47 - Three Word Challenge Update & The Lyle and Erik Menéndez Case Update

[00:00:03] Welcome to the Healing for Male Survivors podcast. This is a podcast for male survivors of sexual abuse and assault, whether as a child or as an adult. Know that you are not alone and the abuse was not your fault. My name is Mike Chapman. I'm a certified recovery life coach and also a survivor. Let's find hope and healing together.

[00:00:28] And welcome to the Healing for Male Survivors podcast. I'm your host, Mike Chapman. It's a special episode today. I'm going to be talking about two things. First of all, I wanted to do a follow up of the three word challenge that I gave at the end of last season. I'll have that link in the show notes.

[00:00:51] And then also, I want to talk about a current event item that is happening recently and that is the Menendez Brothers case and the updates to that and how it relates to our podcast theme, which is the power of story.

[00:01:10] But first, let me go back to the three word challenge. What that is, it's a challenge where you ask several people from different areas of your life, five or more, to describe you using three words.

[00:01:27] And so you simply send them a text or a note or a call saying, I'm doing an exercise for my own recovery. What three words would you use to describe me? I need this back in a week.

[00:01:39] Then you wait for responses. And if you don't get enough responses, you keep sending it out until you get enough responses. And it's very fascinating to see what the responses were. And I got several. Some of them did not limit it to simply three words. Some gave me five or more, depending on what they wanted. Still very fascinating.

[00:02:00] Here's the list of words I was able to glean from my friends. Dependable, skilled, godly, lovable, friendly, jovial. And if you know my Santa story, that makes sense. As do some of these other words that come up.

[00:02:19] Compassionate, excitable, jolly, brother, loud, which I do tend to be loud. But yeah, some of these words are not necessarily positive, kind of neutral, maybe border a line on negative.

[00:02:36] But I'm going to take the positive aspect of that. And yes, I can be loud, which is interesting. Exuberant, which also goes with the loud.

[00:02:45] And with all of my stage training and so forth, I have learned to project to that little old lady in the back row to make sure she can hear everything that is said on stage.

[00:02:58] So yes, I do have that ability. And my wife is also hard of hearing. So I tend to be on the loud side and not even realize it. So often I will get shushed by friends when I get a little too excited, which often equates to me being extra loud.

[00:03:17] Continuing the list, kind, controlling. That was another interesting word. Controlling. I do like to be into control, possibly as a result of all the childhood trauma I experienced where I was not in control.

[00:03:34] Being in control, I think, gives me an extra level of safety, knowing that I'm in control of things and someone else is not. There's a little bit more safety in that. So I found that interesting.

[00:03:48] Energetic. Awesome. Jolly. Again, second time a jolly came up. Sad. And those were together by the same person. So yeah, that kind of describes me.

[00:04:00] I can put on the jolliness, especially related to Santa. But I also have that ongoing where I try to be positive and happy, but there's still a sadness at the same time.

[00:04:13] And if you know me well, yeah, that sadness is still there. Sometimes hiding, but it's still there. And I can understand that.

[00:04:21] And I thought that was really profound that they put those together. Strong. Gentle. Those two were also together. So strong, yet gentle.

[00:04:31] And yes, I can be physically strong, but also very, very gentle. Though not super physically strong.

[00:04:38] But yeah, if you ever get one of my hugs, you'll know. Yeah, if you want a big hug, you might feel the air under your feet.

[00:04:48] So yeah, I tend to give very strong hugs, which are also gentle hugs.

[00:04:53] Though if you need extreme gentle hugs, I've got family members who they just want the little lightest touch of a hug.

[00:05:00] And they will certainly get that. Inclusive. Non-judgmental. Kind. Gentle. Again. Caring. Friendly. Friendly again.

[00:05:16] Interesting. Learning how other people's view me. Yeah, very fascinating. Wonderful exercise.

[00:05:24] Thank you to the No Longer Ashamed podcast for challenging others to do that. And that's where I got that from.

[00:05:31] Great podcast, by the way, where they also interview survivors and talk about healing from childhood sexual abuse as well.

[00:05:39] Great people over there. And we've cross-pollinated our podcasts with guests and so forth.

[00:05:45] And they're wonderful over there, Kevin and Lori.

[00:05:49] And I also challenged others. One member within Husband Material mentioned that this is a great challenge to learn what I've been living out in front of believers and non-believers alike.

[00:06:01] I asked for honest words, not just strokes. Most of those I asked responded in one conversation entailed to build vulnerable connection.

[00:06:12] So he found it quite beneficial as well. Someone else said they asked and got four.

[00:06:23] One called them witty, analytical, loyal, though also intelligent, musical, thoughtful, good listener, loyal, emotional, as in in touch with ones and emotions.

[00:06:38] One called them witty, loyal, genuine, short, nerd, mathlete, strong, devoted, loyal.

[00:06:48] Another person said loyal, loving, wise.

[00:06:52] He says I needed to hear these things.

[00:06:55] The enemy often tells me that I failed, I've missed my shot, that God only tolerates me because he has to.

[00:07:03] And found it interesting that loyal showed up in all the lists.

[00:07:09] Another person said this is what they were told.

[00:07:13] Kind, personable, fun, down-to-earth, friend, confident, professional, reliable, devoted, inquisitive, generous, faithful,

[00:07:26] steadfast, helpful, intelligent, hardworking, devoted, faithful, honorable, loyal, reliable, invested, soul-searcher, funny.

[00:07:40] And they said, I have thought often recently some negative things about myself and I needed to hear these distinct positive attributes.

[00:07:49] I found the similarities across a few friends to be interesting.

[00:07:54] So that's what I found from those who participated and chose to share.

[00:08:01] So I challenge all of you to try that.

[00:08:07] Give that a try, that three-word challenge, and see what happens, what you come up with.

[00:08:14] So if you do end up taking that challenge, feel free to let me know how that goes.

[00:08:21] You can join our different live chat options within Polar Life Consulting, and you can learn more about how to join any of those on my website,

[00:08:33] polarlifeconsulting.com slash live, L-I-V-E hyphen, chat, C-H-A-T.

[00:08:39] Again, polarlifeconsulting.com slash live hyphen, chat.

[00:08:46] And moving on to the second part of the podcast, there are updates to the Lyle and Menendez case.

[00:08:56] If you are unfamiliar with this, this was back in 1989.

[00:09:02] Just when cable court TV was out, they got the rights to televise this murder trial, which happened in the early 90s.

[00:09:17] And it was huge.

[00:09:19] It was all over the news.

[00:09:21] It was wall-to-wall coverage on TV.

[00:09:25] It was the number one thing everyone was talking about in the early 90s.

[00:09:29] It was high profile because this was like Beverly Hills, I believe.

[00:09:35] So very, very, very super rich area.

[00:09:40] And these two young men, late teens, early 20s, ended up killing their mother and father in their mansion of a home.

[00:09:53] Talking about how that happened and why that happened and all the evidence that came out.

[00:09:58] At the time, it was huge news.

[00:10:00] They said the reason was that their father had sexually abused them and mentally and emotionally abused them so severely.

[00:10:12] They were finally at the point of realizing if they did not do something, they truly feared for their lives and felt like the father was soon going to kill them.

[00:10:25] So in a way, they felt it was self-defense.

[00:10:28] And now we call that coercive control, though that wasn't a term back then.

[00:10:34] They and the extended family during the trial went into great detail on all of the times that especially extended family members witness the horrifying abuse of these boys over the decades that it made sense that they would fear for their lives.

[00:11:00] But at the time, this is in their early 90s, well before Me Too, no one talked about the sexual abuse of boys.

[00:11:09] So everyone assumed they must be making it up.

[00:11:13] And they were just rich boys trying to get away with murder of their rich parents so they would have all the money to themselves.

[00:11:22] Though you go through the trial and apparently all the footage from that Court TV case is available online on Court TV's archives.

[00:11:32] You can watch the whole thing if you want.

[00:11:34] All of the testimony, it's still available.

[00:11:37] There's been several documentaries recently and dramatizations of the case recently, which brought back up the high profile of this case.

[00:11:48] What happened was with this case, it ended up after weeks and weeks, it became a hung jury.

[00:11:56] Most of the female members of the jury wanted to drop the charges down to manslaughter because they believed the abuse allegations.

[00:12:04] Most of the male members of the jury did not believe the abuse allegations.

[00:12:10] And most of them wanted them convicted of murder.

[00:12:13] They could not decide after a long time of deliberating the case, and it ended up being a hung jury.

[00:12:22] So they scheduled a retrial at some time in the future after the mistrial was declared.

[00:12:29] In the meantime, a second high profile case came to the forefront, and that was the O.J. Simpson murder trial case.

[00:12:38] And that resulted in O.J.

[00:12:42] This is the same county, Los Angeles County in California.

[00:12:46] He got off with murder, and it looked really, really bad for the L.A. County District Attorney's Office.

[00:12:55] And they were so embarrassed that when it came time for the Lyle and Eric Menendez case to come back up,

[00:13:03] they did whatever possible to ensure a guilty conviction of these boys.

[00:13:11] And they barred cameras.

[00:13:13] So the second trial had no TV coverage.

[00:13:18] And they also convinced the judge to not allow any testimony that the boys had been abused by their father.

[00:13:28] And that was the whole point of the defense, was to show that, yes, these boys feared for their lives because of the coercive control of their father.

[00:13:39] That was the whole point of their case.

[00:13:43] And all of that was disallowed by the district attorney's office and convinced the judge to do the same.

[00:13:50] And that was the key to the defense.

[00:13:53] So as a result, yes, they did it.

[00:13:56] They agreed that they did it.

[00:13:57] There was so little defense.

[00:13:59] And then when it went to jury, the jury decided right away, yes, they're guilty.

[00:14:03] And they got a murder conviction with special circumstance, meaning that they had to serve consecutive life sentences with no chance for parole.

[00:14:17] And that's where it stood.

[00:14:19] It went very quickly.

[00:14:22] And the L.A. County, you can see the politics that were involved.

[00:14:26] They got their win and made them look better.

[00:14:29] All of that because of the politics at the time, because of the Simpson trial as well.

[00:14:35] All of that played into that decision.

[00:14:38] Now, fast forward, they've been in prison for decades, no chance of parole.

[00:14:44] And now more details are coming out.

[00:14:49] More evidence is coming out that was not known at the time.

[00:14:54] That back to the 80s, there was a famous boy band called Menudo.

[00:15:01] It was a hugely popular boy band based out of Puerto Rico, but hit the U.S.

[00:15:07] and was quite popular in the U.S.

[00:15:09] This is before the popular boy bands like Backstreet Boys and NSYNC.

[00:15:15] And it was huge.

[00:15:17] And this group, they would keep this preteen, early teen aesthetic.

[00:15:24] And as soon as the boys hit around the age 16, they were removed from the group and replaced to keep that same profile within the group.

[00:15:33] And kept that age for this Menudo group to continue to perform and keep that demographic of these preteen, young teen, teenage boys.

[00:15:48] What it turns out, in addition to being a quite profitable music group, this was also a sex trafficking front.

[00:15:57] So the leader of the band sexually abused many of the members of the band, allowed others to sexually abuse them as well.

[00:16:08] And one band member, Roy Rossello, came out recently and told his story.

[00:16:15] This is in the last few years, about how he was brought to the New York home of a record executive.

[00:16:26] They had just signed a huge contract or were about to sign a huge contract with this record deal, this recording executive.

[00:16:36] And that label, part of that was the manager of the group took Roy to this man's home in New York.

[00:16:45] And that manager sexually abused Roy.

[00:16:52] Roy, and it turns out that was the father of Lyle and Eric Menendez.

[00:16:59] And Roy is willing to go on record to say, yes, this happened.

[00:17:03] And yes, they had several homes, including one home in New York, along with the home where they were murdered in the Beverly Hills area.

[00:17:12] So now, because of Roy's testimony, that gives more credence to the fact that Lyle and Eric were indeed sexually abused by their father.

[00:17:26] Because Roy came forward and told his story.

[00:17:31] And when he told it, he didn't know who this Menendez guy was.

[00:17:34] He just knew he was a record executive, had no idea it was related to this well-publicized murder case.

[00:17:42] But came out and someone explained, do you know who that was?

[00:17:45] And he didn't really know.

[00:17:47] And then they explained it.

[00:17:48] And yes, it was Lyle and Eric Menendez's father.

[00:17:51] There was another piece of evidence that there was some letter written by one of the brothers to a cousin.

[00:17:57] And this is a few years before the murder, talking about the ongoing abuse that happened.

[00:18:03] That was another piece of evidence that has come forward as well.

[00:18:07] And so they have asked for reconsideration of sentencing.

[00:18:12] And sure enough, in October of 2024, the current L.A. district attorney, George Gascon,

[00:18:20] has set up a press conference talking about the possibility for resentencing.

[00:18:25] He was not going to drop the charge to manslaughter, which means they would be out scot-free.

[00:18:31] But he was going to look at resentencing down to straight murder instead of murder with special circumstance.

[00:18:40] The result being that if it was a simple murder conviction, that the boys, because at the time of the murder,

[00:18:49] the boys were both under the age of 26, and if that is the case, they would be up for parole much sooner at that young of an age.

[00:19:00] And that would have already happened by now.

[00:19:03] So instead of no opportunity for parole, they would be able to be out on parole.

[00:19:10] So they'd still have that murder charge against them, though they will have paid their debt and would be out on parole for a matter of years.

[00:19:23] And a resentencing trial is scheduled to begin on December 11th of 2024 in L.A. County.

[00:19:31] Now, George Gascon was up for re-election, and I believe there may have been hope with his campaign that this would bring more attention to it.

[00:19:42] But he actually lost his bid for re-election, and there's some debate that this might end up reversing the sentencing reconsideration.

[00:19:54] Don't know, but the judge, the case is set to go before a judge, and the wheels hopefully are already in motion.

[00:20:04] So no matter who is replacing George Gascon as the L.A. district attorney, do not know if they will have enough power to cancel that situation or not.

[00:20:18] We'll have to wait and see.

[00:20:19] But yes, because the power of story, Roy Rossello from Menudo was able to share his story, and through sharing the story, it is helping others to find freedom.

[00:20:33] In this case, literal freedom with Medendez brothers.

[00:20:36] And your story likewise has power attached to it.

[00:20:41] It not only will help you heal, but as others hear it, whether you do it here on the podcast or privately in an anonymous forum, however you do it, it will still help others find healing.

[00:20:56] They can hear your story and find something in it that they can relate to with their story and help them find the courage to get help and find healing.

[00:21:07] So there is tremendous power of story.

[00:21:12] And that's why this case came to mind, and I was able to watch the press conference that George Gascon gave, and I watched that live.

[00:21:26] And I actually started tearing up because I know what the brothers have gone through.

[00:21:33] And at the time when it was public, I still had blocked memories of my own abuse.

[00:21:39] So I didn't understand the significance at the time.

[00:21:42] But since then, I have.

[00:21:45] And I can totally relate to the brothers' plight and can understand that idea of coercive control and them having to deal with that and felt they had no other options but to kill both parents for their own survival.

[00:22:07] And yes, I teared up because I could so relate to the brothers, and they have more than served their time for this act that they committed that was truly in self-defense.

[00:22:24] And in my personal opinion, should have been sentenced as manslaughter, though they got murder.

[00:22:33] And even dropping the charge to basic murder instead of murder with special circumstance, that will allow parole.

[00:22:41] So I get the idea why they went that way instead of bringing it all the way down to manslaughter.

[00:22:48] I think it's a good, healthy compromise.

[00:22:53] And the brothers would still be able to be free.

[00:22:57] So we'll wait and see how that happens.

[00:23:00] And keep an eye out.

[00:23:02] I think it's a wonderful example of the power of story.

[00:23:06] And with that, we'll see you next time on the Healing for Male Survivors podcast.