After a misfire kills her father, Natasha spins into the depths of depression and questions her faith and God. Hear her story of how her renewed faith took her from darkness to standing tall and living life again.
Natasha has recorded several Contemporary Christian albums, a Christmas album, and her newest release, "American Patriot."
www.natashaowensmusic.com
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Yeah, I had been in church all my life.
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We had started to Branch away from you on a Pentecost before
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the first Faith, shaking thing happened in my life. 12 years
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ago, my dad was sitting at a table cleaning his guns.
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It was a bullet in the chamber went on, one went off and hit
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him in the heart and life is, I knew it was just gone.
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I question everything I questioned.
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Why did this happen? And why is such a dangerous
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question? Because nine times out of ten.
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We won't get an answer. I have to.
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Now, I know to ask, what do I need to learn and who do I need
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to help but I spoke negativity and I down sprayed myself into a
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deep depression a year after he was gone and it was my pastor
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that asked me to be a music Minister.
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Six months into my depression, that was the worst timing ever,
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to asked me to step up and take that position, I suffered with
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in severe anxiety. I didn't think I was equipped to
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be a music Minister, but he kept calling, and he called me on a
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day that I can say, I would not be alive today.
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If it wasn't for God. And him crossing my path when he
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did, I took that position and it took years to dig out but
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through that entire recovery process, I really developed a
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relationship with God that I never had through religion and
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growing up. I thought I was Anchored In
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Christ and I was not. And so I'm thankful to be alive
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today. That was a training ground for
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what I'm doing now. And I didn't even realize it
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looking back on my music career. Every CD is another Chapter of
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my recovery from making it through to Rising above to being
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a warrior and then truly standing on Christ.
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Yeah, that's awful about your dad.
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I can't tell you how many times I've been asked and this would
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be for I had my own experiences like that I've lost a sister.
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I lost a daughter at nine years old so sorry.
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Um yeah and it changes your whole perspective.
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So before that it's easier to counsel people and when it
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happens to you you know what someone should say to you and it
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wasn't me. But I would get questions.
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Like, this is one specific and question, I had was someone
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calls me, says a buddy of mine. You know, that I go to church
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with won't go to church anymore. He, all of a sudden, doesn't
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believe in God anymore because his father died, that's when it
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hits at how Faith how real your faith is.
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Or like you're saying, if you survive it, you gotta have the
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faith grounded deep. To survive it or it's got to
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become deep on the other end to get out of it.
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That's correct. My mind became deep on the other
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end. A spec up to that day, you know,
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my dad was the epitome of gun safety.
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He was dealing with a Glock and with a Glock, most police
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departments have, banned them, because they're so dangerous.
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When you clean them, they need to be turned upside down
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pointing towards you. You pull the trigger to take the
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slide off? And so, this was a gun that my
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dad had kind of It from my uncle.
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My uncle was murdered about 7 years prior to my dad dying with
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a gun. He was shot.
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This was the this wasn't the gun that he was shot with.
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But this was the only gun that he only thing he got from his
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brother so he felt really close to him.
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He normally did safety checks, my mom said he forgot a safety
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check. She believed when they went to
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the gun range a month before he stopped to help her and then
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didn't go back to it. So he thought I do believe that
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he thought the the chamber was clear and it was not so So, you
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know, having to go through the shock of that having to
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understand that it was, nobody's blame but my father's he
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actually pulled the trigger. One thing that would that helped
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me through it. The next day after it happened,
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five police officers status down, and was able to tell us
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everything that happened. Why it happened?
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What he was thinking and that it was 100% an accident, which
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helped get gave give us a little bit of closure, but I hung onto
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all these questions of. Why did it happen Godfather?
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Allow it to happen dad, why did you not check?
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You know, I went up blame my father anyway, all that just
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turned into a mush of bitterness and anger, you know, the
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scripture tells us in the Bible and Proverbs that we have the
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power of life and death in our tongue and that's where it
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started with me. I started verbalizing these
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things and then that led to I don't feel.
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I don't feel God anywhere. I think you've left me.
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Is there ever, what was there ever a God?
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So I think it's a natural. Process.
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When we go through something Faith shaking to go through all
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of these steps. One thing, the church, the
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church has failed in a lot of society has failed in a lot of
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Arenas, including mental health and including recovery.
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And so one thing about grief people, always, they want to
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come to the funeral. They want to hug you, they want
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to say the right thing. They want to say something that
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will comfort you. So many times, you just need a
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hug what they say makes you worse.
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Well, they're in a better place. Well, really, how do you know
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that, right? I feel like that.
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They'd be in a better place if they were down here.
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One thing, there's a couple things that God showed me
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through this whole thing. One, there's nothing we can do
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to cause him to love us any less or any more than he already
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does. We can't buy his love with
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Works. Nor can we disappoint him so
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much, that he stops loving us. I felt so guilty, and I ran ran
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in the other direction because I felt ashamed of how I acted.
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And what I said, Felt like it was a point.
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I couldn't turn turn back to him.
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What the other thing that I found in this world that we live
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in is that God gives us the Power of Choice.
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He wants us to love him and because of that he gives us the
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power of choice and people. Make bad decisions.
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People hurt others. But he and I know he has the
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power to prevent it. I know he has the power to come
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in, but sometimes it's just not in his plan, right?
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And so many things we don't understand.
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And we think that dying is a punishment dying is but it
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really is a reward when you when you look at certain scriptures
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in the Bible. So we can't we don't think like
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God, right. But one thing that is very clear
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through my path and Through the Bible is its illuminated.
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That God is always with the Brokenhearted.
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He always helps put you back together, he always makes good
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of your hurt. It's all about getting healing
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and then help. Being someone else along the way
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and that's how you find your purpose in your healing and
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life. So I don't know if I answered
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your question, but, you know, I don't have all the answers, but
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I do know that God allows Power of Choice.
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He allows mistakes to be made, but yet he shows up on the other
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side and helps us put ourselves back together, Beauty does Come
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From Ashes. Right?
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Right, you know, be even before that happen, God had a plan for
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you, I would have it. But there's still that anger or
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why didn't he stop it? But that's really not usually
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typically not the way things work.
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He usually just seems to build out of life's tragedies to make
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us stronger as we go on, you know, and back to people you
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were talking about what people don't know what to say.
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I remember a month after my daughter had passed away.
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I mean, I was beside myself. I couldn't.
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I totally don't. Even use the phrase anymore that
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it you take one day at a time, it was like one breath at a
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time. I mean, it was the first time I
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ever noticed, I had to think to breathe.
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And yes, that's exactly what and you can't keep moving but
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the world revolves around you. Yeah.
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That's a great way to explain it.
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It is I had a woman come to me who had years and years earlier
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had had a 20 year old son kill himself.
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And she immediately came to me in private and she didn't, she's
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the only one that and say, take one day at a time.
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She said, take a moment at a time and if you're going to work
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work, try set goals, set goals to set your mind on something
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for 15 minutes, right? You know, it was just someone,
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understood this process. I had a pastor, tell me after a
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month, but it's time to get back on that horse.
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Wow, I'm thinking Yeah, it's been 13 years.
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I think I'm walking the horse now, but I don't know, but it is
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a process and it's great having people around, but I think I've
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learned, I think it really humbled me in a faith journey to
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Understand people's pain or even understand that hurt.
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People hurt people. You never know what somebody is
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going through. That's right, you know, people
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don't fake depression, they fake happiness.
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And so yeah, I would put on a smile and and shake my head and
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I had it down pat. Everything is just wonderful,
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but if you really knew, or if you really looked at my eyes,
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you would see that that wasn't the case.
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So you just never know what people are going through and you
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have to be so careful in what you say because that could down
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spiral them even more. That's right.
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So you had someone ask you to be a music minister at your church
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while While you were in this depressive state after about a
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year. Yeah, I down Sprout, into
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depression, that was six months into my depression, when my
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pastor called and he said, I need you to step up and be our
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music Minister. And I saw the first of all, I'm
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not qualified. Secondly, I have severe anxiety,
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thirdly, I'm dealing with depression, and if I had
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something to give, I would give it to my family, not to you.
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So I was just very, very angry and hurtful to him, and he just
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said, well think about it. And I thought, I don't know.
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I can say this more. Clear.
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So he kept calling and he kept calling.
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And finally, the last time he called, he said, I don't want
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you to say one word, you know, as southern women, we can talk
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forever. He said, I want you to listen
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that something you haven't done, and he began to start telling me
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how I felt. And I know those were God's
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words because it penetrated beyond that wall beyond that
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exterior, shell that I had put up and I just started bawling.
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And he said, I just feel like You are just so tired.
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And I said, I am. I mind I just want to rest and I
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said, you know, people think that suicide is the most selfish
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thing that you can do. But to a person who is suicidal,
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it's the, it's the one thing that they could do, that would
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relieve. We convince ourselves that we
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are a burden and that it would be a good thing for that to
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happen. And it turns into being very
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selfless in our eyes, right? So he said, I just feel like
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this is your last Lifeline, if you don't take it.
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He just, he got through to me that day, and I remember saying
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yes to it before, I really even engage my brain into making the
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decision. And it was one of the hardest
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things I had ever done, but it saved me, you know, I told him,
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I said, I can't read my Bible, I can't pray.
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Is that the type of music Ministry, you want to put up on
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your platform and he said that's the type that God wants.
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And it's a process. You will get there.
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And I just remember, thinking, how in God's name, am I going to
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get there? And I would start listening
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Going to music and picking out. What I would want, what I want
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to do for that week and I remember punching a song and a
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minute, two minutes. And I was up and getting ready.
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And so I use that as a tool music to try to well so that so
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that I could unpunched the pause button and actually start trying
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to live my life and walk down that walk down that path of
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recovery and it worked there was a lot more in depth and at than
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that most of it was trying to control my tongue.
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The moment you speak negativity. The moment you speak, something
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that is isn't positive, it immediately takes root in your
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brain and it becomes a Battlefield of the Mind.
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And so that is a war that rages between your ears and if you can
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control that if you can prevent those from from those seeds,
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from planting then you've won the war and how I would do that.
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I would Google whatever emotion. I was dealing with fear was was
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the number one emotion and I would Write down scriptures on
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my, on my hand, on my arm, put them on a piece of paper and the
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moment I felt something I would pull them out and I'd say, you
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know, God has not given me the spirit of fear but he's given
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me, peace and a sound mind. And sometimes I would have to do
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that every five minutes, but it would it prevented that
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negativity from planning and eventually, I was able to win
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that war between my two ears. Hmm.
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Yeah, since I brought up mine, I'll tell you after five months.
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I had a good friend. Lunch asked me once about how
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you doing spiritually or whatever.
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And I said you know I know enough, I'm not going to say
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God's not real, I'm not gonna I knew enough that life happens
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and I said I just don't want to really talk about it and I do
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want to talk to him after five months.
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I was at that point I said, it's kind of like when you're married
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and you're in a get in a fight and you're another rooms, you
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know, you're going to make up I'm just not ready to do that
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yet. Yeah, that's what that's what it
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felt like. He just got a he's back you know
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and it usually comes back by helping other people.
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Yeah. Do you agree that?
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So for you helping lead other people in worship healed you for
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me, I just decided to get back and just do something menial
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volunteer in church, you know, and it just started a turnaround
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when I got out of self-pity, you know, that's exactly what he
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told me that day. He said if you get Beyond
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yourself and on something else that's beyond your circumstance
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to help someone else he said, That's how God gives you your
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healing and he said, I see you every single week standing in
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front of that congregation with an unending flow coming through.
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You just a connection between God and the congregation and as
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you as you mr. And as you do that as your
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obedient to what he wants you to do that, God will heal you in
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return. And so I tell people if you're
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stuck and you just don't know what to do, there are babies at
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the hospital that have drug Mama's or you know, are orphaned
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that need need to be. Opt there is homeless people
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that need to be fed. There are elderly people that
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need things done for them, just do something Beyond you and it's
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amazing that immediate peace and comfort and healing that you get
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the moment, you take your focus off of yourself.
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So that I'm so glad that you found that is how I found how to
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dig out. Mmm, it's the way the heel and
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is the way to stay healthy mentally and spiritually.
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Yeah, and it's part of I think just part of the human In
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nature, but it's part of the whole call of Faith.
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It's always being filled giving out being filled giving out.
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And a lot of times I think we just get in the cycle.
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What if we're in depression and things and you know, from things
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that happen to us is not judgment there but it really is
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self-pity. It's understandable self-pity,
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but when we give to others, this is even This is how I teach Holy
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Spirit. Stuff you mentioned a
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Pentecostal Church earlier, not a legalistic Pentecostal church,
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but you're a Pentecostal Church. Could just mean, people are
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comfortable with letting the spirit the gifts of the Spirit
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modern day. Whatever.
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Is that they class and read books?
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And how does it work, which gift do I have?
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This is my main thing is always, you know, it's not for you.
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And what you do is you just go help somebody and what I have
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found is what gift is needed for that person.
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Is what can be used at the time and whether it's our healing or
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how God works, the Holy Spirit through other people and gifts
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or thing. It to me, it's like all the
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same, it's all for other people and then he gives you what you
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need and it's usually by somebody else.
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It's a, it's true, it's so true. And you know, whenever we
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started whatever I it's a whole big story of how I got started
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in music. It's really pretty phenomenal.
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How? How much God was really in the
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details of a person that was in xiety I didn't want to go down
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this. Road because I felt like, you
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know, I had this ministry because my dad passed, I would
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rather have my dad back. I don't want this ministry and I
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had to come up to the conclusion of.
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There's nothing I can do about my dad, but there's something I
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can do about helping others along the way.
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And so my first CD was songs that we put on it, making it
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through a trial to, to getting through a trial from the
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beginning to the end and I thought that was my mission in
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life. But God just started dealing
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with me after that album was put out and I was out on the road of
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making it through isn't really the true message Rising above is
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and I thought well I've made it through.
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What else am I supposed to learn?
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Well, we can make it through trials in our life and we can
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sit down and say, okay, thank God until next time I'm through
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it but you never do anything with your knowledge, truly
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Rising above truly thriving in Christ, not just surviving.
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But Thriving is turning back and helping someone else through
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something that's Faith shaking or something that's difficult.
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When we go through something Faith shaking its through the
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same stages of grief. The problem is you know, like
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with me and you you get stuck and you don't want to deal with
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it right now so you get stuck in one of those levels of grief and
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you can't do that. That's one thing that keeps the.
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Keeps you going down the road of healing is is helping others.
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That's what What punches that play button.
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So it's so much more difficult and so much more details.
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You know, your story is so much more difficult than putting it
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into a 20 minute time frame, but but the bird's eye view that
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that's how I got out of it. Yeah, and it's so important.
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I'm kind of a lone wolf. I mean, I like to be in Social.
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Circumstances sometimes I can do it for work and it's not an
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issue and family or whatever, but spiritually and stuff.
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I'm not a big like men's Retreat guy.
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I'll go. But you have talked me into it.
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I'm always not front of the line and I sent the back of the
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church and I listened and but just not in the front of the
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church and greet and everybody kind of a lone wolf guy.
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Yeah, but it's so okay but it's so important to at least, if
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it's not going to be like Kind of figure if it's not going to
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be like shallow in, a lot of numbers that you've got to have
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a few deep relationships on a spiritual level.
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Yeah for. Yeah, for yourself and for them
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because well it helps you on a day-to-day basis but when it
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comes down to it and it's that bad you have a job loss.
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So you have a death loss that you can't get past and or
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there's a something going on the peripheral friends or whatever,
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doesn't hack it, right and I think scripture backs up that
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you really You need that extra person to pull you up.
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You don't tell someone that will hold you up when you're tired
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and you can't stand it anymore. Just to help.
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Help. Give you rest, right?
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And when you can't pray, pray for you.
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But like with me, I had that my husband, but I just bottled it
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all in and I wouldn't allow anyone to help me.
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That was part of it. I had to actually give it up to
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God and give it up to my loved ones and allow them to help me.
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I just it didn't want to deal with it.
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I don't want to talk about it. I just wanted to stay in my own
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little world and so that's the worst thing you can do.
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You have to have an outlet. So with your American Patriot
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album, where did that come from? So Zenit extension to this story
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or is this a new phase for you? It's a beard off the path.
00:20:33
You know. It I have four albums and
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contemporary Christian, then when 2020 hit we decided to do a
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bucket list and do a This album and so going into this year, we
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were a part of a faith initiative group at the White
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House for three years and kind of crossed paths with politics
00:20:51
but really, you know, for the past year or so nothing happened
00:20:55
with that but it reignited about a year ago and a couple things
00:21:01
happened during covid. I think to all of us at some
00:21:03
degree, I'm sure everyone thought this.
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Our freedom is, we're being taken away.
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It was not the America that we knew or grew up in.
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And so I just had, I've always been patriotic.
00:21:14
I've always had military people Personnel vets and current
00:21:19
military in my family, and I've always appreciated it, just just
00:21:24
like every other American has, but for it to be taken away a
00:21:27
little bit or infringed upon, I had a new Awakening when it came
00:21:30
to freedom and, you know, going through my path of recovery, I
00:21:36
had a new Awakening of freedom on a spiritual side.
00:21:40
Coming out of depression. Feeling like the chains had come
00:21:43
off. And so I just me and my husband
00:21:48
talked about it about a year ago and said, you know what, we love
00:21:52
this country so much. And with all of its faults,
00:21:55
we're still the the rescue country were still, the Beacon
00:21:59
of Hope. The lighthouse on the hill, and
00:22:02
we need to above anything. We need to not only rally the
00:22:07
base of Americans who still believe in Freedom still
00:22:10
believe. That this country is great but
00:22:12
we need to magnify and put a spotlight on how great this
00:22:15
country is. And so we just decided to Veer
00:22:17
off of contemporary Christian and do a patriotic album.
00:22:21
One had not been done since Lee Greenwood in the 80s and you
00:22:26
know, people have done songs here and there but not a lot of
00:22:29
new patriotic songs have been created.
00:22:31
So we did five new ones and five covers and I just just wanted to
00:22:36
not only bring attention to this country but to also, With, with
00:22:41
the proceeds from it help veterans and Veteran causes to
00:22:45
help make a difference in the world.
00:22:48
Very good. I sometimes I sometimes I do
00:22:54
sometimes I don't I think I will today and with like a big
00:22:58
question like Natasha if this unfortunately or fortunately
00:23:03
depending on worldview, if you knew this was your last day.
00:23:09
Today. How would you live it?
00:23:13
What would you do? You know what I would?
00:23:16
I've got two boys, 22 and 19 at home and I've got quite a bit of
00:23:21
English, bulldogs at home, my husband of 27 years.
00:23:25
I would gather my loved ones around and I would spend as much
00:23:28
time today as I could, and make sure that they knew that I loved
00:23:31
them. And what was most important to
00:23:34
focus on in this world? Which is love and loving each
00:23:38
other. That's right.
00:23:40
I have a I guess it's a whiskey barrel.
00:23:43
I forgot you call him when you just use one plank.
00:23:45
There's a word for it. But and you know you could put
00:23:48
words on it sometimes. Good.
00:23:51
Whatever over our kitchen area. Says it's trying to figure out
00:23:55
something scriptural to put. I just put love one another
00:23:57
because I couldn't, it's like all over the place.
00:24:00
Yeah, bottom line along with that.
00:24:03
We have to give. We have to be the fan.
00:24:06
And feet of Christ. And we have to show
00:24:07
unconditional love without expecting anything in return and
00:24:11
just being more selfless as what we need to be and what we live
00:24:15
in a better world. If everyone just did a little
00:24:17
bit of that every day. And feet of Christ.
00:24:06
And we have to show unconditional love without
00:24:09
expecting anything in return and just being more selfless as what
00:24:13
we need to be and what we live in a better world.
00:24:16
If everyone just did a little bit of that every day.