1029. IJLMI: Into Communication

[00:00:02] Oh, fühlt sich das nach Sommer an. Die neue Sommerwäsche von Chibo begeistert mit leuchtenden Farben und fröhlichen Trints. Feine Spitze, leichte Mikrofaser und sommerliche Schnitte sorgen für pures Wohlgefühl, selbst an heißen Tagen. Entdecke jetzt die neue Wäschekollektion von Chibo und finde deine Lieblingsstücke für den Sommer.

[00:00:32] This episode of my podcast, I'll Just Let Myself In. It's the podcast where we don't wait for an imaginary permission slip or a seat at an imaginary table. We let ourselves into our God-given doors. On this podcast, if it's your first time here, I like to talk about topics that I think will really help, encourage, inspire, and maybe even challenge people who are like me. Entrepreneurs, dreamers, free thinkers, people who really want to make a difference in this world.

[00:01:00] And occasionally, I talk about something that I am extremely passionate about. I care about everything I talk about, but occasionally I talk about something that I am extremely passionate about. And today is one of those days. Today, we are going to be talking about communication. Yeah, the topic of communication.

[00:01:23] I believe that in this space and time, it is both the easiest and hardest it's ever been to communicate. I believe that people are getting amazing opportunities and leverage and living lives that they never thought possible because of their ability to communicate.

[00:01:48] I also believe that people are losing out on relationships, jobs, friends, love, joy, peace, all these things because they struggle to communicate. So today, we're going to talk a little bit about what communication could look like if you want to see it change your life, if you want to see it elevate your life, or if it's just an area that you feel like you may need to grow in. I think this is going to help you a lot.

[00:02:46] And then just the way that I felt about things. So I always felt like I had to be very clear about how I explained my feelings so that people would understand. And to be fair, they probably felt the same with me, right? I always tell people, just as far as it is for you to get to somebody's house, they got to go just as far to get to your house, right? So if you think the way someone thinks or manages feelings or whatever is weird or crazy or you don't understand it, they probably feel the same way about you.

[00:03:12] They probably can't understand how you do things either, right? But I kind of grew up feeling that way. And I realized much later on, I've shared about this in a podcast before, I realized much later on when I lived with my dad for a summer, in my 20s, in my late 20s, I lived with my dad for the first time since I was three years old. So for the first time in my memory, I had lived with my father just for a summer before I moved to Atlanta.

[00:03:38] And every day at some point, I would look at my dad and go, oh, that's me. That's where I get that from. That's where I, you know, like it was so clear. And I thought to myself, wow, if he had lived with us, I probably would not have felt so misunderstood or alone at times as a child. And so, you know, daddy, stay in the house if you can. If you can, if you can work it out, work it out. Mama's too, because y'all be leaving too.

[00:04:08] If you can work it out, work it out. Because there's a part of your DNA in that house that needs to feel seen and understood. And it might, you might just be the only one. So if you can, you can. I know every situation is nuanced. But I realized that, you know, looking at my dad, oh, there were some things. And so even some of my communication style is very much like my father.

[00:04:31] And I take this so seriously because I also know that had I not developed over time schooling, relationship with God, people in my life discipling and challenging and helping me to refine the way I communicate, which is still happening, probably be happening to the day I die. Without that, I would not have the relationships with my parents and my siblings and my friends that I have.

[00:04:58] My life is so full of really healthy relationships. Not perfect ones, but honest ones, healthy ones. Relationships where we can say hard things to each other and still love each other just as much, if not more, after. My life is full of relationships like that. And I realized what a gift that is and how many people are missing it because people talk to me all the time about it.

[00:05:22] I think the main component, the main ingredient besides God's grace and mercy for my life being that way is my ability to communicate. I wish I could write a book on this. I'm not quite there yet. I need to do more research and grow a little bit in my own ways. But I really do wish I could write a book on communication because it has saved me, my relationships so many times.

[00:05:49] And even teaching people in relationship with me how to talk through their feelings and how to talk through their feelings with me or with others, I've seen it work in their lives. And so I'm excited about this topic. I want to encourage you to hear these things with an open mind because I think that when we hear things about the way we might be communicating or the way we need to communicate, it's very easy to be defensive or it's very easy to shrink.

[00:06:15] Because you're not as articulate as someone who you think. I've heard people say that in arguments like, well, I just don't know what to say. It's like, just tell the truth. It doesn't have to be articulate. Just tell the truth. So I want to encourage you just to be open minded as we delve into this conversation on communication. So there are five pillars of communication that I'm going to go over now to be very clear. If you Google it, you'll see four pillars. You'll see six pillars. You'll see seven pillars.

[00:06:45] I parked on five because one, I feel like that's a good number for us. I'm going to go through them quickly when it's not going to be extensive. But I also feel like these were the five that I feel like are the most important in everyday communication. Meaning someone who does not consider themselves articulate. Maybe someone who doesn't even consider themselves to be an emotional person or a person that's in touch with their feelings. These are things that a person like that can practice and do. So I wanted to keep it super practical.

[00:07:14] And obviously, I'll share some personal examples along the way. The first pillar of communication is clarity. And guys, you can Google this. There are articles on it. I read plenty of them. This is something that is widely known. Great, great articles have been written. And I think they'll be really beneficial for you to read them. But the first pillar is clarity. Clarity, in this case, means the direct messaging of what you feel.

[00:07:42] A well-formulated and easy to understand description of what you feel, avoiding ambiguity. I love this definition because it gives you something that is very clear. Something that is very simple. And this may not seem simple to you, but I promise you it is. The second one is active listening. This is fully focusing on what the other person is saying. Not listening with the intent to reply.

[00:08:09] This is something that I have struggled with my entire life because my brain is moving so fast. I got so many questions. I got so many ideas and feedback and advice. And I have had to learn, and I'm still learning, to listen actively and not to just listen to respond. Number three, mutual understanding. This is the idea of keeping an open mind and that you are open to the person who is speaking to you being right.

[00:08:39] And they're also open to you being right. We're going to get into this, especially for my married folks and especially for my people in business and even friendships. That mutual listening, that mutual understanding is key in communication. Fourth is relevance. I love this one. This is tailoring the information that you are sharing to what is actually happening.

[00:09:04] Making sure that it is essential information and that it is appropriate for the audience and the situation. This is a big one. We're going to get to it. We're going to get to it. This is a big one. Last but not least is assertiveness. This is clearly and respectfully expressing your own opinions or needs without infringing upon the needs of others. That is difficult to do.

[00:09:30] Most people who are assertive have a hard time not infringing upon others. Right? And so we're going to talk a little bit about these things. But guys, I truly believe that these five pillars, if practiced, if put into practice, if worked on, if prayed over, right, can really transform how you communicate. And in turn, how people communicate with you.

[00:09:54] You know, if I did write said book that I was talking about earlier, it would be full of anecdotes about people, myself included, suffering in relationships, in the workplace, in their own mindset and mental health because they have difficulty communicating. Not because they're bad people. Not because they don't love the people they're in relationship with. Not because they're frivolous and don't care and just got to say whatever they want. No.

[00:10:24] Some of that is in there. But it really comes down to people having a difficulty communicating their actual feelings. That's where the breakdown in most communication is. I'll give you an example. You call somebody who maybe you haven't spoken to in a while. Or they call you. And maybe the last four times they've called you, you've been busy and you've texted here and there, but you haven't spoken. And they call you. And you pick up the phone.

[00:10:54] You're like, hey, what's up? They're like, oh, I'm surprised you picked up the phone. Miss busy. Miss this. Miss that. What they're really trying to say is, I miss you. And I didn't expect you to pick up the phone, but I'm so happy that you did. But when they say the other thing first, it will put you on a defense. And now you're like, what's up? What's up? And ask me how I know. Right? This has happened to me in the past. It hasn't happened to me in a long time. Thank God. But it has happened to me before.

[00:11:22] And instead of the person just saying, hey, I miss you, or even texting you, hey, I miss you. When can we talk? What's a good time for you? Let's get something on the schedule. There comes a level of communication that seems aggressive or passive aggressive that then puts you on a defense and doesn't give either one of you what you needed out of that conversation. Right? It's not that the person is upset with you or mean or angry or that you were frustrated or annoyed because you picked up the phone. You wanted to talk to them.

[00:11:50] It's a breakdown in communication. And I see this all the time. That was a frivolous example. That's something you can get over in two seconds. I'm like, girl, whatever. What's up? There are other things that are big. People who have been in relationships for decades and have not been able to get past a certain thing because there is a breakdown in the way one or both of them communicate.

[00:12:15] This is something that I really believe we got to get a hold on if we want to see true progression in our lives. But more than progression, peace. Where communication lacks, where communication struggles, where communication is non-existent, there usually is a lack of peace. Even the peace that people say they feel, I just, I did it for my peace. I got to protect my peace. But you in therapy crying about it every week. You're not at peace. Hello, somebody.

[00:12:45] You're not at peace. You know what I mean? It comes up every single time you get a chance. Anytime this topic is brought up, you go flying because you're not at peace. Not communicating does not necessarily equate to being at peace. It just doesn't. These are things that I really feel like could change our lives if we implement them. You know, when we talk about this idea of clarity, for me, I think this is rightly number one because without this, it's very hard to get to any of the other pillars, right?

[00:13:14] In order to communicate clearly, you have to sit with yourself. And I think this is the part that so many people, so many of us, we miss. So many of us miss the opportunity to communicate our feelings and thoughts or even needs clearly because we haven't sat with ourselves long enough to even get a clear definition for ourselves of what we feel, think, and need.

[00:13:43] I have news for you. It's very hard to tell your spouse, your children, your parents, your friends, your boss, your co-worker, your business partner what you feel, think, and need if you have not been silent for longer than five minutes that day to figure out what you feel, think, and need. Yeah. Yeah, it's going to come out hostile. Yeah, it's going to come out passive aggressive. Yeah, it might not come out at all. Yeah, you might hold it in for 10 years. Because we're so distracted and so desirous of distraction.

[00:14:12] If you have a hard time sitting with uncomfortable, shameful, difficult memories, situations, if you have a hard time with that, if you run from that, because everybody has a hard time with it. But if you run from it, I guarantee you, you're not communicating clearly. And you may be wondering why you keep telling your husband the same thing over and over again. Keep telling your wife. Keep telling your mother. Keep telling your child. Now, some people are just hard-headed, child. And that's when you got to stop talking.

[00:14:38] But for the most part, if you are not sitting with yourself and really doing the work, the work, whether that be therapy, reading a book, journaling, if you're not doing that, it is very hard for you to communicate clearly to someone what you feel, think, or need. Now, communicating well does not ensure that the other person will actually receive what you're saying. I am a witness.

[00:15:09] People have their own filters. You're saying exactly what you need to feel, and people are filtering it through their own abandonment, through their own fear, through their own anxiety, through their own guilt, through their own arrogance. You can't do anything about that. But what you can do is try to ensure that you leave no ambiguity. That's my favorite part about this pillar of communication. When I communicate my feelings to someone, and my friends, my man, my mama, they can attest to this.

[00:15:38] You will be very clear. You will not be able to leave that conversation saying, well, I'm not sure what she meant by that, or I'm not sure what she... Now, whether or not you decide to change based on what I shared with you, whether or not you decide to show up for me the way I told you I needed is on you. So you'll move accordingly, and so will I. But no one will be able to say they left the conversation not knowing what I needed, felt, or thought. That comes because I sit in silence a lot.

[00:16:06] When I have big feelings, I sit with those feelings. And I hate it, y'all. It's very uncomfortable. It triggers memories and things. And because I have done this work so long with myself, you know, me and my friends joke, like my 20s, the whole decade, my whole personality was healing. Legit. Like every book I read, I was in the podcast, all of that, listening to sermons. My whole personality was healing. And I did... I've done a lot of the work, and I'll be doing work till the day I die.

[00:16:35] But because I sit with those things, it is not difficult for me to tell you exactly how I feel and why I felt it. It is not difficult if you ask me a question about something you did or something I did for me to tell you exactly what my thought process was because I've sat with it. I've already been... Here's the thing. You can't make me uncomfortable now. I've already been uncomfortable. The discomfort has set in me for longer than this conversation is going to last. You can't make me uncomfortable.

[00:17:04] So now I can tell you exactly how I feel, exactly what I want, exactly what I need, and there can be no ambiguity between us. Now, I've had to learn how to do that respectfully. Yes. I've had to learn how to do that with patience because sometimes I'm so clear that the person is like this, like they're drinking from the fire hydrant. It's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't have access to all these feelings within myself, so I definitely can't process all your feelings, which is fair, right?

[00:17:33] But I do it nonetheless to the extent that the person I'm talking to needs or can handle while still honoring myself. Because another thing is if you can't process or handle my feelings the way that makes me feel seen and loved, then I have to give you less access to those feelings. But clarity does that. You being clear does that.

[00:17:57] And it helps you to give the person less access without anger, without resentment, without all these things, right? It helps you to just say, I am clear on what I need. I've spoken it to you clearly. You've clearly decided you cannot or will not show up for me in that way. Okay. Got it. I have literally said that to people that I love very much. Got it. I am telling you what I need. You are telling me you can't do that because I'm saying it so you understand that that's what I'm hearing right now.

[00:18:27] Got it. I will do what I can do in this situation and I will move accordingly. And it leaves so much peace in the relationship for me. I can't speak to how I feel. But for me, I've communicated. You've communicated. I'm going to do my best. You'll do what you believe is your best and we'll see where the chips fall. And so clarity really, really is helpful. The next one is active listening. This one is hard. This one is so hard. And, you know, every time I think about an active listener, I think of a friend of mine. Her name is Zainabu.

[00:18:57] Shout out to you, Zainabu. She taught me how to be an active listener. And she didn't teach it to me by telling me to do it. She taught it to me by showing me. She showed me how to be an active listener. I was going through a really difficult time in my life in my mid-20s. And I would call her and we would talk. And I would go on rants. I'm talking to a camera for a living. You guys know I can go on rants.

[00:19:26] Big feelings about what I was going through at the time. And Zainabu would listen. And, you know, periodically she would go, uh-huh. Yep. Yeah. Yeah, no. No, that makes sense. Yeah. Mm-hmm. You know, she's a black woman, so she's going to respond. But then at the end of whatever I was saying, she would go, okay. Got it. Okay. Then she would take a pause and go, you know, or, okay.

[00:19:52] So I think, and I knew she was listening to me because the advice that she would give me after was so poignant. I don't know if she was over there taking notes or what because we wasn't on FaceTime back then. But she would hit every single thing I said. But she would take a pause. And sometimes the pause made me uncomfortable because I'm like, girl, what you think? Because I'm so anxious to get help or to not feel what I'm feeling that I would be a little, you know. But she would take a pause. And I'm talking like a 30-second, 45, 60-second pause.

[00:20:23] And then she would be like, okay. So, and what that taught me was, wow, she was actually listening to me as I was talking. So she needs a second to come up with a response or to formulate her response. I love that. Now, I still don't take a 45, 60-second, but I take a 15, 20-second. For a person like me with my undiagnosed ADHD, it feels like forever. I try to take a pause.

[00:20:51] I try to actively listen. And the biggest thing that I think is important in this, especially for my people who are married or in business with someone, active listening ensures that you go into the conversation with a desire to understand more than to be understood. This is my cheat code. I'm telling y'all, this is my cheat code. This is why me and my husband don't argue. This is why I don't argue with my parents. This is why I don't argue with my friends. I don't have these issues.

[00:21:21] Because when I enter a conversation with someone, I make it clear. I even say to them sometimes, my desire is to understand you more than being understood. And that's important for a person like me. If you are like me and you talk a lot and you express yourself very well and it can be intimidating to some people, it helps people to know that you have come there not to be right. I'm telling you, it helps. It gives them confidence.

[00:21:50] It lets them know that you're listening. It lets them know that they can be as honest as they need to be without worrying about hurting your feelings because you already told them. I am here to understand not to be understood. Now, because the people I'm in relationship with closely love me and want to understand me, I get a chance to have my say as well. But generally, I let them speak first. I let them speak as long as they need to speak.

[00:22:15] And I find every single thing in what they said because I'm actually listening to take accountability for. Ask my people. You can ask my mama. I'm telling you. And y'all know it is difficult as a grown person to have hard conversations with your parents. But you've got to go in saying, I need to understand this about you or this about us or this about myself. Did you see this in me as a kid? Like, when did I become like this?

[00:22:43] Like, even having those conversations, it's just helpful to listen actively. And I find that when you actively listen to someone, they desire to listen back. It breaks the walls down. People have the desire to hear you out. The next one, I could go on and on about all these, y'all. So I'm trying to keep it in time. But the next one is mutual understanding. And this is just very simple. Are you open-minded and are you talking to an open-minded person? Here's the thing.

[00:23:10] If the person you're talking to has already made up their mind about you, stop talking. Uh-huh. I'm giving you permission. Let me give you permission, little sister, niece, friend, cousin, auntie, grandma, mom, dad, brother. Let me give you permission to stop talking if the person you're talking to has clearly already made up their mind about you. There's a few ways you know a person who has made up their mind about you. They're accusing, not asking.

[00:23:40] They have already exhibited a consequence for behaviors they haven't spoken to you about. Right? They've already done something to you or stopped doing something because of their perception of whatever they think you said or did. These are ways you know that a person already has made up their mind about you. And so if that's the case, there cannot be mutual understanding. Mutual understanding requires both people to come into the conversation with an open mind.

[00:24:09] Now, I'm not saying stop talking immediately. Give them a chance. Maybe even say, hey, I honestly feel like you're not even trying to see this from my perspective. But if the next thing I think I'm like, no, because you did. Okay. Okay. You got it. You got it, big dog. Like, I don't know about you, but I actually don't have time.

[00:24:30] There are people in my life who think the best of me, who want to see the best of me, who will gladly sit and listen to something, me explain myself, even if I've done something to hurt them. They want to hear, okay, but what was your thinking? They want to hear my apology. I don't got time for nobody who does not want to have any mutual understanding when they come into a conversation. On the other side, make sure that you're open-minded when you come into a conversation.

[00:24:55] I know that when somebody has hurt you, done you wrong, maybe cheated on you, lied to you, there are times when you don't want to hear it. But if you feel like the relationship is worth salvaging, and I would hope you would feel like that if you're sitting down talking to them, you got to go in with an open mind. You got to go in willing. Even if you know they did something wrong and they know they did something wrong, you got to go in at least willing to listen to why they did it. Listen to their reasoning, their mindset, their trauma, and then you can move accordingly.

[00:25:24] Listen, these pillars don't mean you reconcile. Hello, somebody. These pillars just help you to understand what you're dealing with and make an informed, not emotional, decision on how you want to proceed. The next one is relevant. This is good. This is so, so, so, so good. This is really good when it comes to parent-child. This is really good when it comes to spouse. And this is really good when it comes to people who have been friends for a really long time. People who share a history.

[00:25:54] This is really good when it comes to that. Because sometimes you're having a problem getting to resolution because you keep bringing up things that don't have anything to do with what you guys are actually talking about. You're bringing up things that have already been discussed in the past and apologized for. You're bringing up things that people have already changed and repented of. And so it is difficult to get to any sort of understanding of one another because there's a lot of irrelevant things in the conversation.

[00:26:22] And don't get me wrong when I say this. Sometimes you are bringing up the past and the past is very much relevant in the present. Not everything you bring up from the past is irrelevant. But at least help the person that you're talking to to understand why you're bringing this up. For instance, I'm bringing this up because when you do things like this, it triggers my memories of when you did X. This lets the person know, I'm not bringing up X to throw it in your face.

[00:26:50] I'm bringing this up because I want you to know that this behavior is a little too close to that for me. And I don't like it. That's important to say. That's important to say to your parents. Parents, it's important to say to your kids. If you have a kid who put you through all the trauma in the world in high school and couldn't get right. And they start doing some behavior that's a little wonky. It's okay for you to say, hey, I know you're a different person and I know that you're trying to grow. But your irresponsibility right now is triggering the times before where I had to bail you out.

[00:27:20] It's a trigger for me. It's okay to say that as a parent. It is okay. It's okay to tell your spouse, hey, this really triggers this insecurity in me from my childhood. And that don't got nothing to do with you. But I'm bringing this up because I think it'll help you understand me better. But outside of that, bringing up irrelevant information, things that a person has not only apologized for but repented, changed. Because child apology don't mean much if you keep doing the same thing.

[00:27:49] But if the person has actually changed and they've been better, continuing to bring up irrelevant things is not helpful. Another part of relevance that I think is so important is not sharing information at an inappropriate time or in front of an inappropriate person. This is so important. Sometime the communication breakdown is happening because you're doing it in front of your kids. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah, so mommy can't say what she actually wants to say because her daughter's right there.

[00:28:17] Now, you done flew off the handle because you're not cognizant of what this may do to this little girl or boy. You done flew off the handle because you're not cognizant of the fact that your six-year-old or seven-year-old or eight-year-old actually understands exactly what y'all trying to say under y'all breath. But the other parent is. And so it's difficult to actually communicate. Or one is defending the child and what they did while the other parent is trying to correct the child. This is inappropriate.

[00:28:46] And so it is difficult to communicate properly and well because there's a relevancy issue in the way in which you're handling the situation. I'm telling you guys, this one is a big one in relationships. And I think that if we could get some understanding of when it is appropriate, what information is appropriate, how to bring up the past, how to bring up things, it'll really help the person that you're talking to understand what you're saying and why you're saying it.

[00:29:15] This has saved me a lot of times, child, because I will go back and talk about something that triggered me. And my husband will be like, OK, but I didn't do that to you. And I'm like, yeah, but you have to understand that that one little thing that you do, that reminds me of that. And I know that you don't want to remind me of that. And I know that that one little thing you do ain't really that important to you. So can we not do that? Great. Got it. You know what I mean? And vice versa. Because here's the thing about being a great communicator.

[00:29:41] You start teaching the people around you how to communicate with you and they start telling you a thing or two about a thing or two. And you got to eat that. You got to take that. Right? And so relevance is super important in these pillars of communication. Last but not least is assertiveness. And this one, as I said earlier, is different because it takes tact. It takes love.

[00:30:03] I think assertiveness is best practice when you really care about the person you're talking to because you're able to be assertive, but you do it in a way that still handles the person delicately. And, you know, it's about respectfully expressing your needs and thoughts to other people without infringing upon theirs. You got to say it. You can't communicate without saying it.

[00:30:28] Any communication that you do without verbally, clearly, assertively expressing what you feel is passive aggressive. It just comes off passive aggressive. And it's not going to get you the result that you want. You know, I can't tell you how many times I've been talking to a wife specifically because that's who comes to me for the most advice. And they'll be talking to me about something with their husband. And, you know, some people, some of this has been people who've been married for two, three decades. Some people who've been married for shorter than that. And they'll tell me this or tell me that. And I say, well, have you said that to him?

[00:30:59] And they'll go, well, not like that. Well, not in so many words. Well, not so honestly. And listen, I'm all for time and place. I'm all for picking your battles. Wives, I get it. I know. We got to make sure the next one and the sun is in the sky in the right place. You know, I get it. Not, you know, you can't go to your man any kind of way, any kind of time. You got to pick your battles. I understand. But you have to say it.

[00:31:26] This is the person that you have decided to spend the rest of your long-legged life with. If you have an issue with the way that they speak to you, with the way that they dress, with the way that they show up physically, with the way that they spend money, with the way that they go to church or don't go to church, I don't know, whatever. However, you have to find a way to say it. It doesn't mean you have to say exactly what you think. You know what I mean?

[00:31:53] Some of us as women, the way we talk to men about how they look and what they, we couldn't handle it for one second if they was gut-level honest with us, brutally honest with us about everything they felt. So I'm not saying be brutally honest, but not saying it at all. You are storing up resentment and bitterness for your spouse. This is something that I'm hardcore about in my own marriage because I'm married to a man that's very chill, very whatever, y'all. It ain't that big of a deal.

[00:32:19] And I'm like, I don't want you to wake up one day hating me because for the last 10 years you didn't like how I did X or Y or how I said X or Y. Please tell me. I beg you to tell me. We have a group that we get together with. Two of my friends, well, four of my friends, honestly. I was about to say my friends and their husbands, but the husbands are my best friends too. They were both in my wedding. And the six of us get together on Zoom once a month because one of us lives in different places. And we just tell the truth about whatever.

[00:32:47] And sometimes it's full of laughs for half of it and the other half is kind of serious and giving it back. But it is, you know, it's my husband's license to just keep it funky with me because one, these are my friends. I brought him into the fall. So he knows they already have seen me up, down, around in every which way. They know all my sin. They know all my struggles. These women know me. They know the ugly stuff, the stuff I don't want to talk about on camera. You know what I mean? And so he can say this, that, or the third. They know my heart so they can advocate for me if that ever needed to be the case.

[00:33:16] But it's important that you give your spouse the space to assertively tell you what they need to tell you. It's important you give your kids that space. Kids, adult kids, it's important you give your parents that space to be able to tell you what they think, what they feel, what they're worried about, what they're fearful about. I think our parents as adults, I'm figuring out, my parents have so much fear about their future and our relationship.

[00:33:45] Like their relationships with their kids in general. They just want to be there. They want to be there for their kids, their grandkids. They don't want to say the wrong thing. So you got to be willing to listen to somebody tell you what they feel assertively as well. But you got to say it. You have to say it. One of the things that my therapist said to me in our second session, we were talking about my struggles at times and not holding my feelings in.

[00:34:14] Because as good as I am about all these things, I know that I have a lot of feelings. So I could tell somebody 10% of what I feel and it could overwhelm them. So when you know that, you start figuring out what to stuff, what to hold, what to not share, right? And my therapist was talking to me about some of the things that, you know, I was saying and sharing with him. And he said, you know, Lish, the Holy Spirit has gotten credit for a lot of things and rightly so.

[00:34:43] Deserves credit for a lot of things. But on the day of Pentecost, do you know what the Holy Spirit gave the people? The Holy Spirit gave the people the ability to communicate. Guys, I had studied out the Holy Spirit for an entire year. The whole year of 2025, I studied out the Holy Spirit. Read books on it. Preached sermons on it. Wrote Bible studies and devotionals.

[00:35:12] Completely skipped me. That the Holy Spirit is who empowers us to communicate with people who otherwise would not understand. Go back! Go look at the day of Pentecost. The Holy Spirit is who empowers us to communicate clearly with people who otherwise would not be able to understand us because we're speaking different languages. There's some people in your life who emotionally, y'all speak a different language.

[00:35:41] Y'all don't speak the same language emotionally. Y'all don't process emotions the same. Y'all don't even emote the same. They're speaking a different language. It's going to be the Holy Spirit who's going to give you the power to speak to that person and they understand you and you understand them. That's going to be the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is going to empower you to be able to say that thing to your husband you've been saying for 20 years and him finally get it. Or him to tell you that thing he hasn't been telling you for 20 years because it was too much for him to even talk about.

[00:36:11] And you be there for him. This is how the Holy Spirit works. The Holy Spirit can mend your relationship with your adult child that's struggling. Your relationship with your young child. You feel like you cannot get through to that preteen, that teenager, that middle schooler. You feel like, what is going on? Me and you used to be so close. Now you bugging and thugging. Pray about it. Pray through every single one of these pillars. Pray for God to help you to be clear when you're communicating.

[00:36:38] And for the person who's communicating with you to feel empowered to do that clearly. Pray for you to become an active listener if that's a struggle of yours. Pray that you'd be able to have the humility to go into conversations desiring to understand more than to be understood. Pray that there will be mutual listening. That you will have an open mind and that the person that you're talking to will have an open mind. Pray that you can stay on topic. That you can stay relevant.

[00:37:07] That you can only bring up the information that needs to be brought up in this particular situation. And that you can do it at a time and space that is appropriate for the actual solution to the problem. And last but not least, pray that you can be assertive and bold. That you can respectfully communicate your needs, your wants, your ideas. Without infringing upon the needs, wants, and ideas of others.

[00:37:34] So that you guys can come to a mutual understanding of what you need. And have the relationships, the work environment, the business, the marriage, the friendship that you so desire. I hope that this helps. I hope that this encourages you to dig deeper into these pillars. To figure out the ones that are weaknesses for you. As well as the ones that are strengths. And that's the beautiful thing about these five pillars. We all have something in here that we're really good at. And then we got some things that's a little bit of a struggle, right?

[00:38:02] Go dig deep into these things. Read some articles. Pray. Dig into the Holy Spirit on the day of Pentecost. And what he poured over the people coming from different places. And how they were able to communicate. This will revolutionize and change your life. I am a witness, y'all. Y'all know I only come on here talking this passionately about stuff that I actually do. And so I hope that this encourages you. Listen, if you have listened on Holy Culture, channel 140 on Sirius XM at 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time on a Monday night.

[00:38:31] We thank you so much for listening there. If you've watched on Holy Culture's YouTube, we thank you for watching there. And if you're watching on my YouTube, thanks so much for watching here. Please make sure that you subscribe. Make sure you share this with a friend. I think this will impact somebody you know. Make sure that you share it with them. Leave a comment of anything that encouraged and inspired you. And most of all, please come back next week. Same time, same place. Peace.