CHM170: Helping Daughters Know Their Worth in a Worth-Chasing World with Nellie Harden

[00:00:13] Hi, and welcome to the Christian Homeschool Moms Podcast. I'm Demetria, your host, a veteran homeschool mom of two beautiful daughters, one already launched and thriving in adulthood and the others preparing for her next big chapter, her senior year, then college life and beyond. After more than a decade of homeschooling, I've stepped into a new season of supporting families as an afterschool tutor. And I also run Soul Podcasting, which is my boutique podcast agency where we help creatives and entrepreneurs edit, launch and grow their shows with confidence. And if you're tuning in, you belong here. Whether you homeschool,

[00:00:43] full time or your kids are in traditional school, or you're taking a hybrid path. So my heart is to encourage and support parents who are intentional about advocating for their child's academic and personal growth. And I'm super excited to be part of your journey. Now this summer, I'm especially excited to bring you our interview marathon series. I started this last week on the very last episode. And this is a special lineup of conversations with homeschool parents and thought leaders and even educational publishers designed to equip and inspire you before the new school year begins. So whether you're exploring curriculum

[00:01:13] options or you're seeking encouragement or just simply need a fresh perspective, these episodes are here to help you. Now, before we dive in, I wanted to give a quick shout out about the Christian Women Podcasters Network. This is our growing community of faith driven women podcasters. And if you're a Christian woman with a podcast or you're thinking of launching one, this is a beautiful space to connect and grow. Currently, membership is free for a limited time. So head over to ChristianWomenPodcasters.com and check it out.

[00:01:38] We'd love to welcome you into the community. All right, let's get into today's conversation. Today's guest is Nellie Harden. Nellie is a wife and mother of four daughters. She's a former worth chaser, a trauma survivor and an author and speaker in the space of family life and leadership who also homeschooled her girls for seven years. And her work focuses on helping those who impact the lives of young women to strategically build a unique God centered foundation of worth,

[00:02:04] esteem and confidence in them so that they will be equipped to thrive and live their purpose in a constantly changing world. Her career has spanned from humpbacks to humans and includes decades studying personal, family, faith and leadership development. And she believes in the power of a childhood that sets someone up for success in life. When Nellie's not writing and speaking, she loves being outside with her crew and adventuring through all that life has to offer.

[00:02:28] Today, Nellie is going to share her story, the heart behind her work and practical ways that we as parents can pour into our daughters and sons to build unshakable confidence rooted in Christ. So let's dive in. Hi, everyone. Welcome to the Christian Homeschool Moms podcast. I have an awesome guest today. Her name is Nellie Harden, and she is a mother of four daughters. And she's got all kinds of things to share with us, but she is a former worth chaser. We will talk about what that means.

[00:02:56] She homeschooled her girls for seven years, and her work focuses on helping those who impact the lives of young women. And we're going to be talking about that today, about building that God-centered foundation for our youth. And so, Nellie, thank you so much for being here. This is going to be an awesome conversation. Hello. Thank you for having me. And so I'm glad you're here.

[00:03:21] I want to just have you share a bit about who you are and what makes you tick? What makes your family unique? I mean, just the people in it. I mean, I think we are. We're all created unique, obviously, or else we wouldn't be here. We're all given our different purposes and different places in the master plan that he that God has for us.

[00:03:43] But, yeah, so I grew up in the Midwest, and now I am a small-town coastal girl in North Carolina, where I live with my husband and our four daughters, who are all between the ages of 15 and 20 right now. And so life is dynamic, to say the very least. But, you know, really kind of what got me here, it wasn't just the fact that I had four daughters.

[00:04:11] It was the fact that I was a young woman growing up, and I did not have personally a foundation of Christ growing up. And not really a foundation of worth, even by the world's standards or esteem or confidence. And so then when I went off, you know, moved seven hours away from home when I was 17 years old, you end up chasing your worth wherever you can find it. And that's certainly what I did, and it led down some corridors.

[00:04:38] And then I was hurt, and in the midst of the healing process, later on in my 20s, I am blessed with four daughters. And then I find or open the door to the Lord in my 30s, and it's just been this beautiful blossoming of what life is now. Even though, I mean, I'm 46. You know, life is not easy as a 46-year-old, especially a 46-year-old mama.

[00:05:04] But it is still this beautiful joy-filled blossom that I can take a hold of and see every day, even through the challenges. So, yeah, in the work I do, I love being able to help people that are impacting and influencing the lives of young women today to give them that foundation before they leave home. Yes. And so speaking of foundation, what inspired you when your girls were younger to start homeschooling?

[00:05:32] Well, so my girls were a little unique. I mean, back to what we were saying earlier. And, you know, my husband and I, we were public school kids through and through, you know, never questioned it. My parents never questioned it. It just was what it was. But then one of my daughters started reading really early, and I was just working with her. She was my only child for all of two and a half years. And so I was working with her, and we were doing things.

[00:06:00] And she started reading early, and then I had the twins, and they started. So, yeah, I have twins in the middle. Four kids, four years, twins in the middle. But so things just started happening earlier, and we tried to put them in traditional school. And we were actually told they really don't have a place here. They should find somewhere else to go, especially my oldest. And not because of any behavior things or anything.

[00:06:25] It's just that they didn't have anything that they could teach her because they were so busy instructing the whole class instead of being able to meet individual needs. And so we looked into a private school for a while, which we did. But by the time my oldest was in fifth grade, I just felt this huge pull. And coincidentally, that is around a year after I really opened the door to the Lord, and we started seeking the Lord in our family as well.

[00:06:53] But she was in fifth grade, and I just started hearing, you know, a little twinge of maybe this is something for you. And I was like, what? No. You know, I'm a biology psychology girl. Those are my, you know, my majors and what I studied. And I don't know anything about history and like all the things. I can't do that. And it just was persistent. And I'm so glad I ran into this woman outside of the elementary school one day.

[00:07:21] And at this point, I had a fifth grader, two second graders and a kindergartner. And she had homeschooled the year before, and her kids were back in traditional school. But what she told me was, I do not regret trying it at all. And if there is even the smallest part of you that is curious about what it could be like, then it is up to you to try that to see what this will look like for you. And so it just gave me permission.

[00:07:50] And I knew my kids were far enough ahead that even if I did massively screw this up, they would be okay. And yeah, they'd be okay. And so that's, I really made the decision. We pulled them all out. It was also coincided with when we were moving across the country. So a lot of places or a lot of things just lined up for us to give it a try for that one year. And it lasted for seven years.

[00:08:17] And it was a beautiful process, difficult, challenging, absolutely, but so beautiful. And I remember the last day of homeschooling that we had. And all of my kids are back in school for high school and college right now. But that last day I was sitting there and you can do homeschooling a million different ways. I was the up at the chalkboard or dry erase board with a marker, kids are taking notes type.

[00:08:47] Like I was teaching. And, but I was teaching history. And the very last line of our history book was, there is still so much yet to come. And we all burst out crying. And it was just this, and they came up and I'm going to cry right now. They all came up and we all hugged each other. And it was just this beautiful moment where we all just really appreciated the adventure that we had been through. Wow.

[00:09:15] For the last seven years and how we had grown together, how we had grown as individuals, and the bonds that had been created during that time. So I'm just so grateful for that seven years. Yes, there's absolutely nothing like that experience. And everybody's experience is super different. But just to hear that you were able to make those long lasting, deep connections with your kids during that season,

[00:09:44] that God gave you that season for a reason. And you were able to connect with them, but not only that, instill some values in them, instill this identity in them as well. Because, I mean, having our kids with us is a privilege to have them with us that often and that much. And when we're doing, when we have them in our homes, we're able to help them to see a different perspective on life. And something they wouldn't be able to do if they were out every day at school.

[00:10:14] And so I'm grateful for schools. My daughter's in school right now. And so I'm grateful for that. But I'm also super grateful for being able to help shape her identity while she was at home with me all these years. And so speaking of identity and worth, I'd like for you to kind of share your backgrounds and how, as far as how you mentioned that you're a former worth chaser.

[00:10:40] So I want to hear what that means and what that journey looked like for you. And then how did God shift your perspective on identity and your value? So, like I was saying earlier, growing up without, and, you know, no fault of my mom. I truly believe, you know, my dad died when I was super young. I was one when my dad passed away. She remarried when I was eight and had my brother and sister subsequently after that.

[00:11:08] And so she was busy and doing what she needed for, you know, the kids, i.e. my brother and sister. But, and she truly did do the best with what she had. But when I left, I truly did, you know, I waved goodbye to them from the step of the stoop of my dorm. And then I had nothing.

[00:11:31] It wasn't that I had something to stand on, to lean on, to rely on. I was completely wiped clean and had nothing from the moment she left. And when that happens, then I became anything that was close enough to me, right? And so at that point, it was my randomly selected by some algorithm roommate

[00:11:59] that was a party girl from Florida. Now we're in Indiana. I'm from Michigan and she's from Florida. And she was a party girl. I never knew this life, right? But she certainly seemed confident and like she knew what she was doing. So that's what I was like, I guess this is what we're doing tonight. You know, why are all you people out without coats? It's cold out. Oh, no, we don't wear coats. Okay, I guess that's what we don't, right? And so, you know, just these things and we kept going on.

[00:12:27] And it just, it propagated so many bad habits and so many bad decisions and choices and options that just during the first eight weeks of my college career, my entire life shifted. My entire identity shifted because I didn't have anything that I was standing firm on before. And I was chasing worth. Oh, you like, if I do this, you will like me?

[00:12:57] If I do this, I will have that award. If I do this, someone will see me, hear me, love me. I will belong. I will have purpose. Great. That is where I am going to go. And then later on, you know, when trauma happens, which trauma certainly happened in that first eight weeks, it takes, it's the spiraling effect of coming to grips with that one day you are absolutely fine. Everything is going nuts and that are going great.

[00:13:25] And then it will hit you sideways like a Mack truck. And you don't know what to do with what you're feeling and going through and seeing it and witnessing and being triggered by. And that really lasted for about 16 years. Whoa. 16 years. And at the tail end of that 16 years is when I, I, you know, met the Lord and opened the door to him and he was just there saying, let me take it for you. Let me take it for you.

[00:13:55] And I was like, no, I was like, no, I don't know who I am without this. I don't know. This is, this is sewn into my soul. This is a part of my DNA. I am not who I am. If I am not carrying the weight of this, even though it scrapes and scars my skin every single day, I cannot be without this. And that was a struggle. It was like an, you know, an Abraham, uh, you know, sized, uh, uh, struggle with the Lord

[00:14:24] there for a while until I finally gave it over. And what I've written, that was in 2012. So I've had, you know, a post life, if you will. And what I have really realized is when we don't have a foundation with the Lord, where we can find our, our worth in the Lord, we were created. He sacrificed for us. We are worthy. We are heard, seen, loved, belong and have purpose through him. Right. I think about Adam, honestly, Adam in the very beginning, right?

[00:14:55] He had a perfect relationship with the Lord. He was there, but the Lord looked at him and said, he needs somebody. Right. But God had to be his first. And then his human connection, his, his human partner had to be his second. And together they were very good. Right. But if we're only seeking connection through that human, that, that human connection, that will always fail us. It will always fail us, but God will not.

[00:15:24] But God knows that we also need that human connection. So it's this, it's this sequential, uh, series of finding your worth, if you will. And it has to be through God first and then through the people and the world and things like that. That's so true. That's yes. Yes. And then it took your life experiences to get you to this point where you knew my worth is not in myself and these, even the things that have happened to me, the traumas that have happened, my worth is in Jesus.

[00:15:54] And so for him to show you that, um, is so loving and kind. And now you're able to take your story and share the value with other people and with, with your kids and you're sharing, you're helping moms to share that with their kids as well. So what are some common struggles that you see in young women today that are dealing with self-worth? Because you, you've experienced it, you know. Yeah.

[00:16:20] So share with us how we can see that, how we can just kind of, uh, point it out or see when it's happening. That way we can be proactive in speaking into those areas in our kids. Well, first I want to just take a reflection on the other side of those five pillars of worth. I talked about, you know, seeing, heard, love, belong, and purpose. You know, the opposite of being seen is feeling invisible. Right.

[00:16:45] And everything, everything I have yet to be countered on this. Every issue that I see with young women, young men, and frankly, people today rest in these five, one or more of them lacking and finding these, the shadow side of them. So to be seen or to be invisible, right. To be heard or to be silenced, uh, to be loved or unloved, to belong or not feel like you belong

[00:17:13] anywhere and to have purpose and to think you don't matter. There's no point. Right. And it all boils down to those. So then I'm like, what is feeding into these shadow sides of these pillars of worth? And it really comes down to, of course, comparison. Comparison is always going to be there, right? It was there from the very beginning. It was what the enemy used at the very beginning, right? Envy and comparison.

[00:17:40] Well, what do you think and doubt just seeding those things. So there's comparison, there's perfectionism, right? And, uh, well, and with comparison, what you want to do, especially as a parent is make sure that they know they're in their own lane and being a parent with four kids sitting at my table and we were doing group work. Of course, all four of them have different abilities and qualifications and natural tendencies and learning tendencies and, and things like that.

[00:18:09] So you need to make sure that, oh, you know, just because I don't know, Trinity is, you know, doing this, it doesn't mean that Lana is going to do the same thing. She might come about the answer differently. She might not come about the answer. Maybe have, you know, Trinity help her come about the answer and have some of that, that, uh, that teaching time come in first. So she can even solidify it more. Um, so comparison, making sure they know they are on their own, uh, trajectory and God created

[00:18:37] them and them alone for the work that he has set apart for them. Um, then there's perfectionism. What I see really with perfectionism today, obviously social media plays a part into this. I mean, you see these kids that I, I go to, I'm a camp counselor and a youth leader and all these things. And I see these kids there, you know, they wake up and they do their hair and they do their makeup and everything in the morning. And then they take a picture. They're like, oh, just woke up. I was like, no, you did not.

[00:19:07] You did not just wake up. Don't you even try to play that? And so, um, you know, there's, there's the perfectionism there, but what I really see is parents trying to be perfect parents today because we're afraid not to be. We're afraid of the ridicule. We're afraid of the, you know, the backside and the lashing out that we could get of our own comparison demons that we might have. And honestly, it can be a little scary today because I mean, you can get a village out there

[00:19:35] with pitchforks super easy today compared to when you could have before. And so, but as a parent, if you're having a hard day, let them know you're having a hard day and let them see you fall down and let them see you get back up. Yes. And that is one of the biggest lessons that you can teach them is that you are not perfect and you do not expect them to be perfect either. Yes. Um, then there's people pleasing, uh, which is, uh, proliferative today and trying to do

[00:20:04] all the things that's a part of chasing worth identity shifting. Um, who can I be for who now and when, um, because I want to fit in, it feeds into those worth, right? I want to be long. So what do I need to do in this room in order to belong? What do I need to do in that room in order to belong? And, but making sure you always belong to God, right? Making sure you're always following is, is this good in the, in the sight of God right now? Right. Is this good in pleasing to the Lord right now?

[00:20:31] That's the, the audience that you need to be concerned about the most by far. And the last one, which is an epidemic today is distraction. Distraction is going to take you away from your worth because you will start listening to the world more than you will listen to the people that love you more than, uh, you will be able to listen to the Lord or anything. So those are really the things that we need to fight against as parents in order to help build

[00:20:58] up the positive side of those worth pillars of being seen, heard, loved, belong, and have purpose. Oh, I love this. Um, wow. I'm just, I'm soaking it in right now because you, you've said a lot and it's so much that I, you know, we don't have to go back and listen to it and really drink it in because what you're saying is that we are the training ground to helping our kids see that they don't have to

[00:21:24] compare, um, that their worth is in who God has created them to be not in comparing with what other people are doing because they are unique. They are special. God created them for a purpose, for a reason, and they need to find that purpose and having mom and dad helping to guide them in that direction and encouraging them, encouraging them that they can do all things through Christ, that they are special and unique and their uniqueness

[00:21:53] is acceptable. It's desirable. It's desired. It's needed. And bringing that to the forefront is everything. And I think that's what we should be doing as parents. I, I love your resources. I love what you're talking about here because it's really important in 2025 and beyond that we encourage our students, our kids to be confident in the creation that God made when he created them for who they are. And I just love this.

[00:22:21] And so can you share just, I think you have a resource that I want us to look at because this is conversations we can have as moms with our daughters when we're raising daughters. But I think this probably is helpful for sons and daughters, right? So absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. Share with us about it. Okay. Yeah. So I have the 40 scriptures and conversations to have when raising daughters.

[00:22:46] I have a paper copy here that I have, but it's an ebook that you can just get off of my website as well. But what's really important is that you go through these, each one of them. And it always, it starts with scripture and then it has some questions and then it has some journal and just discussion prompts that you can have together as a family. And I have done this. We've done it together as a family, just after dinner, spend 10, 15 minutes sitting around in the living room and do it.

[00:23:15] Or you can do it in one-on-one time, which I highly encourage every parent to have. Yes. Even if you homeschool and you're with them all the time, have special set aside one-on-one time with your child every week. So I have four kids. My husband does it with two of them and I do it with two of them every week. And then the next week we switch. And this even goes for our college kid. We do it over Zoom.

[00:23:40] And so, and what's so beautiful is she, she's 20 now, you know, she's, she's not even coming home over this summer because she has a job and she texts me. She's like, when are we having one-on-one time today? And so it's important. And it just makes them know this is a time that I can be seen and heard. And I ask the questions and, and not only just directed at her, but she gets to know me on a personal level too. I'm not just mom. I'm a person.

[00:24:09] I am a woman that is trying my very best to live in this crazy world. And we're doing this together as a team, as a family. And so anyway, you can do these 40 scriptures and conversations during that time as well. Just take, you know, one a week, if you will. It doesn't matter how long it takes to get through this for you. What matters is that you are working on it, being intentional about it, breaking open. It's great if she has her Bible open there and you can help her find it in there and navigating

[00:24:39] that. And really just instead of reading the words, actually read the meaning behind that and, and see, you know, what the Lord is speaking to you both through that, that conversation. That's beautiful. And Nellie, what you just mentioned about as our kids are growing older, it doesn't, our parenting doesn't stop and we're still there for them and they still need us. And I'm reminded of that as, you know, my, my kids are older and I have a 23 year old now and, and just trying to keep that line of communication open.

[00:25:09] It's not easy when everyone's busy on different schedules, but what you guys have done is you made it intentional to do this one-on-one time with your kids. And I think that is a life lesson that each parent, each of us listening today can, can learn from you and to encourage ourselves that we can keep doing this, that it doesn't stop just because they're 18 and they're off in college. And so I love that you have a resource for that to encourage us to go down that road and continue that journey of connecting with our kids.

[00:25:38] So it's called 40 scriptures and conversations to have when raising daughters and where can moms access this and where can our listeners connect with you? Just kind of give us all the places we can find you. All the places. Well, I like to keep it super simple. So, um, my website, Nellie Harden.com, um, has all of my social channels on there. Uh, I have a really big, um, Pinterest, uh, collection that you can, uh, go to from there

[00:26:07] and Instagram and Facebook community. Um, but it's all, you can get to it all through my website, through communities, along with in the books, uh, section, you can get to 40 scriptures. And there is a robust resources section on that website as well. Very cool. So very simple, Nellie Harden.com, right? And we can go there and find everything, including the journal. Nellie, is there anything that you want to share as far as one, maybe last bit of encouragement

[00:26:36] on the show today for homeschool moms? Well, I think especially for homeschool moms, uh, one of the beautiful things that we get to do is like you were saying, just really foster and shape, uh, and identity as we're, as we're, uh, growing these kids and raising them up to be the adults that they can be. And one saying that we have around our house that I say quite often, probably daily is discipline

[00:27:05] yourself so others don't have to. And so my, I have a 15 year old and right now she's probably the one I say it to most right now. Right. And, you know, study habits and she loves to make herself super busy, but then she gets super overwhelmed. And so we have to have consistent conversations about discipline yourself. So others don't have to, and ask permission into that to say, I'm not seeing you discipline yourself right now.

[00:27:33] So I'm going to have to step in and do that for you right now. Okay. All right. This is what's going to happen. And so they know that the baton is right there and it's theirs to grab, but if they don't take it up, then you have to step in. And I've been doing that for years since they were little, just knowing that they have the power, uh, in order to do that for themselves. Yeah. I love that. Empowering our kids to do what's right for themselves. So this has all been so helpful and so encouraging.

[00:28:01] And so I'm just grateful that you decided to chat with me today on the podcast and just thank you so much for being here today. Oh, thank you so much for having me.