1037. IJLMI: Into Self Esteem

[00:00:19] What's up, y'all? It's your girl, which speaks. And welcome back to another episode of my podcast, I'll Just Let Myself In. It's the podcast where we don't wait for an imaginary permission slip or some seat at an imaginary table. We let ourselves into our God given doors. And if this is your first time here on this podcast, we get vulnerable, we get real, we talk about things that will inspire and encourage and help you to actually go after things and not just be inspired online and ideated.

[00:00:49] But every now and then I like to do a solo episode where I talk about something a little bit personal. And this is one of those episodes. Today, we're going to be talking about my foray back into fashion. Now, some of you who have known me for a long time have known that I love fashion, know that I love home decor, you know that I love all these things. But the way that I have been showing up online, probably for about the past,

[00:01:17] seven to 10 years, has been very, very singular. I have shown up as a media personality, sometime as an artist, but really more for what I can do and not necessarily who I am. And fashion week, which just ended not too long ago, really pushed me back out of my comfort zone.

[00:01:45] And into the place of desiring to show more of who I actually am. In the vein of that, we're going to bring back my favorite segment. I stopped doing it for a while for a couple of reasons. One, I've had a lot of guests and I don't always want to force my guests into that. But two, we just had a lot going on and filming that segment kind of started to become a second thought. But in the energy of this episode, we are bringing back what I'm stepping in.

[00:02:14] And today, I am stepping in a Gucci horse bit mule. I've had this shoe for some time now. You guys have seen it on the podcast before. Super comfortable shoe. I will say the bottom is hard when you first get it. So you got to wear it in. I also want a full size up. So if you are interested in these, maybe go a size up, go in and try them on.

[00:02:37] My husband got me these shoes as a gift when I got a promotion on my last job. And so I've had them for almost two years now. I love this shoe. They are one of those shoes that goes up. As you guys know, luxury houses have price increases every year or so. So if this is a shoe that you are interested in, make sure that you go ahead and get it.

[00:02:59] One thing I will say about this shoe, they are going to crease. The Gucci mule with the horse bit is going to crease up on you. But I think they look better creased. I happen to think they look better used. It's not a crease that looks crazy, at least not in the natural color, maybe because it's a tan color. And it's already the Gucci print. So it already looks like a lot is happening on your foot.

[00:03:25] But there's just something about them used that looks great. You should see them popped up on the screen right now. And they kind of give you utility vibes, right? They're a neutral, in my opinion. They kind of go with everything on most things. And you're not wearing them to stunt. You're wearing them for comfort. You're wearing them for leisure. But you're wearing them to give your look a little bit of elevation in that comfort and leisure. So I really love this shoe. It's one of my go-tos.

[00:03:53] And you know what we say here, if you like them, go get you some. Okay, so this week as we are talking through my experience at Fashion Week and really just regaining my confidence all around, I got to say there have been so many people, friends, family, people who've known me a long time, who have reached out to me since I posted on social media and just said, I'm so glad that you are returning back to form.

[00:04:22] I'm so glad that you are actually showing the people your personality, showing the people how much you love fashion, showing the people the looks, right? And I'm grateful for that encouragement because not all those people know what I have gone through over the last several years behind the scenes. In fact, I got family who doesn't know, you know, all the struggles that I've had mentally and internally and even in my health, you know,

[00:04:51] that have affected my confidence in showing up online. And so I did not know when God would have me move back to New York that I was going to be thrust back into some of my old ways in the best possible way. This year, I participated in New York Fashion Week for the first time in over a decade. And when I say participate, I mean participated in a way that I had not participated

[00:05:20] even in that decade, right? Like I participated as an influencer, I guess you could say, as a personality, as someone who loves and participates in fashion offline all the time. I decided to participate this year. And when I would go in the past, you know, when I was in my early 20s, I went to things like Fashion Night Out. If you're from New York, you know Fashion Night Out. I worked in retail. I had friends who worked in retail. So we were all, you know, involved, right?

[00:05:50] In the streets. But I was not in the mix of Fashion Week by any means in terms of the parties or any of that stuff then or now. So it definitely reminded me, right? Just being in Soho, being around, seeing all the shops and the installations, being in Chelsea on Gansevoort, like seeing all the things and places that I used to shop and eat was so much fun. And more than even just what I had on or how I was dressing on my photo shoots,

[00:06:19] which we will get to, I think it was good for me to just remember, oh, this is who you've always been. You don't have to do anything different. You just got to be yourself because this is who you've always been. And even when I was out with my friends, Kennedy and Tiara, I was able to tell them, you know, oh yeah, this used to be this and this used to be that. I used to work up the block and whatever. And we're all sharing stories about our times, life and times in New York. And I'm relatively older than them. I'm like a decade older than Tiara, I think,

[00:06:47] and probably more than a decade older than Kennedy. And so I felt that, you know, nostalgia in a way that was so refreshing for me. And it's cool. You know, I'm the type of person I embrace, you know, the fact that I'm getting older. I embrace the fact that I experienced a different version of New York than maybe they did or maybe some of the girls coming up now. But I think that that makes me the perfect person to like show my love and resurgence for this part of my personality.

[00:07:16] So as we walked around New York, they were so helpful. First of all, I got to shout out my girl Tiara. Got to shout her out. She was on an episode not too long ago. You guys got to see her. And on that episode, she was so real with me. But behind the scenes, off the camera, she was even more real. She was very, very direct with me about the fact that I needed to show up for New York Fashion Week,

[00:07:46] which at that time was in maybe like, let's say eight weeks, right? And to be honest, I took her seriously. But maybe as the pressure was getting worse and worse, as the saxophone started getting louder, she called me and she was like, what's the plan? Here's what I'm thinking. Do you have outfits? What are you thinking? I think you should get a photographer. All things that I was like, really? You think I should do that? Like, I don't think I'm ready for that. She was like, you're ready for it. You're absolutely ready for it. She's like, listen, I've been to your house. I've been in your closet.

[00:08:15] I've spoken. We've hung out. You have all the things you need. You're ready. You need to step into who you actually are. And the scripture that she uses to encourage me and disciple me on this is in 1 Thessalonians 2, verse 8. The scripture says,

[00:08:44] And she uses that scripture quite frequently with me because she is one of those people that's really trying to help me understand that sharing certain parts of my life on the internet, because I have chosen to do this, right? If I had not chosen to be an influencer, then she probably wouldn't care. But her perspective is, if you're going to do it, share your life with people because there are parts of your life

[00:09:13] that people need to see. You know, she's convicting me. She's like, women need to see that they don't have to be perfect to be loved perfectly. You know, one of my big insecurities right now that I'm working on is my body. You know, making sure that I feel good in my body, right? I'm working on my health. I'm working on my body. But in the meantime, right, I need to feel good in the way I look, you know? And I'm being supported and loved so well by my husband. And she's like, don't you think women need to see that?

[00:09:43] Don't you think women need to see a black woman being loved and spoiled by her husband? Like, they need to see that. They need to see the way that you live. They need to see the way that you, you know, take care of your home and the way that you provide and cook for your family. Like, they need to see these things. And it's so foreign to me because I'm like, who cares? Really, for real. Like, I'm one of those people that I'm like, I'm going to get online. I'm going to share valuable information.

[00:10:12] I'm going to teach people things and encourage them. And I'm going to get off. And to be quite honest, that will always probably be the cornerstone of how I show up online, right? I am a yapper. I'm a talking head. I, and yapper and talking head is, is, you know, a funny way to put it. But really at the base of it, I am a teacher. That's who I am. I'm a teacher, right? And so my desire is always going to be to impart knowledge, wisdom, a few jokes, you know,

[00:10:41] and some encouragement. But that doesn't mean that I cannot also show the other things in my life that I am very passionate about. And fashion happens to be one of them. I love clothes. I love sneakers. I love putting things together. I love taking chances. I love fabrics. I love patterns. I care about this stuff deeply. I care about home decor deeply. I care about ingredients. If I love to bake, I love to cook. Like these are things that I love to do and I do them very, very regularly.

[00:11:11] So her thing was like, why aren't you sharing this? And I believe, had she not pushed me, even fashion week would have been something that I neglected once again. Because to be honest, there was a fear in me of how I would look, of how I would feel when I saw the pictures, if I would like them, if I would be too insecure to post them. I talked about this a little bit online,

[00:11:39] but when you are doing a lot of talk ahead content, when you're a podcaster, you actually begin to curate a page that only shows you from the chest up. Now, I did not do this on purpose, right? I did not say one day, I'm never going to take a full-length picture again. I just started creating content that didn't require it. And I think especially as Instagram became more of a video platform than a photo platform,

[00:12:08] I definitely didn't feel the need to take a whole bunch of pictures. Now, you couple that with the pandemic, with the athelizification of my wardrobe and many of our wardrobes, and with weight gain that I was not proud of, and you have a person who has stopped showing up in her fullness online. And I want to talk about this because I know I'm not alone. Maybe for you,

[00:12:36] it's not, you know, full-length pictures. Maybe it's something else, right? Maybe you used to cook and you wanted to show your recipes and you decided, oh, it's too hard and I don't like editing and I'm not going to do it, right? Maybe it's family content. You know, you believe that you have a great family or a great marriage and you used to show it online and now you don't, right? Whatever it may be, I can relate to you. I can relate to knowing that you're passionate about something and not only are you passionate about it, you are skilled at it.

[00:13:05] You have a gift, right? You have education, you have knowledge, you know what you're talking about. But for some reason, you have stopped showing up online in that way. I want to encourage you to try again. I want to encourage you to try it again. You know, going to Fashion Week, being in the places with the people, doing a street-style photo shoot, which y'all, I was shaking in my boots. I was nervous about this. There's some footage and I got to figure out

[00:13:34] how to make a good reel with it. Where Tiara's like giving me creative direction. You can see in my face that I'm uncomfortable. You can see it in my face. Now, what you see in Tiara's face is not, she don't care at all. Do the, uh-huh, pick that up, put that on, uh-huh, put the show, put the bag, get it together, right? I don't know what I'm saying. She was not sweating it. And I love that because I'm that for so many people. Like, she is really giving me a taste in my own medicine in this realm because there are people in my life I'm like, I refuse to let you not believe in yourself in my presence.

[00:14:03] So I'm not even entertaining that. Let's go. Keep going. And she was that for me. But I was nervous. I was nervous to be walking through the street in heels and in a skirt and all that stuff. Like, I haven't done that in years. When I get all dressed up and dolled up and go out with my husband, we barely even take pictures. We just go out. I get cute. I get my little sexy dress on and we do what we gotta do and we come home and we do what we gotta do, right? It's not for the internet.

[00:14:31] So I was very nervous. I was so nervous. And one of the things that I learned that day was that people don't see you the way you see yourself. They see you for who you really are. The amount of times that I got stopped in the street for people to say, oh my God, I love your outfit. I love your hair. I love your makeup. And every time Tiara would go, see? See? It was like a proud big sister. Just see? See? You know?

[00:15:01] And she was encouraging me to let me know, like, girl, you got it. You need to stop doubting yourself. And I really, really needed that. I needed it so badly because there is a large part of me that forgot. That just forgot. You know, as a woman, all of us have a little that girl sprinkled on us, right? Some of us have more than others. But everybody got a little something. And sometimes we forget

[00:15:31] that God really did create you as a very unique and special being. And it's beautiful because when people come to my page and they see all that I'm doing and they realize that God is at the center, it helps people to see, oh, I don't have to lose the entire personality God gave me to follow Him. And this is something that I am very passionate about. One of the reasons that I started doing music is because I wanted to show young girls at the time that, hey,

[00:16:00] you can have a gift and be really excellent at it and still keep God at the center. You don't have to take off all your clothes and cuss and talk about your body in order to be an incredible lyricist. And it's the same to me with media and with fashion and anything else I'm going to dip my toe into. I want to make sure that anyone who is even thinking of following Christ understands that whatever He put into you He intends to use it for His good. He doesn't intend for you to just

[00:16:29] get rid of it if He gave it to you. Now, there's some things He didn't give to you and they got to go. But the things He gave to you, the things He put into you, the dreams and the passions and the things that you've cared about since you were a little, no one ever told me to care about clothes. In fact, I did not grow up in a home where fashion and having the latest and the flyest and whatever was that important. Being neat

[00:16:59] was important. Being clean was important. But different fabrics and patterns, God gave me that. You know what I mean? God made me care about those things. There's no one in my bloodline who does what I am doing on any level. Right? God put this stuff in me, the drive, the passion, the dogged determination. Sometimes I wish I could give up is not in me. I'm more miserable

[00:17:28] when I'm not fighting for my dream than the misery that comes sometimes from fighting for it. Some of y'all can relate to that if you're a dreamer. God put that in me. He did not intend to wash that out when I became a disciple. He wants me to surrender it to Him and then use it for His glory. So, I've decided I'm going to continue in this realm of showing up more fully online and Fashion Week as well as this podcast

[00:17:57] is really the start of that. I am naturally a pretty confident person. I know who I am. I believe in my abilities and I'm grateful for that. Like, I'm really grateful that I came up in an era where I was not chronically online, right? There was no social media when I was a child and, you know, I was able to really develop my self-confidence in these different things. But that doesn't mean that it can't take a hit. Like,

[00:18:26] two things can be true. I can be naturally confident and aware of my ability and believe in what I offer intellectually and spiritually and still feel insecure about how I am presenting in this current season of my life. You know, and I think that as women, when we go through weight gain and perimenopause and all sorts of different things hormonally that happen to our bodies, sometimes it is very, very difficult and even weird. Like,

[00:18:56] it's uncomfortable to talk about, to acknowledge, to say out loud. But I think it's really important to talk about, acknowledge, and say out loud that my body is different than it's ever been. Or, I feel differently about my body than I have, right? Like, if you're like, listen, well, I've always been a big girl and I wasn't, it never mattered to me, right? Because I've been there too. Well, if it matters now, you feel differently about it, right? Or, if you've had health challenges

[00:19:26] that have made it more difficult for you to have the body that you want, whether that's gaining weight or losing weight, right? Because I have friends who struggle to gain weight, right? Because of different conditions. These are things that we don't always talk about when it comes to how much it can affect how we show up, right? And that's whether you're showing up online or in person. You know, if you really love makeup, but your skin is acting up and you're having

[00:19:55] these bad breakouts and you're going from dermatologist to dermatologist trying to figure it out, that affects how you show up. It affects if you're confident or not when you walk into a room. It affects these things. If you, you know, used to have a figure that didn't quit, you know what I mean? Ate for hourglass, coke bottle, whatever, and all of a sudden you gain weight. Maybe you had a child. Maybe you had a situation. Maybe you just ate a lot. Maybe you just, you went through an episode where you were not, you know,

[00:20:23] wise about how you ate and your body is different. It can be very difficult to show up in the same way. In fact, some of you, and I know this to be true because it was me, are waiting until your body changes for you to start something. You're telling yourself, I really want to start a podcast but I can't. I don't want to be on camera looking like that. I got to lose weight. I really want to do this or that but you know what? I got to wait until I get this skin together. I really want to do this or that but I got to wait until, I got to wait until, I got to wait until,

[00:20:52] and I have news for you. Don't wait. Don't wait. I recently went and got headshots done because some of you know this but I act just to teach and I want to grow in that area. I want to act more. I want to start auditioning at some point. It makes me so nervous but I really want to do it and I want to just see what that world has to offer. I don't know if that'll ever be like my main bread and butter but I really do love the arts and so why not, right?

[00:21:22] So, I kept telling myself, even, this is how funny we are. I had kept telling myself that I was going to wait until I lost some weight to get my headshots. Even though I show up online looking like this, even though I have a podcast, even though I host and do things, for some reason, I felt like those headshots,

[00:21:52] I want my face to be slimmer. Here's the thing. One, someone is looking for a chunky chocolate girl to play somebody in something. Number one, right? Right now, someone's looking for that. Number two, if I go ahead and get the headshots and start putting myself out there, I can always lose the weight and I can get new headshots but waiting will delay my progress and I knew that when I started this podcast. When I started this podcast, I was actually heavier

[00:22:22] than I am right now and I did not want to start the podcast but I said, you know what? It is now or never. Really, my husband said, just now or never. You know, I put out a date that I wanted to do it by and no matter what I was looking like or feeling like, I was going to do it by that time and guys, I cannot tell you how happy I am that I did not wait. I'm so happy. We are almost at 100 episodes. We're less than 20 episodes away from being at 100 episodes

[00:22:50] and the rooms that this podcast has placed me in, the guests who have been on this podcast and are coming to this podcast are coming because of the work that I've put in regardless of what I felt like. And I had to remind myself that this will be the same. You can get better over time. That's fine. But don't wait until you're better

[00:23:19] to start because the time has already started. Uh-huh. The clock is ticking. The clock is already ticking. And there are people who look just like you or even what you may deem worse than you, bigger than you, skin pride, whatever you may be suffering from. And they're doing it. They're living your dream while you sit and wait for the perfect physical condition. Right? We talk a lot about

[00:23:49] not waiting for the perfect timing and the perfect conditions to do things. Well, what about those of us who are waiting for the perfect physical condition? Right? You want to feel better. You want to look better. There's someone who has the same illness as you who is doing it. There's someone who has the same medical background as you who's doing it. There's someone who has a worse background than you that's doing it. There's someone in the same body type, same skin tone, same hair. There's a person that I follow who has made

[00:24:18] her whole social media personality niche off the fact that she has alopecia, traction alopecia. Hundreds of thousands of followers. But we won't get online if our hair's not done. We's me. I get it. Right? There are things about our lives that we're so insecure about. Meanwhile, other people are making a whole living and a whole life based on that same insecurity because they're willing to be honest and vulnerable about it.

[00:24:48] These are the convictions that I feel like God is putting on my heart. And so Fashion Week really did do a number on me spiritually and I'm super, super grateful for it. Now let's get to the fun part. I was able to do two photo shoots. One of them was in Soho and we had a blast. We were going to an event for Flirt, which is a new energy drink. Shout out to them. We were going to an event for them with my friend Tiara. She had a contract with them so she was working with them.

[00:25:18] I was tagging along to help her with pictures and behind the scenes video and just making sure she was good. Through that, we got some really great pictures we had a really, really good time. And I was traipsing through the streets, y'all, in my pleated skirt and my platform boots. And it was such a good time. I'll pop some pictures up. I decided to do a preppy look for this. I wore my Ralph Lauren polo bear sweaters.

[00:25:48] I did one on body and one over the shoulder. A pleated skirt from Eloquii and my platform boots were also from Eloquii. I did my Chanel boy bag, which is from Fashionphile. My jewelry, my Hermes click clack, this gold bracelet I got from TJ Maxx, actually. And you know, my regular jewelry. And just had a time. It was so much fun. As I stated earlier, Tiara was giving me feedback, what to do, what not to do, wear this, walk this way, smile.

[00:26:17] And Michelle did such a great job on the photos as well as behind the scenes video. And then the next day, I did a shoot and a partnership with Bedford Studios coffee shop in West Village where I wore my Be Iconic track jacket. In this photo shoot, I wore the black and yellow, black and yellow, my little bumblebee look with another pleated skirt, which I'm not, I don't remember where I got that skirt from. I've had it for a long time.

[00:26:47] With a black pleated skirt and then a black platform boot that is also from Eloquii. With that, I wore my Brandon Blackwood metallic small trunk, mini trunk. And then I also wore my Fendi first bag, which I love that bag. I bought that bag in Milan, loved that bag from the outlets in Milan, in Italy. So, I love that bag. So, both my bags were at a discounted rate, Fashionphile, pre-loved, and then at the outlet in Italy.

[00:27:16] I love luxury, do not love full price. If you see me with a designer bag, chances are I got it pre-loved or at an outlet or on sale or something like that. The only time you will see me with a luxury bag that I did not get that way is if it cannot be sold. Like, there's no way to get it and I had to, you know what I mean? Like, I love luxury, but I also love my coin, right? I love my coin. And so, if I can save money,

[00:27:46] I'm gonna save money. There's so many bags that I do not have yet and may never have because there's a certain amount I'm not willing to spend. But, God always looks out for me. I always tend to be able to get the things I want to get one time or another. I have to wait sometime, but when the time is right, I usually get them. So, I really do love Fashionphile and obviously, we all love Outlet. Who don't love Outlet? And so, that's the bag I wore that day and I did a little bit of a campaign

[00:28:15] with Bedford Studio. Got their, looked at their new fall menu, got a good matcha, got a good apple cider drink and just had a good time. Like, it was a really, really fun two days. I also was able to go to dinner with Tiara and Kennedy. Tiara had a partnership with a really beautiful restaurant restaurant and they fed us down. Several courses, we all took food home. Several, you know, we were able to have drinks. Like,

[00:28:45] it was just a great, great time. And I took a bunch of pictures in a second look that day that got lost. So, I only have a couple of pictures and videos with that. But that's also part of it, right? Like, Tiara took the pictures on her, her own camera. Kennedy went to offload hers and then went to get mine and mine's were gone some way, right? And that's a part of it too. Like, just really being open to whatever is going to happen. And it was so funny because when it happened, I didn't feel upset, I didn't feel annoyed, I didn't feel mad

[00:29:15] or anything. And I'm like, this is maturity because young me would have really felt the way about that. But being older, I was just like, okay, that look is not meant to pose. Like, it's no big deal. It's just fine. I was just proud of myself for going out and for doing multiple looks and I was really proud of myself because my husband's birthday was like the second day of fashion week and we were going out of town the day after that. And so, in order for me to get anything,

[00:29:44] to go to any installations, to get any photo, like, I really had to lock in. I had to lock in because we were leaving and I didn't have all week to make it happen. So, I'm just really proud of myself that I put myself out there and just try. You know, I don't think, I don't know what God is going to do. In my mind, fashion will never be the forefront of my content. I believe that impartation, talking head, speaking, preaching, teaching will probably always be the forefront of my content.

[00:30:15] But, boy, am I proud of myself for putting myself out there, for doing something new, for trying something new, for trying something that reminds me of a part of myself that I really like and love, and for doing something that my younger self would be so proud of, you know? And for the girl, for the woman who is watching this, the man too, but primarily for the woman who is watching this, who needs to be reminded of who she is,

[00:30:44] I want you to do a few things. One, I want you to get around some women who see you for who you truly are, but also have some skin in the game on what you're doing. Also have some passion for what you're trying to do. I have friends who always are championing me and like, girl, you got it, you it, you this, you that, like, what you win when you go out with G? What you win for your birthday? They're in it with me, but they weren't doing fashion week.

[00:31:14] They're not influencers. They're not in the game like that. They're not creating content. So it's only so much they're going to push me to show up differently online because it's not what they do. When I started hanging around or not even hanging around because I've known them for years, but as I started talking to Kennedy and Tiara more and more, this is what they do. Like, they outside, they in the streets, they at the events, they pitching the brands, they're doing the things. So when they see me not doing the things and they're like,

[00:31:43] you have all the resources, you got the numbers, you got the stuff, what's the problem? They're not going to take no for an answer. And when I tell you I did not know how bad I needed to be around somebody who wouldn't take no for an answer, I didn't know how bad I needed that. I really did not know how bad I needed to be around someone who didn't care what excuse I could come up with, what reason, what insecurity. Literally days before Fashion Week, Tiara was checking in like, hey girl, I'm just checking in with you today. How's the outfits going? And I would be like, they going, I don't know.

[00:32:13] And she's like, all right girl, I can't wait to see you. I'm like, not even feeding into my like fears and worries. You know what I mean? Like, and she caught FaceTime me, all right, show me what you got. You know, not taking no for an answer. That sisterhood brought me back to life in a way that I didn't even know that I needed. Secondly, I want you to go back to what you know. Go with what you know. I chose two looks for my photo shoot and both things were looks that I was comfortable in. I love a preppy look. Anybody who knows me

[00:32:42] knows I've been Ralph Lauren down my whole life, all right? I'm going to have on a button up shirt with a little horse. I'm going to have on a polo sweater. I'm going to have on some preppy something. You know, I'm ashamed to admit it, but when we was popping the collars on a polo with two collars, I was the queen. I was draping stuff over my shoulder. I got the pictures to prove it, right? I love a preppy look. So I went back to that because that's what I know and what I like.

[00:33:12] Elevated a little bit with my current style, you know, but these are things I already have. I did not have to buy anything for fashion week. Everything I wore, I had. I've had those Eloquii boots for years. In fact, you can't even get them. They're sold out. I've had them for years. I had those pleated skirts, both of them, for years. I've had those polo sweaters for years. Well, those two polo sweaters for well over a year. The Be Iconic jacket, obviously, that just came out, so I'm going to throw that on. You know what I'm saying?

[00:33:41] But I've had these bags. These bags, I had them already. And even that showed me like, girl, you think you need more than you need when you already have all that you need. Go with what you know. What do you feel good in? I feel good in a little bit of street wear, right? So the Be Iconic jacket gave me that. A little bit of a street wear look, a little bit of flair, and I feel good in preppy. I love a preppy

[00:34:11] look. So those things, I knew wearing them would give me confidence. Will I delve into bigger, better, bolder looks? Absolutely. I definitely will. Because when I be seeing stuff online, I be like, nah, that's fire, right? But for my first little foray back into things, I needed to do something that I know I would feel comfortable and confident in. And let's be honest, if I'm paying a photographer, I know I need to want to post these pictures. And when I tell you the pictures are, okay, shout out to Michelle. The pictures did what they needed to do. And so I knew I

[00:34:41] needed to feel that way, so I wanted to wear something that would make me feel that way. Whether you're going to show up online, take pictures, photos, or not, if you're just getting dressed again after a long time, you've been in every A-Lo sweatsuit, every Lululemon, every Gap, every old navy hoodie, pullover set, set, set, comfy, comfy, comfy, and you're like, all right, it's time for me to put on some clothes, go back to something that you know you feel comfortable in so that you can show up in a way here and here that doesn't say, oh, I don't really like what I got on.

[00:35:11] Thirdly, if you are trying to find yourself again, you need to remember to use the fear as fuel. Use the fear as fuel. You know, one of the things that I try to do when I am fearful of doing something is remind myself that this thing cannot beat me. This will not beat me. I will not live in fear. I will not allow fear to roam in any area of my life.

[00:35:40] I get indignant about things that I'm scared to do because I have seen fear take years from people. Years, you know. You could have did something in your 30s, but you were afraid. Now you're 50. 20 years has gone by and you didn't do something very simple something that a lot of other people do. See, when I see other people doing stuff, I'm like, they're not better than me. They're not smarter than me. They're not, and they might be. But you know what I mean? Like on the grand

[00:36:10] scheme of things, God created us all. We have the same father. If they can do it, I can do it. Now if I don't want to do it, that's one thing, but I'm afraid of new. You got to start taking fear personally and using it as your fuel. So for me, I was afraid to step out into this season and I decided I'm going to use that as fuel to just dip my toe in. Dip my toe in. Quite frankly, although it stressed me out a little bit because I had to squeeze a lot into a day and a

[00:36:38] half, I was happy that I was leaving on the 11th because I was like, you know what? Cool. No problem. I just got to get through this day and change. And then next fashion week, I can kind of know what I'm working with. I can learn my lessons from this time. I can figure out how I want to show up because even as a person of faith, showing up in fashion week is different. Showing up as a person of faith, showing up as a plus size woman, showing up as a dark skin plus size woman is different

[00:37:08] than you showing up some other ways for fashion week, right? So I had to prepare myself for that. Now I know. Now I know the different brands to reach out to. Now I know the different places to go, the different events that I might want to go to as a woman who's showing up in my body and the way that I like to dress and the faith and convictions that I have, right? Now I can think to myself, okay, how can I encourage other women, other Christians during fashion week? These are things that

[00:37:38] I'm thinking about now. And I'm so excited that I tried. If you are a girly wanting to get your spark back in whatever area, whatever genre, whatever realm that is, I want you to do these three things. Remember, get around some people who won't take no for an answer, who are doing what you do and will make you behave in the way that's in your best interest.

[00:38:08] Then go back to what you know. If something was working for you before and there was no rhyme or reason to the way you stop, a.k.a. God did not tell you to stop, God did not force something to happen to stop you, right? Go back to that. And then lastly, use fear as your fuel. I'm excited because as we were on the road, me, Kennedy, and Tiara got to pray together, we got to talk about some things. I asked them, you know, because in my mind, they're just killing the game. And so when I

[00:38:37] asked them, are there any challenges you have? And they started sharing things with me. It made me feel so like seeing, I'm like, oh, y'all got insecurities too about this stuff and y'all don't, you know, y'all don't feel like y'all killing it like that. Okay, teach me. And then I feel like there's things I can impart to them, being that I'm older, being that I've been through different things. You know, it just was a really beautiful sisterhood as we talked through things even still. You know, I really realized, man, this is, this is great.

[00:39:06] This is something that is really going to help me grow as a creator and even grow as a Christian. And so pushing yourself toward a life that makes you God-reliant, whatever that may be, right? Whenever you're nervous and you're insecure and you're scared, you become more God-reliant is always the best thing to do. Listen, y'all, y'all gonna be seeing way more stuff from me, stuff about my life, stuff about my loves, be that fashion, family,

[00:39:36] home decor, and obviously my faith. I'm going to be sharing my life with you because I do love you and I am grateful for the community that we are building here. I hope you enjoyed this episode of I'll Just Let Myself In and I pray that it encourages you to go back to a part of yourself that you left behind that you really miss. If you're listening to Holy Culture, SiriusXM channel 168 at 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time on a Monday night, we thank you for listening there.

[00:40:05] If you're watching on their YouTube, we thank you for watching there. And if you are watching on my YouTube, we thank you so much for being here. Listen, now you really need to make sure that you're subscribed. You really need to make sure you hit the notification bell because I don't want you to miss any of the content that I have coming up. We're going to get back to launching Lish. You're going to obviously see more of me on red carpets, more of me with your favorite celebrities, and more episodes of I'll just let myself in. I'll be back, same

[00:40:34] time, same place next week, and I'll see you then. Peace. Peace.