199. So the Kids Are Grown… Now What? with Tara L Banks

[00:00:00] Hi everyone, welcome to the Christian Moms Café podcast. And I have a wonderful guest today that I can't wait to talk with because we're going to be talking about something that is hitting really home with me right now. And our guest today is Tara Banks and she's an author, speaker and a longtime worship pastor who loves finding God in the everyday moments of life. And she's written some books. They are Waiting on Wonders.

[00:00:46] Finding Everyday Fruit and her newest release, which is The Launch. And so we're going to explore what, you know, having children who are leaving home, who are growing up, what that's all about. But first off, thank you so much for being here, Tara. And I appreciate just the conversation we're about to have. Yeah, thank you so much. I'm so excited to be with you today and to get to chat about all things motherhood.

[00:01:12] Yes, all things motherhood. Yeah. And part of that is, you know, the pain of letting go. But we're going to get into that in just a moment. Can you just tell us about yourself, your family, and maybe some things that make you happy that are bringing you joy in this season? Okay, great. So yes, so I am have the honor and privilege of being married to my husband for 30 summers. We just celebrated 30 years.

[00:01:38] Congratulations. Thank you so much. And we have two boys who are 25 and 19. My 25 year old is married and has a beautiful, wonderful, we have a, we have a daughter in love that we love.

[00:01:56] And my 19 year old is a sophomore in college. And so we are, we are in that stage, we are empty nesters, and learning how to do all of that. But yes, so as you mentioned, I've written a few books, I love to talk about experiencing God's presence in everyday moments.

[00:02:16] And a part of that I kind of uncovered as I was homeschooling my children when they were small. And so they have done sort of all, all different types of schooling. We've done private school, public school, homeschooling, hybrid homeschooling. So we've kind of run the gamut. But loved each season. And God just showed up in every season, showed himself faithful to us. And yeah, so here we are.

[00:02:42] Here you are. I love that you, you talked about all the transitions you went through in terms of types of education and so similar to our story as well. So yeah, I remember just going through all the different types of homeschooling options, and in addition to private school and public school and all that's right. And it comes to life comes with transitions. I wanted to just hear a little bit more about your recent transitions, because you said you have a 19 year old in college.

[00:03:10] So what was that like when you launched into your emptiness or season because I'm currently in that? Yeah, we just launched our daughter, our baby off to college last week. And so we are empty. And I don't know if that's the best way to put it. Yeah. Empty nest sounds so, so morbid. It does. It does.

[00:03:35] Yeah. But yeah, the household is definitely just ticking on a different rhythm right now. And we're getting adjusted to it. It's only been a week for us. So what was that like for you? It was very difficult. And I wish that I would have had more resources around me to be able to help me in the process.

[00:03:58] I just don't feel like enough people talk about it. And I don't feel like I feel like, you know, obviously, every parent who has a child that goes off to college experiences that kind of heartbreak and managing the tension between being so excited and proud of them. Right. And yet so devastatingly heartbroken that your family dynamic is changing. And so trying to balance both of those emotions in your heart at the same time is really, really hard.

[00:04:25] And so that's kind of where I have found myself as we've launched our baby. You know, last year was his official launch out of the house. But then he came back for the summer and we did it all over again. And so. Yeah. And so. They do come back. They do come back. They do come back. Yes, but it was. It's just been. It's been a difficult yet beautiful transition time in our life.

[00:04:56] And yeah, I just wish that more people would be, you know, having these conversations about the impact that it has on your family. I would love to hear more about that piece that you just said. Difficult, but beautiful. Tell us about the beautiful part of it. The beautiful part of it is, is my husband and I are learning to reconnect in ways that we haven't in 20 years. You know, and it's, it has been really wonderful to be able to be like, oh, I remember when we used to have fun.

[00:05:26] Right. Go do things together. 20 years ago. We have laughed so much about that and made fun of ourselves, you know, feeling like, oh, we've kind of forgotten. What it's like to be married and our lives, not that our lives have rotated around our children, but of course they have been an integral part of our family. And so we have kind of forgotten what it's like to do life, just the two of us.

[00:05:54] And so that has been fun to rediscover that and has brought, you asked earlier, like what's bringing you joy? What's bringing me joy is getting to know my husband in a new and different way in this season. And that's been really special and, and sort of an unexpected gift in the middle of what feels like managing heartbreak, you know? Yeah. That's something I think I'm, I'm looking forward to the most. Yeah.

[00:06:20] Um, because we have all this free space in our, in our days and our weekends now. And so I'm just like, what can we do? What can we get into? Like there's so many staycations we could take things we can do together. Just couldn't before, because our lives did revolve around drop off and pick up at school and the kids. So, um, yeah. Thank you for just reminding us that there is, there's some, some hope. There's life after the empty nest. Yes. Yes.

[00:06:48] So the whole idea though, is kind of letting go little by little. So, um, what have you learned about releasing your kids while staying connected to them as adults? Hmm. Yes. What I'm learning about, um, and still very much learning, I do not have this figured out, but what I'm learning about parenting, uh, we, we lovingly call them baby adults.

[00:07:09] Um, our baby, our baby adults is, um, I read a quote that I feel like sums it up and it says something to the effect of, um, this is the season where you learn to parent from the front porch instead of from the sidelines. Oh. And I really liked that because to me, what that means is, um, they know they have a, uh, a home.

[00:07:35] They know they have a place to always come back to should they ever need it. Um, the safety of the nest, if you will. Um, however, the goal of parenting is that they launch. The goal is if we do it right, that they do leave. And even though that is really difficult, um, that's what I'm learning in this season is how to parent from the front porch instead of right there with them on the sidelines of life. You know? Yeah.

[00:08:05] I love that analogy. The front porch. I do too. I do too. And so cheering for them, um, from the safety of the front porch and from, you know, the place of, of love and security. And I'm here for you yet, just not being involved in the everyday, you know, micro of their life. Yeah. And that takes a lot of, um, inward reflection work as well as we're entering our new seasons of life. Right.

[00:08:33] And then having to kind of let go, not, not, you know, cutting off, but letting go of what used to be and allowing ourselves to evolve ourselves and our kids to evolve into this new, new phase of life, accepting and embracing what's ahead and not being afraid of it. Cause that's right. Fear is what causes us to cut off things. And, and also fear causes us to want to hold on too tightly.

[00:09:00] So either it's two extremes, either we're cutting it off or we're, we're clinging too tightly. And I think just that transition of, of, uh, knowing that what's in the past still matters and it still counts today. And then moving forward is, is probably the healthiest approach, although hard, but although hard. And it doesn't discount to your point, it doesn't discount everything that the last years have held and how precious that is. It's just, you're walking into a new season.

[00:09:29] And with, with our kids, we have just, we've kind of tried to take on the mentality of, you know, in those early years, you parent from the power of your, of, of your authority. You know, you are the parent in their life. And now we're transitioning to parenting from the power of our influence. And it's, it's again, managing the transition from A to B. Right. Right. We can't dictate what they do as adults.

[00:09:57] And they are now little mini adults. They're going to be, you know, progressing. And so our job is to instill that, um, I guess that confidence in them to become who, who they're meant to be. And that's right. Clipping their wings. And so I like what you said about just releasing them to do what they need to do, uh, figure it out, use their, use their logic and their own reasoning. Everything we've already instilled within them. They know what to do.

[00:10:26] And then they can come back to a safe nest when they need us. They can ask us questions. We're here to advise and support from the porch. That's right. We're on the front porch. Yeah. Yep. Well, you have in your books, uh, you, you've written a lot about God in like noticing him in the ordinary everyday moments. So how has that practice helped you through the, these particular seasons we're talking about of change of uncertainty and even through disappointment?

[00:10:56] Oh, that's, it's so great. Um, you know, the Lord is so faithful and so good to be near to us. Um, it's just our sort of responsibility to raise our awareness to his presence. Um, the word says that he's always with us. He'll never leave us or forsake us. And I believe that to be true. Um, but it's our job to be aware of that.

[00:11:19] And we, um, can find him in just everyday ordinary moments in your kitchen, um, in the carpool line. If you've got younger kids or, you know, whatever, it's like, you can, you can find him in all of those moments. If you just invite him, his presence into those moments and acknowledge that he is there with you. And so in this transition time, uh, what that's kind of looked like for me is, is when I'm feeling sad, I invite him into the sadness and just say, Lord, I'm, I'm having a hard time today.

[00:11:48] I'm looking around and I'm, I'm seeing an empty room that I wish my son was in. And would you just be near to me right now and, you know, help me in, in just in this moment or, um, uh, you know, just a few minutes ago, um, actually my oldest called, he called from the airport. And he said, he said, I know you've traveled a lot more than, than I have. I've got some questions. Can you help me out doing, you know, these types of things?

[00:12:14] And I just began sort of in my mind to, to pray, Lord, be, be with him. I'll be, let your presence be with him in this moment. Just these tiny little moments there at the airport, help him to feel a sense of peace, you know, and help me to recognize that this is a precious moment that he has reached out to ask for advice. And Lord, thank you for, you know, just that little precious moment. And I recognize your presence in that.

[00:12:38] Um, so just, just some, some little things, but it's just about raising our awareness to God's ever presentness with us. He's always with us. Always. And because he's with us, he's also with our kids. That's right. And then when they call and, and they're asking for support, we can share that, that sense of peace. Like, okay, God is with me. He's also with you. And let's just, you know, keep this going.

[00:13:05] Like knowing that God will never leave you nor forsake you. Even if I can't be there for you, God is there all the time. Absolutely. That, I guess that's part of the transition for us is we're able to trust God with our kids. Oh, that, that's, it's just like all the way around. Like, that's what it is. That's it. And to know, yes. And to know that he loves them so much more than we could ever imagine, you know, loving them. So, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's good.

[00:13:34] It's a good reminder. Like I'm marinating on that right now because I need this this morning. Yeah. So thank you for this conversation. Absolutely. It's like tender for me, but I want to know a little bit about your worship ministry. So we do have it in common. So I love, you know, worship and I do some worship leading at church sometimes. And I see that you spent 20 years serving in worship ministry. So I have.

[00:14:01] Tell us about that as far as how it shaped your faith, because, you know, just singing at home and, you know, like loving God in the privacy of your home, like singing to the Lord is very different than leading people into the presence of God through worship. That is a ministry. That is a ministry. And it's, it's, it's, it's, it's something that it comes with a little pressure because, you know, you're, you're actually helping to facilitate a beautiful worship experience.

[00:14:31] And so how have, how has that affected you and shaped your faith? And then I have like a second part of that moment, but let's start with that. Sure. Sure. So I have had just the absolute honor and privilege of being able to lead worship in the same church for over 20 years. And I am just so grateful to have had that opportunity.

[00:14:57] Um, and it, it is absolutely shaped my faith. Um, and the, the honor that I have to stand on a platform and to be able to help people again, experience God's presence, um, is something that I do not take lightly at all. Um, and I just, I don't know, it's, it's just such a huge part of my life and, um, has shaped so much of who I am.

[00:15:26] Um, actually, um, the, my, my first book waiting on wonders was actually written out of an experience that I had with the Lord, uh, leading worship, which was the Lord, you know, began to stir in my heart. You know, that you can experience my presence when you're standing on a platform. You know, that you can experience my presence when you're reading the Bible or in a small group or that kind of thing. But can you experience my presence when you're doing the laundry?

[00:15:54] Can you experience my presence when you are, you know, I don't know, you know, watering your plants or whatever. Right. And I started to unpack that a little bit with the Lord. And I was like, you know what? I know the path to your presence on a platform. I know the path to your presence when I'm reading my Bible and praying.

[00:16:13] I don't know that I know the path to your presence when I'm watering my plants and, you know, when I am folding the laundry or changing a diaper or whatever it is, you know? And that's the, that book came out of that conversation with the Lord. So it has shaped my faith greatly. And that's when I just sort of began the journey of learning to raise my awareness to God's presence in everyday moments, not just the day ones. I love that. Everyday moments.

[00:16:44] And I love how you, you brought us from the stage to, to the, the mundane everyday room, the kitchen, the bedroom, the everywhere. Because that's where life is. Yeah. That's where life is. I mean, the leading worship and you will know this, but that's, you know, a few minutes on the weekend. Right. That is not your real life. Absolutely not. And so, you know, it's, it's, we need to be able to access God's presence. And again, he is with us always.

[00:17:14] We just need to access his presence in our normal life. Yeah. So yeah. Yeah. That's where that came from. How do you, how do you see worship having kind of followed you into these different seasons of your life as a woman, as a wife, navigating these different seasons? Just how, how has that been for you now that you're in this season? Yeah. You know, worship takes on a different, I'm sure it takes on a different tone than it did when you were changing diapers.

[00:17:42] So we kind of already touched on that a little bit, but just kind of like, let's explore what that, how, how it's different now. Oh no, absolutely. Well, you know, it, it is, it's from a place of worship that you truly are able to express your heart to God. Right. And it's, it's a dialogue. You are, you're speaking to him. He in turn is speaking to you. And it's been in all of these different seasons where I've been able to bring my true heart before the Lord.

[00:18:12] Joy, sorrow, confusion, you know, needing wisdom, all of that. Um, and the, I guess sort of the vehicle for that for me has been worship. And I've been able to express my heart to the Lord and to share, allow him to minister to me as I minister to him, um, in all, in all of those different seasons.

[00:18:36] And I think there's no better way for us to, um, to use the phrase, you know, it, it's, it's his breath in our lungs. And so we have to give it back to him, right? He breathed it in us. And so it's, our life is just to admit as meant to be worship as unto him. And so we just breathe in that right back to him.

[00:18:57] Um, and, and that means the everyday normal things, you know, is worship back to him as we just kind of share our life with him, if you will. But anyway, worship has just been, worship has been incredibly impactful in my life. And, and really just that vehicle where I, I sense his presence and, um, am able to connect with him best in that way. Yes. Yes. I almost said, amen. Yes. Amen.

[00:19:26] Because, um, I was like, as you were talking and you, you, you mentioned the song, it's your breath in my lungs. And so now I can't get the song out of my head, but now we all need to sing. Yeah. I just love that, that this, like you said, it's all about giving it back to him.

[00:19:44] And, um, I don't know, it's just that thought of we are the vessel through which, you know, God uses to be his hands and feet in this world, to love others, to share his love and to, to be a light. Um, but everything we're doing is because he's giving us the voice, giving us the oxygen, everything that we need to. To, to me.

[00:20:08] So in every season of our lives, he's with us and he empowers us to accomplish anything we need to. Um, I, I want to hear a little bit about your book though, the line. Yeah. Um, what is the launch about? And for those of us who are, um, in these transitions of, you know, getting our kids off into their next stage of life and experiencing empty nest. Um, yes. Tell us how the launch can be helpful to us.

[00:20:37] That is great question. So the launch actually started as some entries on Substack. So as an author, I like to write on Substack. And, uh, uh, actually two years ago when my son was getting ready to, my, my baby was getting ready to launch. Um, I just needed a space to process.

[00:20:59] And so for the six days leading up to him leaving for college, I just got on Substack every day and in real time processed out loud, real and raw emotion as to what was happening that day. And, um, so then fast forward a year and, um, I decided, you know what? I feel like it was helpful for me to say these things out loud and to get it out into the open.

[00:21:29] This might be helpful for somebody else. And so I wrote an introduction and, um, re sort of edited those six entries. So they weren't so raw and then wrote a bit of a conclusion, what I have learned a year later and put it all together. And that is the launch and released it as an ebook, um, on Amazon, um, earlier this year.

[00:21:54] And the feedback that I have gotten from it is mostly moms, but a lot of dads too. And the consensus is, thank you. I'm so glad someone is saying this all out loud and that you are able to, um, they feel like they've got a friend who is identifying with them in the same season that they're in feeling the same things, managing the same tensions.

[00:22:22] Um, and, um, it's been, they've been very kind. People have been kind to say that it's been helpful. So, okay. Yeah. I think all of us who are going through this need to be reading the launch. And, um, do you have any plans to put it in paperback or? Not at this point. It's a short little ebook. It's, um, you can, it's, I think it's like less than 50 pages. I mean, you can read it in under an hour. All right. It's just a short little download it on Amazon.

[00:22:51] It is just a short little read, uh, meant to be something that you might read even on the car ride home from dropping them off. Oh, wow. Yeah. You know, just something to keep your mind busy. Um, but yes, yes. But it's just a short little ebook. And so at this point I don't have, um, plans to put it, um, to paper, but I might. Okay. Okay. Oh, well, thank you for what you've done.

[00:23:19] Um, and for kind of just listening to the Holy spirit to like do this book, to make it happen and put it into fruition as you were processing in real time. Like that's the raw emotions of that is something you can't capture. Like, you know, a year later it has to be at that moment. So thank you. Yeah.

[00:23:39] And so for the mom who like us, who is approaching emptiness, um, they're already wondering like, what are they going to do now that our kids are leaving? Uh, what advice, encouragement, inspiration, what would you say to her right now? Like we've, you've said so many things already that's encouraging in this episode, but just give us like that, that one kind of thing that you'd want her to know.

[00:24:05] Um, um, just embrace the moment that you're in. I spent a lot of time, honestly, dreading the launch and dreading. Oh no. Like I've only, I've only got another year with them or I've only got four more days with them or whatever, instead of being fully present in the moment that we were in right then. And so that is, it's really hard to do. It's very easy to say.

[00:24:35] It's very hard to do, but I would just say to that mom, if you are approaching the launch, whether it is that you're sending a child, um, off to college for the first time, or maybe that child is graduating from college and moving on to their adult life.

[00:24:51] No matter the stage, I would just say, just embrace the current season that you're in because there is so much goodness that is actually happening in that season that you don't want to look back and be like, Oh, I missed it because I was so worried about the next season. Yeah. And I think that probably goes for every stage of motherhood. That's true. That's true because it all goes by so quickly. And it's like you blink and you're in another stage. Like what happened to the top of years, what happened to, you know, the school age, like it's, it's gone already.

[00:25:21] It passes quickly. But I love that you said that if we don't, you know, have remorse for what's ahead and like in fear and trepidation, oh no, we only have a few days left or a few weeks left. And instead enjoying those moments in the moment while we can. And just, and I think that's what the word of God says, you know, take no thought for tomorrow and, you know, just, you know, enjoying the moment. That that's definitely a biblical principle that if we live by that, we wouldn't worry so much.

[00:25:51] And we could let go more easily because we're in the moment. So, and there's peace in that. So thank you for reminding us to stay in the moment and stay encouraged and it's all going to work out. It's all going to be, all going to be okay. God is with your kids. It is. It is. Nothing to figure. So tell us the places that you said Amazon and are there any other places where we can find out more about what you do and your work?

[00:26:20] Thank you for asking. So yes, my books are available anywhere. You can get books online. Amazon is the, you know, the easiest spot. But also I have some resources available as well as links to those books at my website, which is TaraLBanks.com. And then I write pretty regularly on Substack under the same name, Tara L Banks. So would love to connect with people there or on Instagram at Tara L Banks.

[00:26:49] You'll see a theme here. So basically anywhere, anywhere online and on my website, Substack and Instagram. That's the best place to catch up with me. Perfect. Perfect. I love that. And yeah, I've really been getting into Substack more recently, reading more. So I can't wait. But I appreciate your time with us, Tara. This has been a blessing. Loved it. So yeah.

[00:27:15] And I just encourage everyone to go to your website, which we will have all the links in the show notes. And to, for those of us who are struggling right now with our letting go, that we will read your books and be encouraged. So thank you so much for being here today. Thank you. Thank you. It's been great to be with you.