33 - Live interview with “James”

[00:00:00] Hello podcast listeners. This is Mike Chapman and I have some exciting news. Juan Mejia and I, both certified husband material coaches, will be hosting a men's weekend healing retreat July 11th through the 14th, 2024 in Columbia, South Carolina. For more information, go to polarliveconsulting.com slash retreat. Hope to see you there!

[00:00:29] Welcome to the Healing for Male Survivors podcast. This is a podcast for male survivors of sexual abuse and assault, whether as a child or as an adult. Know that you are not alone and the abuse was not your fault. My name is Mike Chapman. I'm a certified recovery life coach and also a survivor. Let's find hope and healing together.

[00:00:54] And welcome to the Healing for Male Survivors podcast. I'm Mike Chapman. I'm your host and founder of Polar Live Consulting. If you would like to join us on a live version of the podcast, you can find out more information on the website polarliveconsulting.com slash live. And we have audience members here.

[00:01:24] A reminder to the audience, if you want to put in a question, put that in the Q&A section here and you can be as anonymous as you would like. We will only say your name if you manually type it in with your question.

[00:01:38] And with me today is my guest James. James is a survivor of sexual trauma. He met his future wife in high school in Fort Wayne, Indiana. They have been married for 14 years. He and his wife have four children and he is here today to share his story.

[00:01:57] Like we start most episodes of this podcast, we start with four questions. Now it's time for four questions that part of the podcast when we get to know our guest a bit better by asking a few questions. Let's go.

[00:02:14] So James, what is your favorite food memory?

[00:02:21] My favorite food memory would have to be my grandmother on my mom's side. She was an excellent cook. She cooked for any and everybody that was hungry. She cooked so good. So that's probably like my favorite food choice item or what have you. She always stayed in the kitchen. I always stayed in the kitchen, always ate something that she was cooking.

[00:02:41] Did she teach you how to cook some of the dishes?

[00:02:45] She did.

[00:02:46] My mom, my godmom, my aunt and my grandmother taught me how to cook and I also have a business called LJ's Kitchen that me and my wife has. We do different things from desserts and meal preps and catering and stuff like that as well.

[00:03:03] Wonderful. So you made it a business as well. So what I know soul food is this huge realm of dishes, part of southern culture and what were your favorite dishes that your grandma made?

[00:03:20] She made the best fried chicken leg quarters, greens, especially spaghetti.

[00:03:27] Oh, yeah.

[00:03:29] Was always good.

[00:03:31] Yeah.

[00:03:33] Wow. Yeah, I know I've been to several soul food restaurants here in the south and I was in DC for a while. And yeah, so I sampled all kinds of different soul food dishes and a lot of them are really good.

[00:03:47] Some I did try chitlins once. And no, that was a one time thing.

[00:03:52] No, that's it.

[00:03:54] They're pretty good at what they make, right?

[00:03:56] Right, yeah.

[00:03:58] They may not have made them right. But yeah.

[00:04:02] So, what is your favorite Christmas or holiday memory?

[00:04:07] I think for me when I was younger, all my aunts and uncles and cousins and stuff would get together at my grandmother's house and you know she would cook a big dinner and you know have ham and chitlins and greens and just have a big old feast.

[00:04:24] And then after my grandmother passed away, my aunt, which is her daughter, she took on the tradition and you know we would go over there for the holidays.

[00:04:32] And of course, you know being up all day and night, you know prepping and cooking and stuff for Thanksgiving and Christmas and stuff like that.

[00:04:39] So you know that's always a good memory.

[00:04:41] Just hanging out with family and friends and stuff like that.

[00:04:44] And you know we always around Christmas and Thanksgiving time, we always would go around and say what we were thankful for and stuff like that.

[00:04:51] So that's always been a memory in mind.

[00:04:53] Oh, that's nice. Did they let you do any of the cooking?

[00:04:57] Well I stayed in the kitchen so I would help like prep the stuff.

[00:05:01] So for like yams and you know the chitlins and you know the cornbread and stuff like that.

[00:05:07] So you were their sous chefs, their assistant chef right?

[00:05:10] Yes, you could say that.

[00:05:11] Yeah, excellent. Yeah that's what I do now.

[00:05:15] When my kids are home, they're in their 20s, my daughter turns 30 this year.

[00:05:23] And yeah, they kind of take the lead and then okay what do you want me to do?

[00:05:28] I'll do prep, I'll do whatever, clean up as they go, whatever.

[00:05:32] I give the big responsibility to them and then I just help out wherever they need me to help out.

[00:05:38] Yes, no stress on you.

[00:05:39] Yeah, exactly. They haven't figured it out yet.

[00:05:42] It's like oh we're in charge. Like yeah you're in charge. Yeah, yeah it's great.

[00:05:47] So what is your favorite church or house of worship memory?

[00:05:51] I have a lot. My godmom is actually a pastor and she's been in my life ever since I was a newborn.

[00:05:59] That's all I know is church. I grew up in the church and then the church I go to now, I grew up in that church.

[00:06:05] My dad, my mother and my grandmother was members and stuff like that.

[00:06:10] So is it really an aspect of your family really?

[00:06:13] Yeah I really don't have like a certain, I guess I take that back.

[00:06:18] My favorite memory in church is when my pastor ordained me as a minister.

[00:06:24] That's probably like my favorite memory.

[00:06:26] Oh yes, oh wonderful yeah. I know I got ordained as a deacon in our church.

[00:06:33] Back in the day, the church we used to go to. We moved about two hours away from that town.

[00:06:38] Yeah that was very special when I got ordained because yeah it's just like that extra blessing that people look at you as not just some person but someone who is there to help serve others and it's like you get a calling.

[00:06:57] And yeah those are such special ceremonies.

[00:07:02] I know that was very memorable for me as well when that happened. That's awesome.

[00:07:08] What is your favorite scripture or any inspirational quote that has helped you on your spiritual journey and what about it speaks to you?

[00:07:17] I had got, I think it was a birthday card pastor and first lady thing last year, year before last.

[00:07:25] And they was basically saying congratulations to you and we're proud of you and we love you.

[00:07:31] And also in the card it said there's more glory.

[00:07:35] I think, trying to quote, I think it says there's more glory in your story and I love that because-

[00:07:43] More glory in your story.

[00:07:45] Yes.

[00:07:46] Wow.

[00:07:47] Because we all go through things in life and you know I think that every trial and tribulation that we go through there's always going to be glory in it long as God is in it.

[00:08:00] And then my favorite scripture is definitely Philippians 4, 13. I can do all things to Christ who strengthens me. That's my favorite scripture.

[00:08:10] Yeah, I like that too. That's the theme, overriding theme of this podcast is story and the power of story.

[00:08:20] And even the fact that you're here sharing a part of your story with other men to encourage them, there's such power in that because so many men think they're all alone in this struggle.

[00:08:37] And there's not, it's one in six and that's even low. It's probably more than that.

[00:08:43] And they suffer in silence and they don't share and they don't come out and they don't have examples of men who come out and say, yeah this happened.

[00:08:52] It was really awful but I'm getting through it and you can too.

[00:08:57] And finding the hope and the healing.

[00:08:59] So that's wonderful.

[00:09:01] And speaking of which, let's move on to your story. And as I tell all my guests, people's stories, the timeline can jump all over the place.

[00:09:13] I know my story does because that's how things unfolded. So I kind of go back and forth.

[00:09:18] So wherever you want to share, share about your history, however much you want to share.

[00:09:24] And then talk about your healing journey when you started getting help and what things have worked and what things have not worked.

[00:09:34] If you've gone to therapy or whatever that you've done certain things to help people, other things don't help at all.

[00:09:42] And so let me know how that's going and then we'll lead into what you're doing these days.

[00:09:47] For me, well let me say this. I had a somewhat challenging and difficult or rough childhood growing up.

[00:09:56] My mother, she dealt with addictions, the drugs and stuff like that.

[00:10:01] I bounced around from home to home, from family member to family member and stuff like that due to her addiction and stuff like that.

[00:10:08] I was molested by her boyfriend. I was raped and sold to my son, my own cousin at a young age.

[00:10:14] That was like around nine or ten when all that happened.

[00:10:18] First it started off with my mother's boyfriend, then my own cousin.

[00:10:24] And it was very traumatic for me because I knew that it was wrong but didn't know the extent of how bad it was or how it would affect me later on in life.

[00:10:35] How old were you when that happened with your mom's boyfriend and your cousin? How old were you?

[00:10:39] I was around nine or ten when that happened.

[00:10:43] And how old was your cousin?

[00:10:45] My cousin, so if I was around nine, he was like around the same age. He was a year older than me so probably around ten or whatever.

[00:10:55] Okay.

[00:10:56] Once that happened, I didn't tell anyone. I didn't tell my mother or my cousin when her boyfriend did to me or my cousin.

[00:11:05] I didn't tell anyone. I just kept it bottled up inside and acted like nothing happened when I rallied.

[00:11:12] One day I came home from school and my wife at the time, she was my girlfriend, was outside talking on her porch.

[00:11:20] And she was like, has anything ever been done to you? Has anybody touched you?

[00:11:25] Trying to play it off as if I don't know what she's talking about.

[00:11:29] But I ended up coming out and saying yes, I was molested by my mother's boyfriend.

[00:11:33] And she ended up telling my mother and I told my girlfriend at the time not to because it already happened and there's nothing that can be done about it.

[00:11:44] And so I told my mother, came home from school, told my mother what happened and then we went to the police station and made a report and stuff like that.

[00:11:53] And at the time, the guy that molested me, he was in jail for some kind of crime he did or what have you.

[00:11:59] And so he was asked why he was incarcerated, what happened or was this true or whatever.

[00:12:06] I haven't heard nothing from the detective for years.

[00:12:09] And so I just got curious and called the detective at the time was on a case.

[00:12:14] He said they dismissed a case of lack of evidence.

[00:12:17] And so I was mad and hurt and sad and confused.

[00:12:22] What if he's done this to other children or somebody who's a child?

[00:12:27] They haven't spoke up about anything like that.

[00:12:30] So why did your girlfriend bring up the subject in the first place with you?

[00:12:35] I was outside in Portia and we were just having a deep heart to heart conversation, which I really remember what led up to her asking me that.

[00:12:44] Does she have any abuse history or anything in her family?

[00:12:48] Like she had other relatives who were abused or told her own story?

[00:12:54] And I don't know if anybody else in her family have ever dealt with that.

[00:12:59] We really haven't discussed that.

[00:13:01] It was mainly about me because it's something I didn't feel comfortable opening up to her about.

[00:13:06] But eventually I did and I'm glad that I did.

[00:13:10] Now when your mother found out, how did she react?

[00:13:14] What was her response to you?

[00:13:16] Did she believe you right away?

[00:13:19] I think that she did.

[00:13:21] I never forget the look that she had on her face.

[00:13:23] I think she had a disgusted look on her face, not pertaining to me, but that's what happened to her child.

[00:13:29] I can't believe that happened to my child.

[00:13:33] I think it was a little bit of that of her not being there due to her drug activity and stuff like that.

[00:13:41] So I think that might have been what was going through her mind at the time.

[00:13:44] And just a disbelief about everything.

[00:13:48] And did you tell either your girlfriend or your mother about the cousin?

[00:13:52] The crazy thing is that my mother ended up passing away in 2013.

[00:14:00] So my mother never knew that I was raped and sodomized by my own cousin, which is my mother's sister or son.

[00:14:07] I didn't come out about it actually.

[00:14:09] Me and my wife and my family were at Kohl's here in my hometown.

[00:14:14] And my cousin had contacted me on Facebook Messenger after it blew out of nowhere.

[00:14:19] And basically he was just saying sorry for what we did.

[00:14:25] So far I try to insinuate as if I agreed to the things that he was doing to me, which I never did agree to it.

[00:14:35] And so I didn't tell my wife because I didn't want her to judge me or think that because his cousin did that to him or to me.

[00:14:45] Maybe we had something going on or something like that.

[00:14:47] But just feeling embarrassed and didn't want her to judge me.

[00:14:51] So I ended up telling.

[00:14:52] I believe it was one of my brothers, Daquan, the Survivor Circle group.

[00:14:56] I think I told him and messaged him about it.

[00:14:58] And then my wife went out finding out because I think she ended up looking at the message.

[00:15:03] And she then asked me what happened and what was going on and stuff like that.

[00:15:06] And so that's how that came out about my cousin.

[00:15:09] Right.

[00:15:11] So when did you first start getting help for all these wounds starting your healing journey?

[00:15:18] What brought that about?

[00:15:20] You know what?

[00:15:22] I've never got any help, therapy or counseling to I want to say maybe the last year or the year before last.

[00:15:30] Because I always thought I didn't need it.

[00:15:32] And not only on top of that, but just feeling embarrassed and ashamed of things that was done to me and didn't want to be criticized.

[00:15:41] You know, really didn't want to talk about it.

[00:15:43] Yeah.

[00:15:45] Paying for traumatic pasts and stuff like that.

[00:15:47] But I'm so glad I did because it gave me a different perspective on life and the trauma and stuff like that.

[00:15:54] And I had to realize, understand that the trauma that I went through, that's not who I am today.

[00:16:00] Right.

[00:16:02] And so going through the counseling and stuff like that, it did help tremendously.

[00:16:08] And I'm glad I went through with it.

[00:16:10] What type of therapy is your counselor working?

[00:16:14] Is it just talk therapy or are you doing different things?

[00:16:17] And what is really helping you and what hasn't really helped you?

[00:16:22] Well, it's Christian based counseling and stuff like that.

[00:16:26] So they have they give you like a they do like a little survey.

[00:16:30] They're trying to best match you or pair you with the best counselor or therapist that best suits you.

[00:16:41] And I actually had two.

[00:16:43] One in the transition to somewhere else or different location or job or whatever.

[00:16:48] And then the other guy that went through, I've seen him in my local town and been to his church several times, but never knew he was a therapist and stuff like that.

[00:16:58] And so when we met, we hit it off great and stuff like that.

[00:17:03] And some of the things that we have in common.

[00:17:05] So that even made even better to open up and know about the stuff that he can relate to as well.

[00:17:13] Right. You had this layer of trust because you already knew him.

[00:17:16] Yes.

[00:17:17] Out in the world a little bit. So I'm sure that helps. That's good.

[00:17:20] Absolutely.

[00:17:21] Wonderful. So I know you're part of Survivor Circle.

[00:17:27] Has that helped being in a community of other survivors?

[00:17:32] And how has that helped you?

[00:17:34] Yes, yes it is. You know what actually really don't remember how a lot of went about.

[00:17:40] I think I was following one of the guys in the Survivor Circle group.

[00:17:45] And then somehow, I don't know how me and Robert connected, but he ended up asking people if they wanted to share their stories or testimonies and stuff like that in the book and stuff like that.

[00:17:57] So I shared a little snippet piece about my story.

[00:18:03] Or your book that you wrote?

[00:18:06] Yeah, the book that was wrote. Everybody that wanted to give their stories is in the book and the name and all that good stuff.

[00:18:16] Well what's the title of that book again?

[00:18:18] It's Echoes.

[00:18:19] Oh, Echoes. That's what I was thinking. Okay. So you're part of that. Yes. Okay.

[00:18:25] Yeah, I'm very familiar with that.

[00:18:29] It's very good. It's very explicit, you know, certain chapters.

[00:18:36] Whoever wrote who.

[00:18:38] Well even this podcast I put a little e-rating because we, I mean, we talk about growing up stuff and yeah, you try not to get graphic, at least to graphic but you know we're talking about serious stuff so yeah, that makes perfect sense.

[00:18:55] But yeah, I have not gotten a copy of that. That's like on my list of things to read and yeah, but I've heard really good things about that book.

[00:19:05] They're very powerful all the stories and you're part of it. That's awesome.

[00:19:09] Yes.

[00:19:10] Yes. That's wonderful. So what are you doing now these days? What are you doing either with recovery or you mentioned LJ's kitchen so is that full time or what are, what all are you doing now?

[00:19:26] Well, I work in healthcare and I do that, you know, full time so I don't have the time to really, you know, critique my craft or, you know, to fully, you know, focus on my business stuff like that. So, you know, that's somewhat of a bummer but it's going to come.

[00:19:43] That's kind of a, that's kind of a side hustle for you.

[00:19:46] Yes, for right now because I really love to have my own restaurant or food truck. That's always been my passion, you know, ever since I was a little boy to have a restaurant. Other than that, you know, ministry.

[00:19:59] My family and I is constantly busy ministry, the Bible said what you got tomorrow night choir rehearsal, praise and worship on Sunday mornings, Sunday school, you know, you name it, we pretty much do it.

[00:20:12] Oh, wow. So you're very involved in your local church. That's that's wonderful. I'm sure that's so fulfilling as well and serving gets your mind off of the stuff, you know, and especially being involved in worship that can be so healing.

[00:20:35] I know I served in choir, my church choir for a while back in the day. And yeah, that God would work so strongly in that.

[00:20:46] Yeah.

[00:20:48] Yeah, that's wonderful. Yeah, remind our audience members if you have any questions, feel free to put them in the queue and a, we don't have any just yet.

[00:21:00] Any words of advice for survivors out there that you think they need to hear from you?

[00:21:07] I would say personally that you are not the person that you went through. You are survival, you have overcome greater than you, whatever happened to you, you know, do not let it define your character and who you are.

[00:21:20] You know, if that person believes in Jesus Christ and if the person doesn't just know that you can overcome it and get some help. I think that, you know, not only, you know, black men, but men in general.

[00:21:32] I think that sometimes we are embarrassed to seek help because he can feel like we've been judged or misunderstood or misguided. And so, you know, we, you know, have the attitude is I don't need to go to council.

[00:21:45] I don't need to go to therapy. I'm good. But in deep and inside, you know, we're really killing ourselves.

[00:21:51] Right.

[00:21:52] Praying for help.

[00:21:53] There's that stigma. It's like, oh, if I go to therapy, everyone's going to think I'm crazy. You know? Yeah.

[00:21:59] And that was me.

[00:22:00] Yeah, yeah, me too. But no, I mean, if you're sick, you go to a doctor.

[00:22:05] Absolutely.

[00:22:06] If, yeah, if you get cut, you go and you get stitches. If you get a broken arm, they have to set it and make it right so you can heal.

[00:22:13] Yeah.

[00:22:14] And it's the same thing, only it's in our brain.

[00:22:17] Absolutely.

[00:22:18] So there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. But yeah, I love that. That's great words of wisdom, James. I appreciate that.

[00:22:28] And no other questions. Any closing thoughts?

[00:22:33] Find somebody that you can trust, somebody that you can, you know, lean on, someone that, you know, can let you can trust with your information, your secrets and stuff like that.

[00:22:43] Just know that you're going to be OK. I was listening to a podcast earlier this morning and the pastor was basically saying that just breathe.

[00:22:54] It's OK. You don't get through it. Just breathe. Take one day at a time. You're going to get to your destination.

[00:23:02] Right. Great words of wisdom, telling your story, sharing it even with one person that it gets it out.

[00:23:10] It gets it out of your head. It gets it out in the open. And that's where healing happens when we that's another power of story.

[00:23:18] When we share our story, they say a burden shared is a burden have.

[00:23:24] So yeah, so sharing it with even one other person, you don't have to sit in the public forum like this necessarily, but just sharing it with someone gets it out and they can be praying for you.

[00:23:38] They can be a support for you. And yeah, that healing all over the recovery community, they say healing happens in community.

[00:23:51] So the more you can connect with others, connection is the key. So find that person that you can.

[00:24:00] And that's the first step to the healing process. That's wonderful. Thank you so much, James, for being with us.

[00:24:08] And a reminder to our audience if you'd like to join us on future live podcasts, information on doing so is on the website polarliveconsulting.com slash live.

[00:24:24] And with that, thank you, James. And we'll see you next time on the Healing for Male Survivors podcast.

[00:24:34] If you would like to learn more about my coaching with Polar Live Consulting where I provide one-on-one coaching and group coaching, both with a focus on healing for male survivors, reach out to me at polarliveconsulting.com.

[00:24:48] Polar spelled P-O-L-A-R. I would love to hear from you. I want to hear your story. If you would like your story featured on this podcast, contact me via my website.

[00:25:00] If you like this podcast, please rate and review because that's how other people can find me. And I really want to spread this message of healing and hope to others.

[00:25:09] And remember, you are not alone. Healing is possible and the abuse was not your fault. Let me repeat that. The abuse was not your fault. See you next time on the Healing for Male Survivors podcast.