1024. IJLMI: Into Vision

[00:00:00] Kaffee in seiner besten Form mit der neuen Cubo One Kapselmaschine von Chibo. In jeder Cubo Kapsel steckt Spitzenkaffee aus besonderen Anbaugebieten für Espresso, Kaffeekrema oder Kaffeekrande auf Knopfdruck. Die neue Cubo One überzeugt mit Premium Design, kompakter Größe und kleinem Einstiegspreis ab 29 Euro. Dank innovativer Press Brew Technologie wird jede Tasse besonders aromatisch mitsamtiger Crema. Entdecke jetzt die Cubo Kapselmaschinen in deiner Chibo Fiale und auf Chibo.de.

[00:00:57] Ich hab ihn mit ihr, was ich, ich muss ich wissen. Ich muss was, ich muss wissen. Hier ist was es, was ich muss, was ich weiß. Es ist nicht so, wir sind es, wir sind. Wir sind zu tun, weil wir sind, wir sind zu wissen. Ich bin nicht, wir waren Dating, ich warst du nicht, ich warst 6 o'clock, ich muss wissen. Don't let your desire for knowing, keep you from knowing, und and being known by the person who you are sharing yourself with.

[00:01:44] What's up, everybody? It's your girl, Liz Speaks. And welcome back to another episode of I'll Just Let Myself In. It's the podcast where we don't wait for an imaginary permission slip or some seat at an imaginary table. We let ourselves into our God-given doors. I'm excited because it's been a few weeks, almost a month since I've had a guest. You guys have been in there with the tritches with me with the solo episodes. We've been talking about matters of the heart. We've been talking about taking our power back. We've been talking about some deep things.

[00:02:13] But y'all know when I bring you a guest, it is someone who is worthy of the things that we talk about here on this podcast. It's someone who also believes that you have the power to walk through your God-given doors. It is someone who has not waited in their own lives, but taken their own lives by their hands and gone through the doors God's given them. And so I know that you guys have a, you know, you have high expectations. Because excellence is the key. Period.

[00:02:43] Okay. But I promise you my guest today will not disappoint. She calls herself the vision coach. Oh yeah. And not only does she call herself that, but so many other people, both online and IRL, because that matters, trust her with their vision, with their dreams, with the desires of their heart. Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, we have Coach Crystal in the building today. Hey, I let myself in. I'm here. Period. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Hey y'all, how you feeling?

[00:03:12] I'm amazing. You good? I'm so glad to be here, Liz. I mean, you know, I love having real conversations. So let's do it. I mean. Absolutely. Yeah. Well, first of all, I'm glad to have you here. We know each other in real life. Yes. Not just from the internet. Yes. She is someone who I've seen come into a room and light the room up. Thank you. Thank you. Not even trying. Yeah. Yeah, really. Just being herself. And you have to like remember that. Yeah. Because the things that you're doing or the things that are happening around you to other people really are your gift, whether you recognize it or not.

[00:03:42] So when people tell me stuff, I'll be like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, nice to be her. Right? I used to put it off and put it behind me a lot of like, oh yeah, no, but no, no, no. Yeah. Now when you own it, you're like, oh yeah, I am a thermostat, not a thermometer. I do change the temperature in a room. Absolutely. And I get to choose where that's going to be. Absolutely. I love that. I love that about you. And I'm going to hop right into it because there's so much importance to what you do and the way that you communicate concepts, ideas. I think it's really special.

[00:04:13] Thank you. I don't think that, let me say this. Okay. You're not where you're going to be. And I know you already know that. Amen. But you are a thought leader. I receive it. Globally. Yeah. I believe this. I receive it. Not only do I believe it, but someone who, as the black contingency, I can speak for us. We all trust. Speak on it, delegate. Speak on it. Someone we all trust a whole lot thinks this about you as well. Phylicia Rashad once said to you. Oh, my God. And about you.

[00:04:42] Wisdom articulated through one's own experience is empowering, she said. Right. That's powerful communication because it awakens something in the people who hear it. Right. She says it is supported, verified, and fortified by your own experience. And then she looked at you and said, that's what you do. Girl, and I could have just. Thank you. I could have just fell out right then. She said, thank you. Right. Phylicia Rashad. Thank you. Yes. Yes, she did.

[00:05:12] The mother of all mothers. As she should. You know, the Cosby Show. I'm like, Claire Hustle will look at me. Okay. And I could have like, I mean, right then, I think we look for milestones that other people create for us. Yeah. And right then, I could have just been like, I retire. Yeah. I got the validation. I'm done. Right. Because that external validation from the masses really means nothing. She said this to my face. Yes.

[00:05:38] She sat through two hours of a workshop that I presented and said, that's exactly what I needed. And I said, what? Yeah. I just taught Phylicia Rashad something? Or like confirmed her own wisdom? Yeah. I could have just left. Yeah. Existence left. When opportunities like that happen, when you get around these people. Right. And you are poured into, because that's not often the case for you. You're in these spaces and you're often pouring. Yeah.

[00:06:06] What does it feel like to have a moment like that spiritually for you? Because we know what it feels like carnally, right? We're just happy. We're grateful. All that stuff. But spiritually, what does that do for you? Yeah. Well, particularly in that moment, I can remember feeling so much resolve. Right? Because I think we think of resolution as the end of something. But really to be resolved is to come into alignment with the things you've been thinking and feeling.

[00:06:33] And for someone to see that, not just like, oh my God, great workshop. Right. For her to look at me and say, oh, I know what you were talking about. Like these people writing some stuff down on their worksheet, but I know what you was really saying. Yeah. Right? For her to look at me as another spiritual journeyman. As another sojourner towards wisdom. Right? I love that. She was like, oh yeah, I see what you're doing. And not just keep doing it, but you're doing great. Yeah.

[00:07:04] You're doing it well. You're doing it well. Yeah. Right? And that means, you know, we both love the Lord. You know, like I don't have to wait till good and faithful servant. Yes. I don't have to wait to get on the other. I can hear it right now. I love that. Right? This is, we get to choose heaven on earth. Yeah. And it's how we perceive the gifts and the pathways and the ways that we interact with each other because we are relational creatures, not just in love relationships, but in relation

[00:07:32] to all the things around us and finding that relationship to be relatable to someone you respect. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. Oh, that's good. Yeah. You know, this whole vision coach thing, I think is so good. It's so true to who you are. Yeah. And I want to talk a little bit about the services that you offer, kind of how you show up in that space. But before we do that, who was the first person that you can remember casting or having a vision for you? Was it a teacher?

[00:08:01] Was it a family member? Like, who was it? You know, I think a lot of people could see things in me before I could see it in myself. I'm sure. And they would say, oh, you're going to do great things. They didn't know what the things were. Same. And I think, you know, that's where we get messed. That's where we get kind of confused as young people. Right? Because, and you know, my clients will tell you, confusion is not a word that we are allowed to say in the Steps and Sages community because it means conflict and fusion.

[00:08:30] We don't need to fuse conflict in a way to understand. Like, right. That's not, that's the opposite of understanding. So when you claim it, you're obviously wanting conflict within. Right? So we actually don't use the word confused. But when you're young, you don't have a better way to say it. And so when you're young and people say, oh, I see great things in you and you don't see them in yourself and they can't name it for you. Then you begin to pontificate on all the things you don't have because they're not telling you what they do see. Right? Yeah.

[00:08:59] And so people would say, oh, you're going to do great things. And I'd be like, okay, what are they going to be? Yeah. Right? And so it got to the point where like I was 18 and I could not see past 18. Mm-hmm. And I was like, what's going on? Like, it was like walking to a flat edge of the earth and being like, you're going to fall off. Right? Like I was going to go to college. Okay. I couldn't go to the college that I thought I wanted to go to because my father's VA benefits wouldn't pay for private colleges. Right?

[00:09:26] So then I picked a different school and I ended up going to a school for dance and business because at that point what I could see was a return to what I knew. Okay. Right? And that return to what I knew was being the first black dance teacher in a little town in North Carolina. That's what I could see. I could see going to school, getting a teacher certification, getting a business degree and going back and opening up a dance studio because that's what I knew. My dance teacher had been paying me $25 an hour since I was 14 to teach dance. And I was like, oh, this is the cover. Yeah. Right?

[00:09:56] Like, I was around so many female entrepreneurs at a young age that I didn't recognize. Right? I was sweeping up hair in a hair salon owned by Miss Pat. Shout out to Miss Pat. Right? Every Saturday, sweeping up hair, taking out rollers, listening to women. Talk that talk. Yeah. When their husbands went around. You know what I mean? Like, really getting that like, oh, okay. That's what I think. Right? And I'm from the South. You don't say nothing. You say, well, let me take your rollers out, Miss Pat. Then you don't move along. But you listening, right?

[00:10:25] They're putting you on game. And so all those kind of early experiences where people are like, oh, you're going to do great things. What they were seeing was, oh, you have a good work ethic. Oh, you don't mind talking to strangers. Oh, you're a great teacher. Right? And teaching is communication. Right? We know this from way back that if you want to know, you read. Yeah. If you want to master, if you want to like understand, you write. But if you want to master, you teach. You want to retain. Yep. Yeah.

[00:10:54] So that teaching started to bring out a deeper understanding of so many things for me. And that's how I started. And so moving out of this kind of like not seeing turned into me seeing a simpler path of coming of a kind of road to return. And then my father died the year before I graduated from college. And my parents were, you know, people who were trying to figure it out. I can relate. I'm a first generation college grad. My father lost both his legs in Vietnam.

[00:11:23] They moved back to my mother's hometown. So they were already in that rights of return. Right? They already knew like what it meant to go back and try to be better than where you came from. And so he died and we kind of had this unspoken conversation that he was going to be my business partner in his dance studio because he came from the military. So there could be some VA benefits and loans that I could get to start this business. So when he died, that kind of that scaffolding in my mind fell apart. Yeah.

[00:11:50] And so then I just started reaching out. My mother is a, was a 23 year politician with no college degree. So she taught me how to, you know what I'm saying? Get where you need to go. You got to correct. Right? And so in a many, in many instances, as I was growing up, I would like be speaking at NAACP rallies and black caucus rallies and like standing in a folding chair because I wasn't tall enough to reach the mic. Really? Right? And so all those things were just scaffolding this person you see now. Right?

[00:12:19] And she was doing it to kind of have a, you know, a doppelganger. But at the end of it, you know, what it turned into was like me being able to pay most of my college through being in pageants. Right? And being able to speak well and dance and all these things. And all of those kind of rolled into this person that was not afraid to be in new rooms. Right? And so when my father died and that plan fell apart, the thing that kicked in was find a new room.

[00:12:49] Right? Like, okay, now what room? And my teachers were like, oh, you could be a professional. Try this, try that. And I was like, I'm not good enough to be a professional dancer. Like, I can't even do a split. Right? But I knew how to get in the room. I knew how to make myself valuable to people. And so then I ended up having this amazing performance career that people dream about. You know? Toured all over the world. Like, with companies like Urban Bush from the Biltie Jones, Liz Lerman, B.B. Miller, Chuck Davis. Like, did all the things. Yeah.

[00:13:18] And was watching other women in that corridor who wanted to be at the table while I was at. Right? Yeah. And like you said, we don't wait for tables. No. We build tables. So I built a table called Inspire, which is a company. A dance company is 24 years old now. And that was where I was bringing in all the other people who wanted the life I was living, but they couldn't get in the door because of whatever. Yeah. Right? So they were coming in. We were, like, producing our own shows. We still do. There's a piece we're touring right now called What We Ask of Flesh.

[00:13:48] And so, like, that whole evolution of creating new pathways and being courageous enough to walk into strange rooms. Yeah. To be the stranger. Yeah. Really kind of started to morph into what people call today authenticity. Which is becoming a word I don't even want to use no more because they didn't mess it up. Right. Yeah. Right.

[00:14:12] Because what it was really doing was sharpening and refining the gifts that I had been given. Yeah. Right? And that, being able to sharpen your gifts and show up in the gift, regardless of the situation, circumstance, or condition, is the authenticity. Yeah. Right? And I think people are, they're mistaking authenticity for maintaining a character. Mm-hmm. Right? And if we, you know, I'm a dancer by trade. For many years, I'm a dance professor, all the things.

[00:14:41] And I used to complain that actors get paid more than dancers. Mm-hmm. And then I realized, no, no, no. That's okay. They can have the more money. Mm-hmm. Because what they do is they move themselves out of the way for years at a time. Yeah. To become the person you clearly see on the screen. Yeah. Right? Right? That is a level of, you know, bifurcation of personality that I don't know if I could endure and still hold on to myself, still be self-possessed. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Right?

[00:15:11] And so that's the difference. Like, people are figuring out who they want to be, and they're trying to be that. Yeah. But they're not aligning that future self with the current self. They haven't made that agreement. Like, you know, I tell my clients all the time, your future self has to be happy with you in the next five minutes, five hours, five days, five weeks, five months, five years. So the decision I'm making to sit with you and talk now, my future self has to agree with this decision. But how do you get there? Yeah.

[00:15:41] Yeah. How do you get there when obviously the future self that many of us envision is so different, far from better than who we currently are? Yeah. How do you make agreement with that? Yeah. I think it's a practice. Everything is a practice. Yeah. That's what I want also people, right? Like, you know, I'm so well-versed and diligent about what I do and teach because I understand practice on a very deep level.

[00:16:11] Mm-hmm. Right? Like, you know, and it's a carryover. Yeah. Like, I'm on stage for 35 minutes, but I've been rehearsing for six months. Mm-hmm. Right? That diligence of practice showing up to rehearsal. Yeah. Right? And so if I know the vision of my future self, that she is an international well-known speaker, she is a loving mother, aunt, sister, friend, and coach. Mm-hmm. She values her integrity. She wakes up in the morning.

[00:16:39] Her rituals do not take a backseat to her environment. Mm-hmm. Like, the things that I know about her, right? So detail, the things that I know about her are telling me if what I'm doing right now is in alignment with her. Mm-hmm. Got it. Right? It's not what she has. It's not what she drives. It's not what she's wearing. Got it. It's who she is. Mm-hmm. Right? And so today, whether I am waking up in Cabo or Kentucky. Yeah. The ritual stays the same. Yeah.

[00:17:09] Right? And a lot of people are like, well, why you do that every day? Like, well, I do it because at this point, I've been practicing these rituals so long and they shift and grow with me, right? That I don't trust myself to show up authentically without them. Mm-hmm. If I don't practice what's in alignment with her, then I could show up as her. Mm-hmm. And we love her. Right. We love her. But we left her.

[00:17:38] But we left her back there for a reason. Yes, ma'am. Now, she could come out if we need her. Correct. But we don't need her right now. Correct. Right? I tell- You are speaking to me. Right. Right. On a very deep level. My future self is the general. Yeah. She's now a part of the infantry. Mm-hmm. Now, if we're going to fight a big war, we need all of them to come out. Yes. Bring them out. Bring them out. Yes. Like, we need all of her to come out. Right? The gangster, the country girl. Yes. Yes. But we don't-

[00:18:07] Every day is not a fight. Mm-hmm. Right? And so she's looking at strategy. Yeah. She's looking at big picture. She's surveying the land so we can take more time. We need them to fight. Right? And when we need them to fight to gain some ground, they're going to come out. Mm-hmm. But they don't need to be out right now. No. Yeah. The gym droppery is just at an all-time high right now. I'm so excited. I'm excited for y'all because I know, Crystal, I can get this whenever I need it. If I needed to- Call your girl. Right.

[00:18:36] But I'm excited for y'all because the level, I mean, Phylicia Rashad said it, the level of wisdom with which you communicate ideas is so special because it is authentic. Yeah. It is your actual lived experience. Oh, yeah. And it's something that I think is missing, something that is needed, something that I try to, you know, in my now 38 years of experience, try to give to people who are younger than me and my peers because I think it's so important.

[00:19:06] And you also do this thing that I love. You take two words or two ideas that people often conflate. Yeah. Right? And you will clarify how and why they are different in a way that is not demeaning, but in a way that clearly lets your listener, you know, the person who is ingesting the information know how the conflation of these two things may be a hindrance to their progress. Yeah.

[00:19:36] Where did you learn that? Okay. So let's go back, right? Like everybody has a dream. Okay. Everybody, you know, I also love to really just clarify for people that you were born whole. Everything else is a fragment along the way and your job is to come back to your original wholeness, right? Without letting, you know, the things about like being a dark skinned girl in the South keep me thinking I'm not attractive, keep my socioeconomic status growing up.

[00:20:06] Like I was a welfare mother when we met, right? Like all the things- I would have never known that. See what I'm saying? Right? Like all the things that could psychologically continue to tell me I'm less than, not keep me from becoming more than, right? Right. And so I think what the original, my original goals was to be an accountant and a writer. Really? Yeah. So I love words. Yes. I love words, right? And I think I love words so much because I love to communicate.

[00:20:35] Some people like to talk. Same. Some people like to talk. Yeah. And talking and communicating is not the same thing. Come on, you're doing it right now. Right? Right. And I, you know, for the people who are of my generation, it's the difference between rap and hip hop. Mm-hmm. Right. But everybody ain't KRS woman. No. Everybody don't have a message. No. Everybody is not aligned with the thing they're trying to do in a holistic way. Right? So I think communication for me is so important because I think a lot of people, and I'm

[00:21:05] from the South, right? And so I think it was, it comes from a frustration. Mm-hmm. Okay. So I'm from the South. And I think this happens everywhere, but I think we have a real deep connection to colloquialism in the South. Mm-hmm. We have a really deep connection to saying things in small metaphors and not asking people, do they understand? Yeah.

[00:21:31] And what we know from scripture is that in all things, you must get understanding. Gain understanding. But we don't gain understanding because we're so well-versed in spitting out the metaphor. Mm-hmm. Right? Joke. The joke. The one-liner. Right. Yeah. Getting to the punchline. Yeah. And repeating things that we think are acceptable, even if they're not admirable. Mm-hmm. Right? Yeah.

[00:22:00] And so for me, breaking down the word is so important because I want people to understand. Yeah. I want people to know that I could have been looking at it this way because so-and-so used to say it to me that way. Mm-hmm. Right? But when they said it to me that way, they actually didn't know what it meant either. Yeah. Right? Like, they've been saying it. Yes. Been saying it for years.

[00:22:23] And I tell you, the thing that got me so, the thing that really shifted my perspective on it was really having a child and vowing to myself that I would never say to him because I said so. Mm-hmm. And when you can't say because I said so- And you got to explain. As a power struggle with a smaller individual, I'm not saying a lesser individual.

[00:22:50] Not a less intelligent individual, not a smaller spirit, not a weaker entity. Yeah. But like, when you can't just skip over and you got to explain and you give that other individual permission to ask why. Yeah. And don't call it disrespect. Mm-hmm. You got to get your language together. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's good. Yeah. That's good. Let's talk a little bit about your son. Okay. And motherhood. Mm-hmm.

[00:23:20] You just told me when I met you, you were a welfare mom. I'd never known that. Every room you've ever walked in, anytime I've ever been around you, anytime I've ever seen you, head held high. Yeah. Beautiful smile. Thank you. You got that dancer's walk. Yeah. I've never seen this woman walk, but them shoulders is back. That head is up. Yeah. Fun to be around. Present mother. Yeah. You know?

[00:23:45] What was it like raising him in the circumstances that you were going through? And how did you do that and still keep the persona, the attitude that I just described? Yeah. I mean, some days was a lot of work. I mean, every day was a lot of work. I think I want to be clear that I'm a parent who's single. Now, my fiance takes offense when I say that. Come on, fiance. Bless his heart. We're going to get there.

[00:24:12] But what I'm trying to say is, you know, if we're going to be real churchy until you married, you're single. Period. Okay? And I have been parenting for 16 years as a single person. Yes. Right. So, first of all, I just want to say that out loud because we still have a stigma towards single mothers. And again, when we talk about words, a woman told me very early on, she said, don't talk about yourself as a single mother. She said, what's your priority, singlehood or motherhood? I said, motherhood. And she said, well, you're a parent who's single.

[00:24:41] And that right there turned it around. Because I was like, yeah, like I'm not going to start this from deficit. Yeah. Right. That's good. So, being a parent who's single, my son's father and I separated when he was one. Okay. And so, from then on, you know, we, unfortunately, there is a script. And I did not believe it when the older women who had gone through this told me. They were like, well, it's going to be a script. First, this is going to happen. Then you're going to have to go to court. And then I was like, no.

[00:25:11] We're not doing all that. You know? That's what it was. It's a script. Right? And I think people adhere to the script because they can't see a better way. And they're not really willing to work through their pain. Right? And unfortunately, my son's father and I, for seven years, went through this script.

[00:25:34] And as much as I was adverse to the script, you can't get out of that loop if your co-parent is in it. Yeah. Right? And I think we've both grown tremendously. And also, that seven years put so much strain on our relationship as co-parents that it's still very hard to get on, you know, one accord. And now our son is 16. Right?

[00:26:01] And so, that script of like, you know, involving court systems and mandating, you know, all of those things that really don't build family, they take the structure away from love. Yeah. Right? And so, we have to just acknowledge that in this system, especially as people of color, there are systems that intervene to keep us from coming into our own parenting rights

[00:26:31] and rituals together. Yeah. Right? And so, in that system, when you and I met, my son's father and I had separated. I feel like your son was like three or four when we met. He was young. Yeah. He was young. Yeah. Yeah. He was one at the time we separated. Probably by the time we met, he was like two or three. Yeah. You're right. And then that cycle of me being an artist, right? So, I was a working artist. Yeah. Which means there's no maternity leave.

[00:27:01] Which means there's a, right? So, all the things that you have to kind of put together, right? So, there was the money that I had saved under the mattress, right? There was the insurance that I had, thank God. I had a job based on a part-time teaching job that I had at the college where I'm now a full professor, right? Right. Right. And all the things that kind of contributed to being able to sustain a life.

[00:27:28] And that life, just for everybody who, you know, hasn't, there's a devotional that I've written, a 30-day devotional called Steps and Stories. All the stories are in there. But for the people who don't know, that meant that I was living in a one-bedroom apartment, which, thank God, like, so, there's so many stories. There's so many ways that this puzzle comes together. And success and transformation are not linear.

[00:27:52] Only if you have a big vision can you understand the things that feel wrong that are coming together to make righteousness. Yeah. Right? So, you'll be talking so good. Go ahead. Years before that, in 08, I was engaged to who I thought was the love of my life. Okay. Right? And we, I say this in a piece that I performed, I was done three months before the I do, I declined. Right? I didn't. Because we weren't good. Because once before the I do, I didn't. Right, right.

[00:28:21] And so, we weren't going to, we were great at love, but we weren't going to be good at marriage. Mmm. We had a lot of growing to do to be good at marriage. Mm-hmm. I have one of those. Yeah. Years before my, my. Yeah. And we are very good friends. I mean, I consider him family. Yeah. His mother is coming to our wedding. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. So, right before that, I had been, we were saving for a wedding. Mm-hmm. And I, I'm going to say this publicly because I know I can't get in trouble. The statute of limitations has passed. Okay?

[00:28:51] Um, but I was going to graduate school at the time. And so, I took out the full graduate student loan package and used that money as a down payment on an apartment. Okay. Right? And then basically just had two mortgages, one at a very lesser interest rate. Right? Okay. Um, and so, I bought an apartment when we were supposed to be married. Right? And, but then we didn't get married. So, I had this apartment. Thank God. Yeah. Yeah. Right? Like, I owned something that when this other relationship fell apart, I had a roof over my head. Yeah.

[00:29:20] In a state where I don't have any family. Yeah. Right? And so, all these things coming together. Now, in that one bedroom apartment, by this time, I am renting out the bedroom in the back. Okay. To make ends meet. Yeah. And my son and I are living, working, having all of our time in the living room. Okay. Right? That living room becomes his bedroom, my bedroom, my office, the TV room, the playroom, everything. Right? And so, I'm making ends meet that way.

[00:29:47] And then, as God moves, I'm going back and forth to this part-time job that I have in Vermont. And by this time, Gabe is two or three. And the women who hired me are ready to retire. And so, they're like, do you want to stay? And I was like, okay. And God made it very clear. I got a $40,000 down payment grant to build a house. A house came up from the ground. I had no money.

[00:30:10] Like, people, like, you understand, like, people who have more belief in themselves would have let go of this a long time ago. Right? But I went nine months fasting, no meat, no coffee, no, like, the things I love. Yeah. You know? Like, people like, oh, you didn't eat? No, no. I ate. But I didn't eat the things I love. Right? Yeah. I gave away. And I was on my knees praying one day. And as soon as I got up, I got this phone call from the builders.

[00:30:38] And they were like, Crystal, we know you've been having trouble with the banks, you know, like, till you get these pay stubs from the next part of your job. I was like, yeah. You know, because banks don't like artists. They just, they can't understand. They're like artists, business owners, entrepreneurs. They just can't understand. Right. Yeah. I get it. They need a guarantee on their little money. I get it. I'm like, y'all see how I've been getting this money. Yeah. Like, can you see my bills? I pay my bills. I pay. I pay my bills. My bills are paid. Right. Like, um, so this whole time, um, so I get it. He's like, well, I don't know if you know about these down payment grants, but as an artist, I was like, well, I know about a grant.

[00:31:08] If you show me where it's at, I'll fill it out right now. And I looked at it and I read it and I was like, Ooh, I don't qualify, but I'm gonna fill it out anyway, Lord. And I filled it out. And a man named Terry McKnight called me from the office of where the grant comes from. And he said, Crystal, I just need to ask you some questions. Okay. And you, I want to make sure you're clear on the question before you answer. Okay. I feel like I know where this is going. Come on, black man. He won't even know. No, no, no.

[00:31:34] He had answered this and he, the tone in which he asked me the question made me understand. Yes. Yes, I am. Yes, I am. Right. And we weren't lying. He just answered the question the way you need to answer the question. And I got this $40,000 down payment grant to build this house, which then allowed the bank to consider me differently. And Terry McKnight died a year later. Wow. Right. So I'm just saying like people are waiting for the people they know, the things they know,

[00:32:04] the way it's supposed to happen to come into alignment. You don't know how it's going to happen. Wow. And you don't know who's being used for you. Right. And after that, I was like, okay, well, we live in Vermont. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Period. Amazing. Yeah. Amazing. And so from that welfare moment, you know, that like that piece of instability. Right. Grew this stability. Yeah. Right. But I had to be willing to leave New York. Mm hmm. I had to be willing to let things go.

[00:32:34] Mm hmm. And I had to be willing to. To be in solitude. Yeah. Right. Like this person you see would have never, in my opinion. Mm hmm. Well, it just would have been some other harder stakes probably. Right. Right. You're going to become who you're supposed to become regardless. Right. Bumps, bruises, whatever. Yeah. But this person that I'm continuing to become has had solitude. Yeah. Has stepped away. Yes.

[00:33:01] From the highest pinnacle of what people believe a career like mine should be. Mm hmm. And started a new track. Yeah. In a place where there was nothing to compare me to. Mm hmm. Not for the world to compare me to, but for me to compare me to. Mm hmm. Like I live in a place where my hair could be done or not. Ain't nobody, don't nobody know. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. You understand? I live in a place where I could be dressed or not. Don't nobody know. Yeah. Labels don't mean anything.

[00:33:28] You know, I had to really let all of that go and figure out who I was and who I am and who I'm becoming. Yeah. And that's, that's, that's the thing that most people aren't really willing to do. Mm hmm. Yeah. Right. Yeah. And much less if you do it or not, even just the act of being willing. Yeah. Changes the game. Yeah. Yeah. Let's talk about willingness a little bit. Oh my God. I think about a conversation we were having off camera. Uh huh.

[00:33:57] Um, about what it takes to find yourself in love later in life. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And how difficult that work is. How much solitude that takes. Yeah. Uh, I said to, to Crystal, uh, and I haven't ever said this on camera, but it is just a

[00:34:27] belief of mine. If your feelings get hurt, they get hurt. One of the reasons, one of the reasons I don't give a whole lot of advice. Yeah. You know, to like real, I'm talking about the real deal stuff. Mm hmm. To women is because a lot of women are not willing to do the work that I did on myself before I met that man. Yeah. For real, for real. For real, for real. They're not willing to, you know, I was talking to someone about something and they said, oh, what's the secret? I told them this is the secret and they started laughing, girl, I ain't doing that. I said, well then, I don't know. I don't know what that's what I did.

[00:34:56] And I think that, you know, there are a lot of situations like that. But on another note, there has to be a, when you are a strong self-possessed, a woman who knows herself, a woman who has lived, been through some things. Yeah. There also does have to be a willingness to do what I call share your intention. Yeah. I knew that my husband was the person for me because no man that I had ever met before

[00:35:21] him was able to make me even think about changing my mind on one single solitary idea I had for my life. It was just, well, this is where I see myself. And if you don't see yourself there, you ain't the one. And when I met him, I didn't necessarily change a whole bunch of stuff immediately, but I felt in my heart, okay, I'm willing to share my intentions with you. Yeah. And I'm willing to hear your intentions and see where they align.

[00:35:47] And I said, oh my goodness, I think I love someone more than myself. I think I love someone. Yeah. Similarly to the way I love myself. Yeah. So how did you, you know, you're engaged. Yes, I am. After that whole story you just talked about. Yes. And so look, I'm going to do like this for the camera, okay? Because people be like, oh my God, where's the ring? First of all, I haven't broke my engagement ring three times. Lord have mercy. I don't like, I mean, I'm not a, you're a dancer. You're a dancer. You might see me blinged out. I told my, I said, please don't buy me dance. You did it anyway.

[00:36:17] You know, so now I'm just wearing this little band. It'll be fine. It's all good. It's all good. So, you know, I just want people to be cliche. And she really, I'm just saying, you know, people like to look for communal signs. That is true. That is true. That is true. That is true. That is true. We live on our own planet. I know that's right. I like land. Come on, Vermont. So, you open yourself up emotionally, spiritually to love at this stage in your life. Yeah. What helped you to be willing to do that? My son. Really? Mm-hmm. Okay.

[00:36:47] Tell me more. So, I had said that I wasn't going to date until he got out of high school. Okay. But I was really clear about that. And people are like, you're crazy. You can't do it. I was like, I can do it. I mean, first of all, are you thinking about, you mean, like, I'm not disciplined enough to do it? Oh, yes, I am. Yeah. Yeah. So, that part was one. And honestly, like, everything I know, you know, everything you live through has a lesson. Mm-hmm. So, I've taught other people's children since I was 14.

[00:37:13] I have seen children be so devastated by divorce. Mm-hmm. I have seen young men who carry junior after their name be so disgusted. Right? I have seen children come to me and say, well, of course I could talk to you. My parents will never hear this from me. Right? So, all of that really made the decision for me of like, no, no, no. He's never going to think that he's not my priority. Mm-hmm.

[00:37:41] He's never going to think that this love that I have is somehow diluted and he only gets part of it. Yeah. He's never going to think that my life is not a part of his life. Right? My son has been traveling with me since he was two months old. Mm-hmm. He's seen eight countries. Wow. Right? So, he's been my priority. He's also been a great teacher for me about what love really looks like. Mm-hmm. Right?

[00:38:06] And so, my vision includes raising a self-sufficient, emotionally intelligent black man in America who does not give or receive harm. Mm-hmm. And that takes a lot of focus. Yes. Right? And so, I didn't want to dilute that focus by trying to, you know, love somebody else. I was like, I don't even know if I got that much in me. I mean, shout out to all the women who did it in the right order.

[00:38:32] But I don't know how y'all been out here with people, all these people in your house want to talk to you all day long. Okay? My fiance and my son, when they both home with me, I just be like, oh my God. You know, like, does everybody have a corner? Retreat. You know, sometimes it's too much for me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But he taught me how to, he's taught me how to give my fiance grace. Mm-hmm. Because I didn't know how to give men grace before. Mm-hmm. I did.

[00:39:01] I can relate. I didn't. And I think, you know, people would, I think men would think that I was being disrespectful. Yeah. And I wasn't saying I don't respect you. Mm-hmm. I was saying I don't understand you. Yeah. Really? That was it before. And so, I was single and abstinent for 13 and a half years. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Being clear about who this next person was going to be. Mm-hmm. And then I had this vision that my husband was someone who shared in my imagination that he,

[00:39:30] that our, that our imagination was a sacred exchange. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And my fiance, you know, I knew it was him one day when we were talking about something. He was like, yep. And then, and I was like, I wouldn't even, I mean, I was on my own planet.

[00:40:00] Right. I was talking about like what's about to happen. He was like, yeah. Yeah. And, and I was like, what? Yeah. Most people would be like, okay, so how's that going to work? Uh-huh. And I'd be like, how? We don't do how? We do what? Yes. Right. How? And how can, if it's a how, it better be how can I help? Right. Hello, somebody. What you mean? Right. Yes. So that's what clicked for me. Yeah. Because at first I was like, you know, we, we met 25 years ago. Mm-hmm. He's one of the first people I met. He, and let me, now this is going to be funny. I just thought about this.

[00:40:29] He's one of the first people I met when I flew to New York the day after college graduation to become a dancer. Wow. Right. He was at a theater where I was, where I was performing or working with a company and it's the same theater you and I used to go to church in. Wow. Yep. I just thought about that. I love that. Yep. I love that. So the whole time you and I in church, he backstage. Wow. Right. You understand that? I love that. This is for years, y'all. Yeah. Yeah. So like, and I ain't seen, don't see him, you know, all these things. Right.

[00:40:59] So when we reconnected about a year ago, I was, I had this thing where like, you know, I moved away from New York. So when I come to New York, I'll just pick somebody who I haven't seen. Hey, you want to have lunch? He was like, yeah, I want to have lunch. So we went to lunch for like four or five hours. And then I left and I was like, okay. And then I was like, huh, it was interesting. Like I really didn't think nothing about it. Yeah. You know? And then he was like, so you still going to be here this week? You want to eat? And I was like, sure. No, I came back over, went to eat. And then next day he was like, so how do I get to Vermont?

[00:41:30] And I was like, what? I literally was like, what's wrong with Vermont? It wasn't Vermont. I was like, what is your, I literally, it was like this. You know what I mean? Like I was missing it. I was missing it. And then we talked every day since then. I love it. Yeah. Yeah. So I think my son taught me willingness in a way to be willing to love people where they are. Because again, in this vision of this partner, this husband that I had for myself, the vision also says that he refines my mind, body, heart, spirit, and soul.

[00:41:58] And when I thought that, I thought he was so far beyond me. Me too. Crystal. I thought, oh my God, he's going to swoop in. He's going to lead me all these things. You know, he's going to take my hand and we're going to do this and we're praying at 3.30. You know, like you have these things in your mind. Like, yes. Because also the church, and I don't mean a specific church, a church at large, teaches

[00:42:23] strong spiritual women that you can only be led by a man who presents. As stronger and wiser. As stronger than you. Half the time, the men who present that way, and I know this to be true because I know that. Yeah. Love you all. Amen. Love you all. Present all strong. Whoop-de-doo and da-da-da-da. Financially irresponsible. Present all strong and do-whoop-de-da-da, lose it and have no emotional control. No emotional stability.

[00:42:53] Stability. And again, I thought the same thing. I'm like, you know, present a certain way. Right, right. But are indeed, not all. Not all, yeah. But are indeed have a hard time actually leading their households spiritually and otherwise. Because leadership and control are not the same thing. Now give us, give it to us. Right, because men are taught that control is leadership. Yes. And that's not true. Yeah. Right.

[00:43:20] Leadership is alignment for the greater good of everybody involved. Being willing to take whatever position. You know, I got to do it because the Knicks are doing their thing right now. And when I think about Jalen Brunson. Jalen Brunson reminds me of my husband. Okay. And I, you know, not to make everything about my man, my man, my man. It's your man. You're a man. He reminds me of my husband in a sense that he is a leader where leadership is needed. Right. At any given time.

[00:43:49] Other day they weren't throwing him the ball. Homeboy had mad assists. I don't want to get the number wrong. Yeah. But mad assists. And they got the W. Right. And it's so funny because there's this saying going around right now that everybody's better than Jalen Brunson until it's time to be better than Jalen Brunson. Right? Like, when you go back and look at the sports talk a year or two years ago, it was like, Jalen Brunson, they're paying them all the money for Jalen. Who's Jalen Brunson? This person is better. Someone said he's not even top 10. He might be top 20 point guards. He's not even top 10.

[00:44:16] All the people who are supposed to be better than Jalen Brunson. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Getting swept. Right. Because he is a selfless leader. Yes. Who does not make things about his ego, his status, his stature. He's shorter than people think he should be. He's not as fast as people think he should be whatever, whatever. The perception. There's a perception of who I was supposed to end up with. Correct. There was a perception of the type of man I was supposed to end up with.

[00:44:43] And when I tell you right now, if there was cameras in this house, the level of life that I'm living, those men I know for sure would not have been able to give it to me. Right. And I really do see the beauty in being able to recognize what leadership looks like, even if it doesn't look like what you were taught it was supposed to look like. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:45:12] And it's what we were taught and it's what we lived through. Yeah. Right? There's only a certain amount, there's only a certain spectrum. Yeah. Of manhood that I was privy to growing up. Mm-hmm. Right? And much of that spectrum was wounded. Yeah. It was wounded. It was addicted. It was angry. It was irresponsible. Or then it was the opposite extreme. Like, it was savior. It was right.

[00:45:41] So, being able to see my fiance as something between these archetypes. Yes. Right? Yes. Is the work. Yes. And I wouldn't have been able to do that had I not been able to see my son from the beginning. That's incredible. You know, and I think a lot of people, they don't understand, and I'm not dismissing anybody's

[00:46:09] intelligence, but I don't think people understand how much our children teach us. Mm-hmm. Because we're trying to teach them so much. Mm-hmm. That we stop listening. Right? To watch me be curious when my child is out of alignment rather than condemning. Yeah. Or correcting. Or correcting. Yeah. Right? That is probably the thing that's going to keep my marriage intact. Mm-hmm. Right? Because a lot of times, I'm curious about why my, baby, why?

[00:46:39] Yeah. Yeah. Help me understand. Help me. I literally say help me understand. Help me understand. Right now. Yeah. And I need you to help me understand why you would say that. Do that. You know. Why you did that in that order. Just do that thing first. And then do something. Yes. Yes. Correct. Right? Help me understand. Yes. And the emotional space. Yeah. Now, you know, my husband, for those of you who don't know, like, we're both Scorpios. Okay. Our birthdays are four days apart. Okay. We're very deep feelers. Okay. Very emotional. When is that?

[00:47:09] November. November. November 10th and 14th. Right? So, we are very deep feelers. And I, because I'm someone's mother. Right? And have been, and have a pretty kind of public life. Have had to regulate my emotions in different ways. Okay. Right? Yep. He's, you know, basically been, he's been in some relationships. But, like, he's been. He's a man. He's a man. Society does not hold him to the standard of self-regulation that we are held to. Right. Correct. And so, a lot of times, we find ourselves in this emotional seesaw. Yeah.

[00:47:39] Together. Because we're both so much alike. Yeah. And to the point where we have to say, well, at least I say, I mean, we're getting to the place where we, like, have to, like, create the structure of how we're going to argue. Yeah. How we disagree. How we disagree. How we disagree. Right? Like, how are we going to, like, get through this? Because, you know, I'm going to be, I need to know that for the next 10 minutes, I get to be the one to be mad. Mm-hmm. And I'm just. I call it spiraling out loud. It's too loud. I need to spiral out loud. Let me do this. I will not disrespect you. No. I will not yell at you. We're not going to cuss.

[00:48:09] No slamming doors. No, no. But I might say the same thing seven different ways. Okay. And you need to listen. Right? Right? And when I say it, I'm going to be crying. You know? Definitely crying. And it's okay. Because this is just spiritual hygiene. I got to get it out. Yes. Right? Because the old, one of hers back there, one of the old ones back there that hides in the corner and cries. She want to walk out. She want to walk out. She want to walk out. She want to walk out. She want to walk out. And. The other one want to fight you. Oh.

[00:48:38] The other one want to call her best friend and tell everything and gossip about you. Yeah. So be happy that this one is showing up. That I'm telling you. Right? Be happy that this is between me and you. Yes. And the fact that I'm actually telling you is already a vulnerable place for me. Correct. Because I want to shut down. Right. But I think, and I said this to him, I said, baby, I think that you think sometimes that I'm just like this.

[00:49:07] It take a lot of work. Be like this. For me to be like this. Girl, you don't even know. I'm like, we are so similar. Listening and. Yes. Would you like something to eat? Yes. Yes. What? Yes. It's like a lot of work. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And that will it, but it's the willingness to do the work. Yes. And we're, we're at all the characteristics that we share. One of the other things that we share is that we're very committed people. Yes.

[00:49:37] Right. We're committed and we're loyal. Like if we say we're going to do something, we're going to do it. Yes. Right. So we're going to do this thing. We're going to do life together. And it ain't going to be easy. Yeah. But we've committed to do it. Yeah. Right. And to the point where like we have kind of two separate ceremonies. One in the States and one in the out of the country. I love it. And the first one is the I do. And the second one is the I will. Right. Because duty is different than daily decisions.

[00:50:06] You're so good at this. You know what I mean? I do. And at first he was like, babe, why, why, why? And I was like, because this is have to. Yeah. This is want to. Yeah. That's good. Girl. So good. So good. So I talked about abstaining for 13 years. You know, my story was one of virginity until I was 35 years old. Until I married my husband. Didn't always know if I was going to make it to that promised land. But we made it. We made it.

[00:50:36] Look at God. And I spoke in depth about that a couple episodes ago. So y'all go watch that. Also my episode with Sarah on her podcast. Go ahead and watch that. Really, really good. But I like to speak to women who are in that area, in that space, in that place. Because I think it doesn't get spoken about enough. The actual real struggles. You know, what it actually takes to abstain. Oh, yeah.

[00:51:03] What it actually takes to be in a space where you are single and you are actually single. Yeah. Not single with a person in your bed. Right. Single with a person on your roster. Single with three, four, five guys taking you out. Single with, hey, beautiful, good morning texts. Single with a drawer full of toys. Single with all of that. Right. You know what I mean? Well, I didn't have the toys. But I know women. Yes. Yes. No, of course. I mean, we just want to be. We're going to make it plain. We're going to make it plain. Right? Like, yeah. Yeah.

[00:51:31] Single and trying to figure it out. Yeah. You know, what do you feel like was your guiding light? North Star? How did you, besides your son? Because I know that that was part of it. Yeah, that was important to me. Yeah. But, you know, what was it internally? How'd you get that strength? Internally. And, okay, so one, let's just be clear, right? Like, your pathway is so different because you didn't know. Exactly. Right? So let's just be clear. Yes. It's different. Yes.

[00:51:59] It's like somebody, you know, giving up their favorite food. Yeah. Right? For a lot of people. If you never had it. Yeah. Right. So for me, it was my son. Yeah. Right? And two, it was, I needed to know that I loved me. Mm. Like, at the end of the day, what we forget about women is that we are relational creatures, like everybody. Yep. But our relationships are often about serving.

[00:52:29] Mm-hmm. Even before we know we're serving. Yeah. Right? And so that kind of way that we get people's attention or we keep someone's attention based on if they need us or not. Yeah. Right? Is a lot of what many women's sexual appetite is built on. Mm-hmm. A lot of women don't, are not fully erotic sexual creatures on their own. Yeah. Right? It's not a desire that pops up in you that you like, oh my God, I got, you know, we're not like men. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:52:59] We desire companionship. Intimacy. We desire intimacy. Yeah. We desire to be seen in a way that feels like all of us is welcome. Mm. And for many of us, we don't get that, but what we do get is sex. Yeah. And for, you know, 15 minutes, we feel like we're the apple of his eye. Right? And so I think when you grow up, especially, and this is another reason that I think, you

[00:53:28] know, it's so important to talk to our children because no one explained sex and love to us, to me and where I come from. Right? It was just like, don't do it. Yeah. And don't get pregnant. And it was a lot of don't. Yeah. But there was not a lot of talk about what the desire might feel like. Yeah. What the desire could lead to. What it actually meant. What it meant. Yeah. Right. And if you were satisfying a craving or you were really finding companionship. And that was just not something that was talked about.

[00:53:58] You know, I talked to my son about it. I'm like, you could either eat McDonald's or you could go to the grocery store. Yeah. You could see an amazing recipe. You could take the time to peel the vegetables. You could do all the things and feel nourished. Or you could eat this and you poop in five minutes. Now you're still hungry. Yeah. Right? So that's how we talk about sex and love and like what you do. Yeah. Because for me, the 13 and a half years of abstinence was about clearing my palate. Yeah. Mm.

[00:54:26] It was about understanding what type of intimate relationship I wanted to be in. Yeah. And it was about loving myself enough to only offer access to me, to people who I felt, you know, worthy. Yeah. Or, you know, even like just even worthy of my own desire. Mm-hmm. Right?

[00:54:56] Not because, oh, you want me. Yeah. Right? Do I want you? Right. Yeah. I tell single women this all the time. Do you even like him? Right. You're so worried about if he likes you, if he loves you, if he, how can you make a man stay? Do you even like him? Right. Right. Period. Yes. Yes. Yeah. And if there was someone, if you have four other options, would you even be this worried about him? Or is it because he's the only one that's sticking around? Right. You know? Yeah. It's real. So, yes. It's real. And, you know, I'm joking about the toys because I think a lot of people are like, oh,

[00:55:25] well, girl, you must have had a... Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I didn't. Yeah. Like, I really prayed. I was like, God, just take the whole desire away. Yeah. Yeah. Like, and so I didn't... There was not this like, oh, masturbation. There was no self-care, masturbation. Yeah. Virtual. I won't light no candles. You know? Shout out to the people who... I'm not... I'm just saying for me, I was not in a place where I wanted to stoke the ember of something that was not going to turn into a flame. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Because once it's on fire, it's on fire. Right. And then we out there.

[00:55:55] It's out the box. We gone. Right. And so I just wanted to be clear with myself. Yeah. I love that. Like, what is it that we consider intimacy? Mm-hmm. Right? What is it that brings about desire? Mm-hmm. And I literally did not have a desire until... Right? And I was like... And I remember one day, I was just like, I was riding in the car and I was like, oh, he's cute. And I was like, wait a minute. Where did that come from? I like somebody.

[00:56:24] Like, I just looked at him and I was like, wait a minute. Oh. Like, I started seeing men. Yeah. Right. But it was also after my son had gone away to boarding school. Mm-hmm. Right? So I could tell where the space was opening in me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. To even be available to a relationship like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. I think it's important that women, whatever your path is, because some people are abstinent for like a spiritual reason. Yeah. And they're like, unto the Lord. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Yeah. I think I was 14 when I became a Christian. And I was like, I'm just going to do this unto the Lord.

[00:56:53] And then by the time when I really was like, bump this, this is stupid. I was too old. Truly. And I had too much self-respect. Yes. Because when I was like, man, I don't even care no more. And I actually talked about this last episode. So go back and listen to it, y'all. If y'all haven't. But by the time I was like, I'm just going to sleep with the next man. Yeah. And I don't care no more because I'm tired of being a virgin. Yeah. I had a moment like that when I was 29. And one of my closest friends at the time was like, you're going to hate yourself if you do that. You respect yourself too much at this point. If you were going to do that, you should have did it when we was young. Yeah.

[00:57:21] When you could wake up the next morning and say, that was stupid, but oh well. Yeah. She was like, now? Yeah. You know too much. You know too much. You don't like these ninjas like that. I mean. Because they ain't got no freaking sense. Right. This is why you won't even date one consistently. So you're just going to give me a bite. She was like, you're not going to. And I was like, yeah, you're right, girl. And then when I met my husband, I was so glad I waited. Because I'm like, because you deserve. You deserve to be here. You treat me like I treat myself. You treat me with respect. We good. We locked in.

[00:57:48] And I think that there's so much beauty. Yeah. And for me, what is knowing and understanding that you have made a decision. Yes. Not a decision was made for you. Right. Right. And it's power. Yeah. Right. Like, and when you're young, and this is for the young girls. Okay. Like, if you're not even supposed to be watching this, if you're like 10, 15. You know, I teach college, right?

[00:58:17] So I'm real grimy with my kids. Like, I tell them the real deal. I was 16 when I lost my virginity. Right. And it was because I scheduled it. Because I was like, I need to know. Here's what's going to happen. You know? It wasn't just me. It was like a group of us were like, okay, we're going to do it. Yeah. Because we need to know. Yeah. Because this is it. Right? I didn't like that dude. Yeah. Like, he was nothing. We weren't dating. I was just like, boom, boom, boom. Six o'clock. I need to know. Yeah.

[00:58:42] Don't let your desire for knowing keep you from knowing and being known by the person who you are sharing yourself with. Right? And I just, again, like, I really wish people, women, had had a better understanding of how to talk to a young person like me. Because I'm very inquisitive. Right? When you got a smart kid. You're curious. You're curious. Right?

[00:59:08] I'm literally, like, astrologically, I'm born on the day of the investigator. Mm-hmm. Right? So you can't have a kid like me and say something like, don't do it. Yeah. Well, you want to tell me? I need some more information. Yeah. Right? And this is before the internet. Yeah. So more like I could Google. Right, right. Right? I had to go figure it out. Yeah. More like your parents could Google. Right? Yeah. They only knew what they knew. Exactly. Right? And so I just want to say, you know, being known not by the world, but first by yourself. Yeah.

[00:59:37] And then by the people you deem worthy of your authentic self. Yeah. That's the pathway to real intimacy. Yes. Right? And that's outside of sex. Outside of sex. Yeah. You got to, you know, you got some extra energy. Go to the gym. Mm-hmm. You know, like, write it down. Like, be clear about who you are. Yeah. And don't settle for comfort. Like, momentary comfort. And like these kind of whimsical, these, I don't even, because I think whimsical is too strong of a word. Whimsical is a beautiful word.

[01:00:04] Like, my, my fiance and I's relationship is based on the foundation of whimsical stability. Thank you. Right? Like, you want to be whimsical, but you don't want to be dangerous. Yes. Right? And again, for those of you who don't know who haven't read the book, I also had a termination when I was 19. Right? And so I, all of these things, I'm not saying them because like, it's the right thing to do. I've lived into righteousness in a different way. Right? That allows me to have authentic power. Yeah.

[01:00:34] Not relational power of, I have something that you want, so you have to like me to get it. Yes. Like that transaction. I'm not into that anymore. Right? Yeah. So really just finding like the real authentic power of self. Yeah. Right? Will keep you out of those, you know. Yeah. Situational loops. I love it. And I also think it's really important emotionally because sometimes people think, oh, well, because I'm not having sex with the person, I'm good. Right? Especially church girls. Let me talk to y'all. Let me talk to us. Right? Tell it.

[01:01:02] Like you need to emotionally keep yourself from being known by someone who don't need to know you certain ways. Yeah. Because you could be manipulated. Yes. Because you could be manipulated because you can waste time, energy. I wasted years on a person that I should have met and kept pushing. Uh-huh. Because emotionally I made myself believe that this person could become something.

[01:01:28] And when I look back on that whole time, I'm like, this person was never even worth- And it's no shade to them. God bless them. No shade. But they weren't worth your path. They weren't worth the energy I put into them because I was looking for intimacy. Uh-huh. I was looking for intimacy. And a lot of times as women, the beauty of withholding some of yourself for yourself,

[01:01:54] knowing yourself, whether that be sexually, emotionally, is that you get to really sit with, do I actually like this person? Does this person actually like me? Uh-huh. Because when a person can't get in your pants and get in your heart easily and then they stick around, you know they actually like you. Yeah. I know for a fact that my husband just likes me as a person. As a person, right. He just likes me as a person. Yeah. Yeah. Because it wasn't easy to get in here and he waited till marriage to get in there.

[01:02:21] So I have no doubt in my mind that he actually thinks I'm funny. He actually thinks I'm cool. Right. He actually thinks I'm fly. Right. Because he didn't have any many other reasons to stick around. Yeah. No, I know. And so I think it's so helpful, especially for young women. Uh-huh. Right? Yeah. Because a lot of those foundational heartbreaks that start to shape the next 10 or 15 years of relationships in your life could be avoided if you just withheld some. Yeah. And for women- I didn't mean to go there, but go ahead. No. And you know, I'm 47. Right? I'll be 48 this year.

[01:02:52] For the women, you know, who are usually my clients, right? The women who have achieved so much success and then they realize, well, wait, who am I? Don't hold yourself to such a false high standard that you're not willing to love the love that shows up. Ooh. That's, I think, the other part. Right? Because we barricade. You can barricade yourself in your own success. Yes. You can barricade yourself in your own success and you could call it boundaries.

[01:03:22] But a lot of times you're building- Yeah. But you're building a barricade. You know? There's differences here. Yeah. There's boundaries. There's borders. There's barricades. That's good. Right? And you got to be really clear. A boundary is something that I put up until I understand we're on the right level. Right? A border is something that we both cross. You know, we have access to each other. But a barricade is what most of us put up when we haven't understood our own relational capacity.

[01:03:51] And the things that we know have been things of pain and hurt and trauma. So we barricade ourselves off from it. Right? We see one characteristic of something that we think hurt us in the past. Barricade. Yeah. Right? But really, the relationship could be the refining tool to dismantle the barricade and turn into a border. Right? And give you access to a different part of you that you haven't seen in a while. Right?

[01:04:18] And then give a new person access to you who could actually help you heal. Yeah. Right? Because healing is not a singular act. It's cyclical. It's cyclical. And you don't get to do it your way. Don't I know it. I mean, you don't get to heal your way. You have to heal the way it's provided. And trying to rush it or take control of it really deepens the trauma. Because your way is how you got there. Correct. How about somebody?

[01:04:48] Yes. So you don't get to heal your way. You don't get to heal your way. Oh, that's good. Okay, listen. You guys can hear that the coaching, the... I would almost call it therapy, but you ain't licensed that way, so I ain't gonna put that on you. I'm not licensed that way. But come on, Cheyenne. Oh, Lord, have mercy. But the coaching is there. The wisdom is there. Yeah. You offer services. You offer community. Yeah. Right? Yeah.

[01:05:18] Tell the people how, one, how you got started on that path. What made you call yourself the vision coach? And then what you love about what you do in this space. So one, you know, you have to listen. You know, we often miss, we hear so many gurus these days talk about how you hear intuition. Right? But intuition is in here. It's not out there. Right? And the only way you hear that is to be quiet.

[01:05:44] And once you know intuition, you can hear messages from the outside. So I was super clear about knowing that my deep gift is teaching. I was also clear that knowing that my gift as a performer was about heart to heart connection. And I knew that I love words. Right? So all those things had to like, you know, they just kept floating by. And my students at the time in an entrepreneur program that I was teaching started being like, oh my God, Crystal, you're my coach.

[01:06:13] It's like, you're my life coach. And now entrepreneurship is interesting because it's very, very close to artistry. But I think that the main difference is that entrepreneurs fulfill a need and artists illuminate needs. Right? Artists give voice and vision to things that people are thinking about that they need to learn. Entrepreneurs offer solutions to things that people see a gap in. Right?

[01:06:41] And so when I started thinking about it, I was like, oh, well, see, life coaching is such a entrepreneurial way of talking about gaps in our society. Right? Because now people need coaches for life. Yeah. Right? What that really means is we've stopped teaching each other. It means that when I was ear hustling in a hair salon, that don't happen anymore. Right? It means nobody is sitting you down and saying, let me talk to you, young person. Yeah. Right? That's what that means.

[01:07:09] So we started skipping over this. And what I realized with my students, my college age students at the time, is that they were so afraid to ask questions because they thought they were already supposed to know. Because they have so much information. Right? I was talking to Alzo Slate about this a few months ago about this infodemic that we're in. Right? So we're in an infodemic. And the pandemic exacerbated the infodemic, which then gave people access and time to a bunch of information that they were recapitulating into packages for people to learn. Yes.

[01:07:39] Which, this is not new information. Yeah. Crystal is not a guru. I'm well studied. I'm well practiced. And I'm a great teacher. Yeah. Which makes me a little bit different than your average coach. Because a lot of coaches can tell, but they can't teach. Yeah. And so when my students started saying this, I was like, guys, I'm not going to be a life coach. Like, okay, that's weird. Yeah. Like, that sounds like, you know, 1995. Let me fix your life. You know? Yeah. Fill out these worksheets. I was like, it just doesn't feel like it's me. They're like, but you do it, Crystal.

[01:08:09] I was like, okay, I hear you. Then my colleagues started saying it. And then I took my son and my nephew to camp one summer in Maine. And I rented a little Airbnb tiny house. And I said, Lord, if this is what you want me to do, I want you to lead me right now to this thing with a cook stove and Wi-Fi. Just me out in the woods. And I found this woman. Her name was Mary Morrissey. And she sounded like what I knew in here. She was a teacher. She had been married.

[01:08:38] She had filed for bankruptcy. She had been a pastor. And she had gotten pregnant at 15 in the 50s. And she was a white woman. And you don't hear those stories. She had to go to night school because they hid her away. And I was like, ooh. And then she became a teacher. And so I was like, oh, I can learn from you. I trust you. Right? So I went and I studied with her. And that's how I got the kind of certification.

[01:09:05] But I realized in that program that what she was doing, what she was doing that I hadn't done was written down all the lessons I'd learned over the years. Hmm. Right? And then what she did was she put the spiritual principle beside it. And then she put the life work beside it. I was like, oh, okay. Well, this is all of my parts. Yeah. You know, like I can teach. I can, you know, I can, I can. I'm a synthesis thinker. I can pull. I don't.

[01:09:34] I mean, hallelujah. And if you, inshallah, if you like, I bobo. Whatever you need, I can hear you. I've been all over the world. I know God has voices for different people at different times. Right? So I'm not, I'm not particular about how you hear it. I'm particular about what you do with it. Yeah. And so then I began to be like, oh, well, you know, what's really important here is that people have a vision, not that you have a life. Mm-hmm.

[01:10:03] And I actually don't believe you have a life until you have a vision. Because otherwise you're just following somebody else's structure, trying to figure out if you can succeed in their game. Yeah. Right? And so I said, well, that's who I am. Like, I'm the vision coach. We got to start from the beginning. Yeah. We got to write the vision. We got to make it plain. Yeah. And that became how we grew into Coach Crystal. Right? And then I had some coaches that worked with me alongside. And shout out to my coaches, Marquell, Andre, who really became my brothers along this path.

[01:10:33] And could, you know, I have a brother, a biological brother who has been amazing, but he has struggled in his own ways that has kept him from being the big brother. And thank God he's back. Amen. But these two guys would say things to me like, Crystal, what you waiting on? Or like, you like one of the top five speakers in the country. And I was like, no. And they were like, I was like, you like me. Okay. You're my friend. They're like, no, no, no. It's true. I'd be all over the world. I hear these people. You top five. And I'm like, no, no, no.

[01:11:01] And so it took me again, right? Like readjusting my perspective of the archetypes of men that had been in my life to be able to hear them and say, well, you know, I would say things like, well, you know, it was really people are probably going to only talk to me because they know Crystal the dancer. And Mark Crow looked at me straight in my face when they said, Crystal, I don't know if you know, but I ain't never seen you dance. Right. And that in itself just like blew my mind that the value system that I had been ascribing

[01:11:30] to my gift for so long didn't matter anymore. It didn't matter to everyone you thought it would. Right. And this is where, this is me with music. Correct. And still had impact. Yes. Right. And so I just, I often tell my clients that the thing you love is in there. There's a seed of the thing that you love that you're already doing that is going to push the vision forward. Yeah. But the resistance towards accepting that is going to keep you stuck. I love that. Right.

[01:11:59] And so we start with the vision. You can't, I mean, people love to be like, oh, can I get in your mastermind? Can I get to the top level? You can't pay to get there. I have swag that I won't give you until you've been to all three levels. Right. So we have an open community now, which is a subscription community. And I think it's important. Right. Because I did start off my career in coaching at what people would call high ticket. Okay. Right. Where it was like five figures to get into a group. Right.

[01:12:29] And I think it's important to do that because there are some people who won't do the work unless they pay. Unless they pay. Yes. Right. That is true. Like they have ascribed the amount of money to the amount of energy they're going to give their transformation. Yes. Right. And that's just who they are. Great. Fine. Usually entrepreneurs. Usually. People who want to quit. They want to get it done. They want to go hard. Right. And that's fine. We still have those programs. And right now in this last year, what I've realized is that people need fundamentals.

[01:12:58] Fundamentals don't change. Yeah. No matter what your vision is. So we have a community called the Vision Circle, which meets every Tuesday, every first Tuesday of the month at 7 p.m. where I teach live. This is not log into a portal, go through some videos of me 18 years ago. This is me right here live with you every Tuesday. You know what I mean? Every first Tuesday of the month in the Vision Circle. So I teach there live. People have access to materials that they can do on their own during the interim. And you get to be in a community of people who are different than you because no one grows

[01:13:28] alone. And as much as we love to try to be in the community with other like-minded, like-looking, all we're doing sometimes is reinforcing old narratives. And if you're going to write a new story for your future self, you need to make sure that future self can exist in the future. And the future might look different than you just sitting around with some people who look like you. Yeah. Yeah. Just saying. Right? It might. Who knows? Right? People who- Or even people who do the same thing as you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[01:13:57] There are people who are like, oh, I want to be in an executive women group. Why? Yeah. So you can say the same- Y'all say the same thing to each other? Well, people think they're networking up, but that's not how that works. No, no. Right? And one of my dear mentors, Liz Lerman, talks about hiking the horizontal. Yeah. Right? And you have to build around you. Yeah. That net has to be a network. Yes. That can catch you. Yeah. Right? Even when all the other things are shifting and changing. You have to be doing this. The Tao Te Ching is so beautiful.

[01:14:23] It says, whether you go up the ladder or down it, your position is still shaky. Mm-hmm. Right? But there is no shakiness when you're connecting arm and arm, side to side. Right? You have to build that terrain that you can traverse together. So we love bringing people into the vision circle. I think it's a great first step. You know, once they're in there for a couple months and they want to level up, great. Level up. But also, you know this, there's a lot of church hurt out there. Yeah. And there's a lot of coach hurt. Yes. Because people got roped into- Yes.

[01:14:53] Build a business. Be an author. Live your best life. Speak. Speak. Right? Yeah. Yeah. You can be a speaker. Yes. Start vending machines. I mean, literally, there's a coach for every type of thing out there. And people got caught up in that because it felt like it was going to give them momentum to the next level. But without a vision of what your next level actually is, all of that's noise. Yeah. It's noise. Yeah. It's tactics before the tactics that end in defeat. Right? A bunch of tactics, no strategy. Yeah. Right?

[01:15:23] You don't go to war like that. Yeah. Right? And so you got to be clear on the vision. So I tell people, you're going to have other coaches after me. I'm not going to be with you for the rest of your life, but I'm your best first step. And I promise you that. That's good. I promise you that. Yeah. That's why we're called Steps and Stages. I am your best first step. Yeah. Because not only are you going to leave here with a clear vision, you're going to leave here knowing what you can and are willing to do next to get there. So. I love that. That's the work.

[01:15:52] And I love it because I see people change. I mean, I get to watch transformation. You get to have a first row seat. That's what I tell people about ministry. I've been in ministry most of my adult life. And what I love about it is that you really do get a front row. So you get to see somebody walking to, whether it be a church, whether it be an event, whatever, for the first time, potentially broken, potentially curious, whatever they may be. And you literally get to see them, not you. Because that's the mistake leaders make.

[01:16:19] You get to see them have an encounter with him that changes their life. Exactly. And you just get to be there to help. Yes. If you're doing it right. Yes. And so I love that for you as a coach. I have a question that I end the show with. But before I get to that question, tell the people very specifically where they can find you. I know you do your LinkedIn. You got your Instagram, your TikTok. Let the people know where to find you. Coach Crystal on LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram. Crystal with a C-H. Oh, C-H-R-I-S-T-A-L.

[01:16:48] And if all that fails, thevisionzone.com. Yes, love it. Love it. Love it. I want the people to know where to find you. Listen, guys, you should not need any more convincing than what you've just heard over the last hour or so. But this is a woman who you can trust. Yeah. I love that you said people can't even pay to get into the highest level because I've been to some places in advance and I'm like, this is very grifty. Yeah. And I am a person with means. And I say that in all humility. No. Yeah. But the fact that you're willing to take this money from anybody, you're willing to let somebody

[01:17:16] come over here with their credit card and give you $35,000. Don't know how they got it. Don't know if their business is even grossing that in a year or two or three years and you just going to promise that. I was like, okay, this is kind of crazy. You know? And so I appreciate the integrity with which you present what God has given you. I love that you have a tier that is open to subscription. Oh yeah. And if all else fails, you're going to get the nuggets of wisdom on podcasts like this and all over her social media.

[01:17:45] So please, please, please tap in. I'd like to end the show with this question. And the question is this. In the grand scheme of things, what do you want your legacy to be? A legacy of love. Yeah. Like real love. Speak the truth in love, act in love, give in love, receive in love. I want my legacy to be one that when people think about Crystal, they light up.

[01:18:12] Because something about them feels like they were a part of it too. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's in the grand scheme of things. When I leave this plane, you know, I want to be remembered, but I also want to be felt. Yeah. You know, memories are one thing, but like to keep things going for people to say, you know, I do this because Crystal taught me how to do this. You know, like I do this because my mom did it or like, you know, I don't even know why I'm doing this, but I think like it's just, you know, I love it, you know, for me to be

[01:18:39] able to plant seeds of love in people's lives and for that to continue to grow. Yeah. Yeah. Good. That's good. Well, you're well on your way. Hey, thanks friend. Well on your way. Thanks for having me. Thanks so much for being here. No, my pleasure. Well, thanks so much for watching. This has been another episode of I'll Just Let Myself, I'm With Your Girl Lish Speaks. If you have listened on SiriusXM, Channel 140 and Holy Culture Radio on Monday night, 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, we thank you for listening there. If you're watching on their YouTube, we thank you so much for watching there.

[01:19:08] If you are watching on my YouTube, Lish Speaks, thank you so much for being here and please make sure that you subscribe. Now you guys know the analytics do come to me and it says about 50% of you who watch regularly are not subscribed. I'm going to charge it to your head and not your heart. Maybe I'm coming up on recommendations. Maybe I just come up on continue watching and you don't even know that you're not subscribed. I want you to take this moment to check. Make sure that you're subscribed so that you don't miss any of the other content that I post.

[01:19:38] I also want to encourage you, go ahead and leave a comment. Make sure that you let other people know what you love about this podcast. Send it to someone who you think it will help or benefit because at this podcast, we do not wait for an imaginary permission slip or a seat at an imaginary table. We walk through our God-given doors. I hope you enjoy this one and I hope to see you back next week. Same time, same place. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace.