1020. IJLMI Into: Outgrow

[00:00:00] I think that there's a middle ground that we are missing when it comes to outgrowing places and spaces. That scripture that talks about, you know, when I was a child, I thought like a child, I talked like a child, I reasoned like a child. Ask yourself if you feel like you have outgrown a person or a group of people, if you have outgrown a place, a church, a job, a group of entrepreneurs that you work with,

[00:00:27] if you've outgrown a stage in your life, ask yourself, is there any part of how I am handling this situation childish? Am I reasoning like a child? Am I talking about it or to people like a child? Am I thinking like a child? Or is there maturity to the way that I'm handling this situation?

[00:00:50] What's up everybody, it's your girl Lish Speaks and welcome back to another episode of I'll Just Let Myself In, the podcast where we don't wait for an imaginary permission slip or some seat at an imaginary table.

[00:01:18] We let ourselves into our God given doors. And today I got another solo episode for you. We're going to be talking about something that I think is very prevalent and important in these days and times. And that is the idea of outgrowing people and places. But before we get into that, you know, we got a segment here called What I'm Stepping In. And it's where I tell you what sneakers I have on for the day.

[00:01:44] And today I am wearing a sneaker that I'm absolutely obsessed with right now. It's by the brand Solomon. It's their S-Lab XT6 sneaker. And I actually purchased the sneaker at an outlet in Italy. I was in Italy in January and went to the outlets, did a bunch of shopping. And I saw that they had a Solomon store and I was like, we got to go in there. So I copped these sneakers. I love this colorway. It's tan, lavender and like a peach pink.

[00:02:13] And it's just cute. It's sweet. I love this about the Solomons that they have this strip, some of them at least, have this strip in the middle that is red, blue and yellow. And it doesn't go with the sneaker at all, but it's like their signature thing. And so I really just enjoy this shoe. It is super comfortable. Never thought that I would have a shoe that like had like a drawstring in the middle and not laces and like it. But I think they're really dope. And they're all the rage all around New York City. If you walk around New York City, you're going to see a lot of Solomon.

[00:02:41] So I really enjoy the sneaker. It's cute. It's comfy. And you know what I say here. If you like them, go get you some. So on today's episode, we're going to be talking about the idea of outgrowing people in places. And this may not be going where you think it's going. I think we live in a time and space where people have made their whole personalities about outgrowing people and not being who they used to be and, you know, walking away from people and going no contact and all that stuff.

[00:03:10] And I am all those things have their merit. But I want to talk about a part of outgrowing people in places that I think is overlooked. And that is outgrowing people in places gracefully. I think that there is room for us to grow in how we outgrow. And so in this episode, I'm going to be talking about some personal ways that I've outgrown places and spaces

[00:03:38] and just things that I see, trends that I see within our generation on how we treat the people in places that we've quote unquote outgrown and how I think, you know, we can do that a little bit better. This weekend, I was with a bunch of people, some of which I haven't seen in years. I was at a wedding. And it was such a pleasant experience. I got to see people that I haven't seen in a long time, talk to people. And I realized very quickly that some of these people know a version of me that is dead.

[00:04:08] She does not exist anymore. That some of these people know me in a space and time and place that I would not step foot in today. And it was so comforting because I was able to be myself. I was able to be in that space. But I don't think anyone in the space felt pushed off by me or odd in any way.

[00:04:35] And it just got me to thinking like we can outgrow spaces and places with grace, with integrity, with love, with intention. And it got me to thinking about how we can teach more of that. There's this idea that when you have outgrown something, it is somehow beneath you. Right. And that is not always true. I want us to think about clothing. Right. You outgrow things all the time.

[00:05:04] You outgrow sneakers, you outgrow clothes. When you was a child, you definitely did it. As an adult, the pandemic, a lot of us outgrew our clothes. And we're still trying to get back into our pre-pandemic sized clothing. Right. But sometimes you outgrow a space. You may outgrow a home. Right. You bought this home when your children were younger or before you and your spouse even had kids. And now it's just full because there's more people. People have things. There's more clothes. And you outgrown that space.

[00:05:34] It doesn't inherently mean that something is wrong with that space. It is just not right for you anymore. And I think that when it comes to friendships, when it comes to churches, when it comes to jobs, even when it comes to familial relationship dynamics, you can outgrow those things or parts of those things without deeming them bad.

[00:06:03] Without treating them poorly. I am of the belief that just because you outgrow a person doesn't mean that you get to treat them any old kind of way. And I believe that some of us might be messing up some of God's future plans for us because the way that we are leaving people in places is in a way that won't allow us to return.

[00:06:32] See, sometimes you're going to leave a place. You're going to leave a job. You're going to leave a church. You're going to leave a friendship even. Right. Things are going to grow apart. But the way that you do that, if it allows you to be remembered well, you can always return if that is what God has for you. And so we're going to talk about a little bit of that today. I'm trying to be mindful of what stories and things that I tell because I'm very clear in this podcast space of not wanting to witness before I work.

[00:07:02] Here's what I mean by that. A lot of times in this Christian influential space, particularly, but I'm sure this happens everywhere else as well. You get an idea. You get a feeling. You may have an encounter or two or you may have a situation or two and you're quick to get up here and teach somebody something on how to overcome it when you're still working through it. You're giving witness to something that you haven't finished working through. So I'm very mindful of that.

[00:07:26] So it doesn't always allow me to tell stories that I want to tell or that I think would even be helpful because I'm still working through things. But I think there's a couple of things that I've really seen either myself or others that I think will really help us. There's a scripture that I love. First Corinthians 13 11. It says, when I was a child. I talked like a child. I thought like a child. I reasoned like a child.

[00:07:54] But when I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. And I believe that some of the ways in which we communicate in this day and age, and I want to say in our generation, but the Internet has become given us all opportunities to be like an equal opportunity dummy. OK, so now you got older people, young people, you know, everybody doing things in a way that they think they're supposed to do it based on a couple of talking.

[00:08:23] And they're supposed to do it based on a couple of things. don't know how to resolve conflict, don't know how to leave an environment without completely bashing that environment to others or even just in our heads. And I think that there's a childishness that comes with that that is not helpful.

[00:08:51] I think that we have become a generation that will either ghost people or let people not understand why we're not speaking to them or why we have a problem with them. And we call it protecting our peace. And the truth is, in most cases, if your life is not in danger, you're just avoiding a conversation. You're not protecting your peace.

[00:09:18] You're avoiding a conversation because I guarantee you, you would have more peace if you just told the person you don't want to talk to them. If you just told the place, I don't think I need to be here anymore. I don't think this is helpful. And you explain why and have a conversation that will lead everyone to clarity. And so I think it's just important that as we outgrow people in places, we do it with integrity and grace. You know, this is something that I've had to do.

[00:09:45] So I've had to tell people, you know, I really don't enjoy that anymore. I know that I used to, you know, we used to do that. We used to talk this way. We used to do these things. I'm not interested. I'm not interested in that. And actually, if you cannot do that around me, that would be really helpful. It's uncomfortable for 10 seconds. But if the person loves you and cares for you, then you're fine after that. You know, I've had to tell people, hey, I love you, but I don't deal with this in any relationship in my life.

[00:10:13] I wouldn't deal with this behavior from my husband. So I'm definitely not going to deal with it from you. You know what I mean? Like, and I've had to tell people. I've had to set boundaries with people that I love so that we could have a flourishing, continuing relationship. Because I had outgrown some of the dynamics of the way that things were done. And, you know, this can get touchy specifically with family and close friends. It can get very touchy because you've known them for a long time.

[00:10:42] They've known you. You don't want to seem like you think you're better or you think you're this or that. But it's just, it comes a point where you just have to be honest with people about your capacity, about what you can handle and what you cannot handle, and ways that you may have been different. Ways that you may have changed. And so for me, I think outgrowing people with grace allows them to know that you still love them, that you still care. It doesn't leave them questioning how you feel about them.

[00:11:13] It doesn't leave them questioning if you think you're better than them. Because you've made it very clear where they stand in your life and how you feel about them. And this goes with places as well. You know, I've been a part of several different ministries in my life. Some of them belonging to one specific church, but being different parts of that church. And just, I visited different places and done different things.

[00:11:38] And one of the things that is so important to me is that I be remembered well. And it's not so much about feeling like, oh, I want people to like me. Because there's about seven people on earth who I really care how they feel about me. Like, that's it. You know what I mean? Like, really, really will lose sleep if they're upset with me. Other than that, it really doesn't matter. But I'm very clear that life is cyclical.

[00:12:08] Friendships are cyclical. Sometimes career ebb and flows. Cyclical. And so if you leave a place and you are not remembered well, you have an attitude. You didn't do people right in how you spoke with them or didn't speak with them. You didn't treat people the way you would want to have been treated. It will hinder your opportunities in that place in the future. You know, sometimes we get like too big for our britches, right? And we think we're better than a place or better than a group of people.

[00:12:38] God will send you right back around them saying, people. I'm a witness to that. Because he will make sure that your heart is in a place that you can learn from anybody. That you can love anybody. And so making sure that you outgrow people and places gracefully is super important. I have a theory of this. If you cannot outgrow people and places gracefully, you need to stop using the word outgrow. Outgrow. You're just tired of being there.

[00:13:08] You don't like them anymore. You don't want to be there anymore. You've had enough. And that's fine too. By the way, that's fine too. But when you say outgrow, there should be some growth and maturity with you exiting that situation. Which should allow you to do that with grace, with honor, with love, and with integrity. You know, there are things that people are going to learn from the way that you exit a thing.

[00:13:37] Some of you are new in the faith. You're changing things rapidly. Two months ago, you was twerking and smoking. Now, you're shouting and listening to worship music on the way to work. And I'm proud of you. I'm so proud of you. And you've outgrown some of the ways of some of your counterparts, right? People that you grew up with, family members, cousins, you know, holidays. You go into the function. They're expecting you to go on a cousin walk. And you're like, I ain't going. I don't do that no more.

[00:14:04] The way you do that can either lead somebody toward Christ or push them away. Because the truth of the matter is you can excuse yourself from the environment without excusing yourself from loving the people if the people are willing. There are certainly things and places where you just cannot go. And if you have friends and family who are going to keep trying to peer pressure you to go or try to ask you, yeah, you may need to really separate from them.

[00:14:32] But if you have people who are respectful of what you're doing, they just not ready to do it yet themselves, that's an opportunity for you to minister. That's an opportunity for you to love on that person. That's an opportunity for you to teach that person why you're making the decision that you're making. And if you just separate from them in the name of outgrowth, you're missing an opportunity to actually help them change. Here's the thing. You're taking away the opportunity to actually see you walk that thing out in real life.

[00:15:00] If you used to be someone that cussed everybody out the second that they didn't hold the door for you and you get angry and this and this and that, right? And that's just who you used to be. Let your friends see you be different. If you never hang out with them ever again, they have the opportunity to see you be different. You know what I mean? My friends got the opportunity to see, they have and still have, the opportunities to see me work through and change things in real time. Right?

[00:15:28] I don't just separate from them because they may not be on the same path that I'm on. And what I have found, to be honest, is some of the people who were on very different paths than I was when I first came to Christ are now some of the people who helped me the most spiritually. If I would have just disconnected from them because they weren't spiritual enough or because they didn't go to the same church as me or because of whatever stupid reason we disconnect from people in the name of outgrowth,

[00:15:54] I would have been missing out on so much of an opportunity to grow and learn from them. And so I think we really got to be careful about outgrowing people in places in a way that doesn't allow them to still see us. You know, when you outgrow a place or a person, there's a lot of validity to it because there will be a feeling in you that literally feels discomfort when you're in that person's presence. You will not feel the same.

[00:16:24] You will not feel like yourself. You will not feel like you can be yourself. You will not feel good in their presence. And a lot of times because we have that feeling, we feel justified in just dismissing them. But there's a conversation to be had specifically if you love and care about that person because they might be willing to change. They might be willing to work on some things. They might be willing to say, okay, that's making you uncomfortable. I can stop doing that. I can work on that.

[00:16:53] And you will have thrown away a relationship because you were not willing to have a conversation. These things are ruining our generation. And then people wonder why they feel so lonely. Because in the name of outgrowth, you have alienated the people who love you the most. It's not wise. Again, I am not talking about situations where your life is in danger.

[00:17:20] I'm not talking about situations where people are trying to actively get you to do things that you have said you don't want to do. I'm talking about personality changes, growth. And even in that scenario, if you feel like separation is needed, the separation will become permanent if you don't handle it well. But if you handle it well, God can always bring that relationship back when it needs to. You know, I think about mentorship as well.

[00:17:46] You know, when we have mentors and sometimes with our mentors or people who are older than us, things don't go the right way all the time. You know, life changes. Things happen. They may not be able to show up for you in the way that they used to because they've had a life change or, you know, something has happened in their health or something has happened with you. And people get to bad-mouthing people. Mentors. People that have helped them in the past. Always tell people, tell a whole story. Tell people about all the stuff I did for you too. Make sure you tell that part.

[00:18:16] I mean, make sure you tell the part about all the ways that the person has helped you, that the person has been there for you, the opportunities that they've gotten you, the things in the rooms you would not have been in unless they made sure that you got there, right? Tell those stories as well. And so it's important that even if you exit those types of relationships, you do so with respect. Not everything needs to be made public. A couple of years ago, over a decade ago now, I was let go from a church that I was working for.

[00:18:46] And I was let go under circumstances that really were not right. And when the announcement was made to the church that I was let go, it was made, it was a deceitful announcement. Let me just say that. So much so that for years people thought I quit. So the announcement was not clear at all. People thought I quit, but I was actually let go.

[00:19:10] And my close friends and some of the women that I mentored at the time were still a part of this ministry. So they were still under the leadership of the person who did these things to me. To this day, there are things that my family and those friends don't know in personal conversations that were said because my desire was to allow them to still be able to respect that person.

[00:19:39] Because what that person had done or those people had done with me was not a complete indication of everything about their leadership. Right? They've made a misstep. Since then, I have been apologized to and all is well. Right? This is many, many years ago. But I had to get out of that environment graciously. So much so that if I wanted to go back to that environment today, I could. I could probably work in that environment if I really wanted to. Today.

[00:20:08] And if I had left in an upheaval and tornado of dismantling how everybody felt about this person and did all these things, I would not be able to have that. And more importantly than any of that, I wouldn't have peace in my heart. Because I would have known that I shared things about a person with the intent for people to look down upon them. You know, and this is something that I have a lot of conviction about. We all vent. We all talk to our friends.

[00:20:37] We all have people that we trust in. But I am very mindful of when I'm sharing things about someone to make sure that it is something that the person, either the person who I'm sharing to has the maturity to still see them clearly from it if I really need to vent and get advice about something. Or I make sure that I'm not sharing pertinent information that the person would not be comfortable with me sharing.

[00:21:01] These are the ways that I've been able to outgrow friendships and outgrow places and spaces without burning the whole bridge and burning the whole house down. And we really have to learn it's a skill. It's a skill. Trust me, I get on a camera and I talk about situations. And some of you still would not, people who know me would not be able to know exactly who and what I'm talking about because I'm mindful of how I say things. I'm mindful to not say names.

[00:21:29] I'm mindful to not give exorbitant amount of details about situations that I very much could. It's my life. It's my story, right? But I want to be mindful that just because I've outgrown that situation or outgrown that person that I should still show them respect while still being fair to myself and talking about the things that have happened to me in my life. I think that there is a middle ground that we are missing when it comes to outgrowing places and spaces.

[00:21:58] That scripture that talks about, you know, when I was a child, I thought like a child, I talked like a child, I reasoned like a child. Now, ask yourself if you feel like you have outgrown a person, a group of people, if you have outgrown a place, a church, a job, a group of entrepreneurs that you work with, if you've outgrown a stage in your life, ask yourself, is there any part of how I am handling this situation childish?

[00:22:26] Am I reasoning like a child? Am I talking about it or to people like a child? Am I thinking like a child? Or is there maturity to the way that I'm handling this situation? I think that it will give us so much clarity. So much clarity. Because a child, you know, I'm around children quite often.

[00:22:50] And it's funny because one of my pet peeves is when adults expect children that don't have fully formed frontal lobes to have emotional maturity. But when the child is doing something that they don't like, they lose it. I'm like, well, one of us has a fully formed frontal lobe and it's not the kid that's crying. So you might want to calm down. You know, and again, I think you need to teach children order and they need to respect the authority and all of that stuff.

[00:23:20] I'm a big proponent of all that. I don't think kids should just be able to do whatever. But we do have to be mindful that a child is not developed enough to handle things with a certain amount of logic. They're not mature enough to be able to have a conversation when something is bothering them. That's why they cry. That's why they show out. That's why they walk away.

[00:23:41] Ask yourself, am I handling the situation that I'm claiming to have outgrown like a grown person? Or am I being childish? And for the record, handling it like a grown person doesn't necessarily mean reconciliation. There are some people I will never reconcile with. I'm good. I'm good. You good. We do not need to reconcile. But forgiveness is in the room. You're forgiven. We're good.

[00:24:09] But reconciliation and forgiveness are two different things, right? And we've had the grown-up conversation of how I feel about your behaviors and your actions. So you know there's no ambiguity about how I feel, about how you have behaved. It's very clear. And I think that is super important.

[00:24:29] You know, we can't claim to be grown and enlightened and then behave in a way that thinks, talks, and reasons like a child. In this generation of even work culture, it's funny because people want to show up however they want to show up and not be spoken to about it, not be corrected about it.

[00:24:53] You know, I hate to do the Gen Wars, but people always talk about, you know, Gen Z and their work ethic and how they want to show up to everything with a hoodie on and sweats and whatever. And I don't work in corporate, so I can't speak for that. But I do think that it's important that you show up in situations as the adult you are claiming to be and being paid to be. You need to show up on time.

[00:25:20] You need to show up in the correct attire for what you're doing. And if you work at a startup and everybody comes in in slides and hoodies with a matcha and their hair half combed, have at it. In fact, congratulations, you've won. Especially if you're doing that, you're making a good amount of money. But if you work in a place where everybody has on shoes, you shouldn't think you should be able to come in in sneakers and then quit that job because it's just not for you.

[00:25:48] That's not how that works. Right? Maturity shows that, hey, I need to do what I need to do to be excellent here. And then if you feel like this is not the place for me or I've been here for two or three years and I feel like I've outgrown that space, you can leave that space with integrity. Because here's the thing. Here's the thing about jobs. Here's the thing about industry. Trust me, I know.

[00:26:12] If you are good at what you do, you will see the same people over and over again because the cream rises to the top. I was out of New York for 12, for 10 years. I was out of New York, out of the Northeast for 10 years. Coming back to New York, do you know that I've been put in the rooms and in circumstances with the same people that I was working with, you know, back in the day in music? Because they're still doing well for themselves and so am I.

[00:26:40] And so if I was, you know, a disgusting person to work with and somebody who wasn't respectful and somebody who wasn't on time and somebody who wasn't nice, I probably wouldn't have some of the relationships and opportunities that I have. And so making sure that even when you outgrow a thing, you know, I felt like I had outgrown New York. I felt like I have to get out of here. There's nothing for me here. I want to go somewhere where I can have more opportunities, you know, at the time. And still now, Atlanta is a place that you're going to get the love. You know what I mean? You're going to get the push.

[00:27:09] People are going to put you in the rooms. I did that. But if I talked crazy about the people who helped me and held me down in New York, if I was online talking to my year, Atlanta, so much better, where would I be? You know, you got to outgrow things and people with grace. So I think it's important to ask yourself if you're teetering between, you know, have I outgrown this place or this person or, you know, how am I feeling? You just got to ask yourself a couple of questions. One of them is do I feel more peace when I separate?

[00:27:37] You know, if you feel peace when you're separated from a thing, from a person, when you no longer have to try and wonder, you know, how to be or how not to be, it might be a place that you've outgrown. You know, ask yourself, am I the same person when I am with them that I am when I'm not? If you feel yourself having to change and contort yourself just to be in someone's presence, you may have outgrown them or may not be the place for you. Have your priorities or your values shifted?

[00:28:04] You guys may have prioritized the same types of things. I have friends who, you know, used to live a life of violence, who used to live a life of drugs, who used to live a life, you know, a different life of promiscuity. And their value system changed and it really just was hard for everybody involved to be together. It's hard for the people who are living that life. It's hard for them because you love these people, but you literally have nothing in common anymore.

[00:28:31] You know, you may have outgrown that place and that space. I think one of the most telling feelings for me is that you just feel an inner nudge sometime. You feel an inner nudge. You feel a whisper, but it's loud. You feel an inner nudge. That this is no longer a safe person or place for you. And it may not always be some big beef or some big thing to happen.

[00:28:57] It's just very clear that this is no longer where you need to be or this is no longer where God is giving you. If it's a place where God is giving you dominion, where God is his anointing has like left the building today. It ain't working over there no more. And I often pray, God, do you want me to push through or do you want me to push on out? Right. Because there's both. Sometimes God wants us to push through things and sometimes it's like, it's not for me to push on out. It's not for me to keep it moving.

[00:29:26] And prayer to me is just the most helpful way to know how to do that. I think it's important to know that it's not always conflict. It's not always arrogance. And it's not always, you know, permanent. There are things that you outgrow, that you change and that you deal with in a way that allows the people around you in the places to know that there is still love and respect and honor here.

[00:29:52] And if there is a situation where there is not that, it's not safe, it's not somewhere that you will be returning to, then you can leave that with your head held high but still do that in integrity. See, when you leave a place, how you leave a place is about your character. You know, if you want to crash out and bug out because you think that's what the person deserves, I promise you all people are going to remember is how you behaved. They're going to remember how you behaved.

[00:30:21] And so make sure that as you're in a season of changing and elevating and potentially outgrowing that you do so with grace. I hope this episode helped and encouraged you. I hope that if you are questioning or thinking about, man, is this a place I need to be? Is this a friendship I need to be in? Is this a relationship, a romantic relationship I need to be in? I ain't even go there. I ain't even go there about outgrowing spouses and outgrowing, like, because that happens, right? Another episode for another day.

[00:30:47] But if you're in that season, I want to encourage you to pray deeply for God to show you how you should exit, how you should grow in this situation. I want to remind you that if you can't do it with grace and love, then you may not be outgrowing. You may just be done, which is also okay, right? I also want to remind you that there is a childish way to live and think and reason.

[00:31:16] And then there's a way that you put aside when you become an adult, when you become spiritually mature, and that we can always make the choice to handle things in that way. If you're listening, and we can always make the choice to handle things, and we can always make the choice to handle things in that way. I thank you so much for joining us this week. If you're listening on Holy Culture, Channel 140, Sirius XM Radio. On Holy Culture, we thank you so much.

[00:31:47] If you're listening on Sirius XM, Channel 140, Holy Culture Radio. On a Monday night at 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, we thank you for listening there. If you're watching on their YouTube, we thank you for watching there. And if you are looking at us on my YouTube, we thank you for watching here. Make sure that you subscribe. Hit that notification bell so that you don't miss any of our uploads because we have some amazing things coming for you.

[00:32:08] This is the podcast where we help and encourage you to walk through your God-given doors, to let yourself in and not wait for some seat at an imaginary table or some invitation that's not coming. God has something for you to do. And if you decide to walk through those doors, you never know what he can show you. We'll be back here same time, same place next week. And I can't wait to see you then. Peace.