you and hurt you and I don't want to do that because I love you

[00:15:30] So instead I'm going to be gentle

[00:15:33] And we're going to put it on the table and we're going to be real

[00:15:36] But we're going to be real in a way that again we've talked a lot about bringing things together, bringing things to unity

[00:15:43] Gentleness allows you to handle powerful emotions, powerful circumstances, hard things in life

[00:15:50] That could divide you

[00:15:52] Right

[00:15:53] But because you are with humility considering how one another is going to receive this information

[00:16:01] It brings you together instead of driving you apart

[00:16:04] Right

[00:16:05] And this goes back to how men and women are different and how they handle things

[00:16:09] Majority of men when they get hurt in their relationship, when their wife hurts them

[00:16:14] So they understand the strength part of it

[00:16:18] They're usually the bigger, the stronger and can lash out fear and intimidate to get back what they feel like has been done to them

[00:16:27] Right

[00:16:28] You know women are usually a little different where they will be more of a strategic way of hurting to get back at their husband who's hurt them and stuff

[00:16:40] And this is where this gentleness goes both ways

[00:16:44] Absolutely

[00:16:45] And this is not so much as a strength thing to the point where I'm not going to raise my voice

[00:16:51] Or I'm not going to go around them to come up with something sneaky to get you back

[00:16:57] Right, I'm not going to manipulate you, I'm not going to trash talk you, I'm not going to...

[00:17:01] We're going to be open and honest with one another but when we are open and honest with one another

[00:17:08] We're going to use that humility and that consideration

[00:17:12] It's not about me getting mine

[00:17:14] Right

[00:17:15] It's about how do we come together because there's a rift

[00:17:19] Right

[00:17:20] And that's where again, here's where the Holy Spirit comes into play

[00:17:25] This is where it's so important guys that you're both walking with Christ

[00:17:30] Because here's the thing is we've talked about this in other sessions and in other episodes

[00:17:36] Is that there are going to be times when you are just going to annoy each other

[00:17:41] Yeah

[00:17:42] There's going to be times when you're going to do things out of spite, out of selfishness or whatever

[00:17:50] And there's just going to be times when you're just going to hurt each other

[00:17:53] Because you are two separate people who are living together in the same place, in the same house

[00:18:01] If you add kids that's a whole another level that you're dealing with

[00:18:06] And you're having to blend together the two lives together

[00:18:10] And there's just going to be times when this is going to happen

[00:18:15] Right

[00:18:16] When you're going to say something hateful to me and I'm going to say something hateful to you

[00:18:21] And this is where you can either take it off the rails

[00:18:25] Right

[00:18:26] And it can spiral and to the next thing you know, six months later

[00:18:31] You're arguing about whether or not the toilet seats up

[00:18:34] Or I can't live with him anymore because he squeezed the toothpaste from the middle

[00:18:38] And not from the bottom

[00:18:40] It's like, well how did you get to the point where squeezing toothpaste is what's causing your divorce

[00:18:45] Right

[00:18:46] Eight months earlier we hurt each other

[00:18:49] And instead of showing each other gentleness

[00:18:52] We just let it grow and grow and grow

[00:18:55] And I'm telling you when Satan gets his foot into the middle of the relationship

[00:19:01] When he gets that little foothold

[00:19:03] He's just going to exploit it

[00:19:05] Right

[00:19:06] And this is where having that relationship with Christ where you can acknowledge

[00:19:11] Something's off

[00:19:12] Right

[00:19:13] Something's not right here in our marriage

[00:19:15] Something's not right in what we're doing

[00:19:17] We need to sit down and talk about this

[00:19:19] Find out what this is and repent or whatever

[00:19:23] And again, this is why it's so important to have God in the middle of your marriage

[00:19:27] Absolutely

[00:19:28] And have the Holy Spirit guiding you and directing you

[00:19:31] But this is where gentleness is so much more than just being soft to one another

[00:19:38] Because it's not about being soft to one another

[00:19:41] It's about controlling those emotions, those things that are going to come up

[00:19:47] That are going to pull you away from each other

[00:19:50] Right

[00:19:51] And to be able to put them under control to where you can still deal with the situation

[00:19:56] Because again, we've said this over and over again in these episodes

[00:20:00] Is that these are not licensed to just be run over

[00:20:04] No

[00:20:05] These are not licenses to just say, you know, you're just going to have to grin and bear everything that he does

[00:20:10] Or you're just going to have to grin and bear everything she does

[00:20:13] That's not at all what we're talking about

[00:20:15] We want these issues solved

[00:20:17] In a way that reconciles you to one another

[00:20:21] Right

[00:20:22] Because the goal is always reconciliation

[00:20:24] Whenever there's something that's between you, you want to reconcile

[00:20:27] Right

[00:20:28] And so when we're talking about that gentleness

[00:20:31] I mean the underpinning here that we haven't really defined and called out by name

[00:20:38] If you are going to live in gentleness toward one another

[00:20:42] That means you have to rid yourself of pride

[00:20:46] Right

[00:20:47] It means that when you feel hurt, when you feel angry

[00:20:52] There's when you're disagreeing over a decision that you're trying to make together

[00:20:57] And you feel like he's just not hearing my side

[00:21:01] How can he not understand what I'm saying?

[00:21:05] You have to come to a place where it's not about you

[00:21:10] Right

[00:21:11] It's not about you acknowledging that you've heard me

[00:21:15] It's not about you conceding that I'm right

[00:21:18] It's not about me

[00:21:20] It's about us together

[00:21:23] Right

[00:21:24] And so any of the I statements that I want to make

[00:21:29] I'm hurt, I can't believe you did this to me

[00:21:33] I can't believe you're not listening to me

[00:21:35] All of those kinds of statements that inflame pride

[00:21:39] Are also going to build that wall between you higher and higher and higher

[00:21:44] Right

[00:21:46] So we have to get rid of that pride first

[00:21:49] And we have to come back to that foundational understanding

[00:21:53] That if we are in a Christ founded godly marriage

[00:21:58] We are to be acting as one

[00:22:02] Right

[00:22:03] And so there isn't an I in this equation

[00:22:06] Right

[00:22:07] There is an us

[00:22:08] I've got to find a way to put myself to the side for a minute

[00:22:14] And go I need to communicate to you where I'm coming from

[00:22:18] But my goal in that communication is not to win the argument

[00:22:23] Right

[00:22:24] My goal in that communication is not to put you in your place

[00:22:29] My goal in that communication is for you to be able to receive and understand what I'm saying

[00:22:38] So that you can come to me with what you need me to receive and understand

[00:22:43] Right

[00:22:44] So that we can come together and move forward

[00:22:47] Yep

[00:22:48] Because and we've said this before

[00:22:50] There is no single winners in a marriage

[00:22:54] No

[00:22:55] There are single losers in a marriage

[00:22:58] You only win when you're together

[00:23:00] That's right

[00:23:01] And you've got to have that kind of mentality

[00:23:03] Right

[00:23:04] That we are in this together

[00:23:06] This challenge is together

[00:23:09] This thing and when you look at it that way

[00:23:12] Those things like considering one another is easier

[00:23:16] Right

[00:23:17] You are never ever my enemy

[00:23:18] No

[00:23:19] We are always together

[00:23:20] Right

[00:23:21] And over our 33 years of marriage

[00:23:23] We have seen things drastically different

[00:23:26] Right

[00:23:27] And we've had some quote-unquote knockdown dragouts

[00:23:29] Arguments over different things

[00:23:31] Right

[00:23:32] But in the end

[00:23:34] The goal was that we were going to come together

[00:23:36] Right

[00:23:37] Sometimes this is part of walking in gentleness towards one another

[00:23:41] Sometimes what that looks like

[00:23:43] Is one or the other of us concedes

[00:23:46] Yeah

[00:23:47] Sometimes one or the other of us goes, you know what

[00:23:51] I don't really agree with you

[00:23:53] But we have to make a decision on this

[00:23:55] And I'm not seeing

[00:23:56] We're not being able to come to some kind of half and half type of compromise

[00:23:59] That we're both happy with

[00:24:01] So I'm going to agree

[00:24:03] That in this instance

[00:24:06] We are going to do things the way you see fit

[00:24:10] And I'm going to trust you with that

[00:24:13] Right

[00:24:14] And whatever the outcome of that is

[00:24:17] Even if

[00:24:19] A consequence happens that I was like

[00:24:22] Yeah, if we do that this is going to happen

[00:24:24] And it's not going to be pretty

[00:24:25] And we're going to have some pieces to put back together

[00:24:28] Even if that worst case scenario happens

[00:24:31] At no point

[00:24:33] Will I throw back in your face

[00:24:35] That well we did it your way and I told you

[00:24:38] See that's not gentleness

[00:24:40] No

[00:24:41] Because I agreed

[00:24:42] I agreed at this juncture

[00:24:45] We're going to do it the way you want to do it

[00:24:49] We've already had our disagreements voiced

[00:24:52] But we together as one

[00:24:56] Made the decision to move forward this way

[00:24:59] And so we're in it together

[00:25:02] And we're going to walk through the consequences together

[00:25:04] Without cutting each other's knees out

[00:25:07] Without throwing reproach at each other

[00:25:10] Because we made a decision in humility

[00:25:12] And we're going to walk in gentleness

[00:25:14] Right

[00:25:15] You're not going to have everything perfect

[00:25:17] Nope

[00:25:18] Just tell you those of you who are listening to this podcast

[00:25:21] And you've only been married for a short time

[00:25:23] Or you're going to make mistakes

[00:25:25] There are going to be things that

[00:25:27] A news flash we are all human

[00:25:29] There are things that you're going to decide together

[00:25:32] And it's going to be the wrong decision

[00:25:34] It happens

[00:25:35] This is again where this training

[00:25:39] And allowing the Holy Spirit to work

[00:25:41] Because after you've gone through some times

[00:25:43] And you've made some mistakes

[00:25:44] You do get a little gun shy sometimes

[00:25:46] Sure

[00:25:47] Especially when it comes to parenting

[00:25:49] And stuff like that

[00:25:50] I know that's a huge one

[00:25:51] You know you make a few side steps parenting

[00:25:54] And now you feel like you're the worst parent ever

[00:25:57] And why did God even pick you to have a child

[00:26:00] And blah blah blah

[00:26:02] Mother was right

[00:26:03] And all that stuff that comes

[00:26:05] All that condemnation that comes in

[00:26:07] All that condemnation that comes in

[00:26:08] So this is where again

[00:26:10] Where you've got to come together as one

[00:26:13] And continue to move forward

[00:26:15] And go, you know what?

[00:26:16] That wasn't the best choice

[00:26:18] Or that wasn't the right one

[00:26:20] Okay, let's come together now

[00:26:22] And let's move forward

[00:26:24] Let's talk about it moving forward

[00:26:26] That's in the past

[00:26:27] What did we do wrong?

[00:26:28] Okay, now next time

[00:26:31] Where are the solutions?

[00:26:32] Where are the solutions and let's move forward

[00:26:34] There are so many decisions

[00:26:36] There are so many little things

[00:26:38] That are gonna pop up in your marriage

[00:26:40] Year after year after year

[00:26:42] You can't keep score

[00:26:44] And you can't keep going

[00:26:46] Well, we did this

[00:26:47] We did this

[00:26:48] We did this

[00:26:49] You won this one

[00:26:50] Or we went with you on this one

[00:26:51] And this was wrong

[00:26:52] And you just can't do that

[00:26:54] Because it's just gonna tear you apart

[00:26:57] And it's just going to build in resentment over time

[00:27:00] It's again, so many marriages

[00:27:03] The kids are moved out

[00:27:05] What happens?

[00:27:06] Mom and dad are getting divorced

[00:27:08] Mom and dad's been married for 25 years

[00:27:11] Why are they getting divorced now?

[00:27:13] Well, because 10 years ago

[00:27:15] 15 years ago

[00:27:16] They couldn't come together

[00:27:18] Right

[00:27:19] And now they're at a point now

[00:27:21] Where they're so far separated

[00:27:23] That without the miracle of God

[00:27:26] They don't come back together

[00:27:28] Yeah

[00:27:29] Well, and you touched on something a minute ago

[00:27:31] Where you said that you get in the middle of it

[00:27:33] And you've made some bad calls

[00:27:35] And you're seeing that maybe

[00:27:37] Your bad calls were the source of some conflict

[00:27:39] In your marriage

[00:27:40] Or some messes that you have to clean up together

[00:27:43] And you're feeling bad about that

[00:27:44] And so all of this condemnation comes on your head

[00:27:47] All of the things that you think

[00:27:49] That you suspect to be true

[00:27:51] About how bad you are as a human

[00:27:53] Or all the criticisms that somebody in your past

[00:27:56] Has heaped on you

[00:27:57] And, you know, they kind of sit back

[00:28:00] In the back of your brain

[00:28:01] Waiting for those moments, right

[00:28:02] To make themselves really heard

[00:28:04] And I think this is one of the places

[00:28:06] Where we have over the years learned

[00:28:09] That it's important to be gentle to one another

[00:28:12] In those cases too, right

[00:28:13] If you look at that definition again

[00:28:15] Of strength

[00:28:17] That accommodates another's weakness

[00:28:20] If either one of us

[00:28:22] We've gotten pretty good over the years

[00:28:24] That catch in it

[00:28:25] If either one of us is going

[00:28:28] I'm an idiot

[00:28:30] I'm so stupid

[00:28:32] Why did I...

[00:28:33] I just, I can't, I'm never

[00:28:35] I can never make the right call

[00:28:37] I can never do this right

[00:28:39] I can't, you know, you start hearing

[00:28:41] Those words of condemnation

[00:28:43] That your spouse is speaking over themselves

[00:28:47] This is where gentleness comes into play

[00:28:50] Also, it's not just in conflict between you

[00:28:52] But when you see your spouse

[00:28:54] Conflicted within themselves

[00:28:56] That is them

[00:28:58] Showing you where there's a weak spot

[00:29:01] And your strength needs to come in

[00:29:04] In gentleness and go, hey, hey, hey, hey

[00:29:07] That is a lie of the enemy

[00:29:09] You made a mistake

[00:29:10] Sure, let's be honest about that

[00:29:12] We can call that what it is

[00:29:13] Right

[00:29:14] We can acknowledge that truthfully

[00:29:16] And say, yeah, you made a mistake here

[00:29:18] Or, yeah, you missed that deadline

[00:29:20] Or, yeah, whatever it is

[00:29:22] Whatever the thing is

[00:29:23] That they're beating themselves up about

[00:29:25] Okay, that happened

[00:29:27] But that does not mean

[00:29:29] That you are an idiot

[00:29:31] It doesn't mean that you are a failure

[00:29:34] It has zero bearing on your character

[00:29:38] Right

[00:29:39] And so your gentleness towards your spouse

[00:29:42] Comes into that place of weakness

[00:29:44] And builds them back up with truth

[00:29:47] Yeah

[00:29:48] And it's vital

[00:29:49] This is definitely a two-way street

[00:29:51] Has to be, yeah

[00:29:53] Because there are times when

[00:29:55] You need that hand

[00:29:58] Of encouragement

[00:29:59] To get you going

[00:30:01] To get you to pull you out

[00:30:03] I need that thing

[00:30:05] So this is not a

[00:30:07] Oh, I'm always doing that

[00:30:09] This is a thing that we do for one another

[00:30:12] Constantly

[00:30:13] Helping each other, building each other up

[00:30:16] Lifting each other up

[00:30:18] Kind of not allowing that condemnation to take hold

[00:30:21] Right

[00:30:22] And sometimes it can

[00:30:23] Sometimes that form of gentleness at first

[00:30:26] Can sound a little bit harsh

[00:30:28] You know, sometimes one or the other of us

[00:30:31] Will hear the other one spiraling in it

[00:30:34] And it sounds a lot like, hey

[00:30:36] That's a lie

[00:30:38] You realize that's a lie from the enemy, right?

[00:30:41] And once I've got your attention

[00:30:43] Or once you've got my attention

[00:30:45] Then the tone comes down a little bit more

[00:30:48] And we go, hey, you did this right

[00:30:51] You did this right

[00:30:52] God says you are that

[00:30:54] I see this in you

[00:30:57] And that gentle building up

[00:31:00] And restoration

[00:31:02] Where the enemy's trying to tear down with lies

[00:31:05] Right

[00:31:06] This is more than just being soft

[00:31:08] Absolutely

[00:31:09] And we hope that you guys

[00:31:11] Have gotten something out of this episode this week

[00:31:14] This was number eight in our series

[00:31:17] Right

[00:31:18] And again, we are so glad to be bringing these to you

[00:31:22] If you have any comments, any questions

[00:31:25] Or anything, you can write us at Dan

[00:31:29] At Matthew257.com

[00:31:33] We just appreciate it if you'd like and subscribe

[00:31:36] And that will help us out

[00:31:38] And help other people find it

[00:31:40] Absolutely

[00:31:41] Just a little teaser

[00:31:42] We've got some fresh new things coming

[00:31:44] To our social media

[00:31:46] We've got some wonderful friends

[00:31:48] Who are helping us out

[00:31:50] With a little bit of graphic design

[00:31:52] And a little bit of sound engineering coming up

[00:31:55] So be looking for those changes

[00:31:57] Coming soon

[00:31:58] Coming soon in May

[00:32:00] So be watching out for that

[00:32:01] We're kind of excited

[00:32:02] Alright, so that's it for this week

[00:32:05] We want to thank you so much

[00:32:06] For hanging out with us again this week

[00:32:08] We look forward to seeing you next week

[00:32:10] Be gentle, don't swat any puppies

[00:32:12] Yeah, don't

[00:32:14] Alright, we'll talk to you later

[00:32:16] Love you, bye-bye