Self Forgiveness

[00:00:19] My name is Dr. Dave Jones and this podcast is entitled Become A Competent Biblical Counselor

[00:00:25] and today's episode is entitled Self-Forgiveness. Someone writes, I know that God and my wife have

[00:00:33] forgiven me for unfaithfulness yet I don't seem to be happy. Is it possible I am having trouble

[00:00:40] forgiving myself? Well, you know, I think that many people misunderstand the dynamics of

[00:00:48] human life. They misunderstand because they don't read the scriptures carefully enough.

[00:00:54] If we had to forgive ourselves, the Bible would say so in no uncertain terms. If there's anything

[00:01:02] that the Bible talks about, it's the matter of forgiveness. And yet, in all of the word of God

[00:01:08] from Genesis through the book of Revelation, there is not one word, not one single syllable in that book

[00:01:17] that would indicate that a person has to forgive himself. That is a modern psychological concept,

[00:01:24] like many other false concepts, that has been brought into the scriptures from the outside.

[00:01:32] I want to warn you and all of those listening today about that kind of thinking. The Bible has all we

[00:01:39] need to deal with this matter of forgiveness and the Bible does not tell us we need to forgive

[00:01:45] ourselves. Indeed, if the Bible says anything, it makes it clear that we are all too ready to forgive

[00:01:53] ourselves. It talks a great deal about how we make excuses for ourselves. It talks a great deal about how

[00:02:01] we care for ourselves. It talks a great deal about self-interest and how we have to lose that interest

[00:02:07] in ourselves and put our trust in God and in others if we were to find ourselves. But you know, not once

[00:02:15] in all of the Old Testament or in all of the New Testament are we ever told that we must forgive

[00:02:23] ourselves. The idea that there is such a thing as self-forgiveness is not a biblical concept. So,

[00:02:31] my answer to you, my friend, is no. No. If you're having trouble, your problem does not lie in some

[00:02:39] sort of forgiveness that you have to forgive yourself. Well, then where does it lie? All right,

[00:02:46] that's a good question. Let's talk about that for the rest of this broadcast. If you don't have to

[00:02:52] forgive yourself, and the reason, of course, why you don't have to forgive yourself is because your sin

[00:02:58] is against God, and your sin is against your wife, then what do you have to do? Well, you have to

[00:03:06] examine your life more thoroughly. I've had many people come for counseling who have said to me, well,

[00:03:13] I guess I haven't forgiven myself. Everybody else has forgiven me, but something's still wrong.

[00:03:20] Just like this writer, this man says, but you see, I've never once had anybody have any problem

[00:03:26] once he's dealt with the real issues down in his life. And the real issues are this, that sense of

[00:03:34] unhappiness, uneasiness, or uncertainty that lingers after the forgiveness. That kind of queasy feeling

[00:03:42] that something is not all completed yet, that something more needs to be done, does not mean

[00:03:49] that the work of Jesus Christ on the cross was insufficient. It does not mean that his forgiveness,

[00:03:55] which he gives to us is inadequate, and that something has to be added to it. No, that uneasiness

[00:04:03] is misidentified with forgiveness. Forgiveness is simply the promise that God will not bring up our

[00:04:10] sins against us, and use them against us anymore. The uneasiness comes from an entirely different

[00:04:18] matter. The uneasiness comes from the fact that underneath it all, you know that even though

[00:04:24] you've been forgiven, you're still the same person that you haven't changed all that much. And this

[00:04:32] lousy, nasty, sinful thing that you did against God and your wife, that's all still a part of you

[00:04:38] in the sense that the you who did it is still the same you. You haven't really changed the underlying

[00:04:45] patterns of lust or desire. You haven't really changed those things that led to that act of adultery.

[00:04:52] The act has been forgiven, but the person is the same. The act that forgiveness did away with that,

[00:05:01] but you're still there, and you're still the same person who did it. And until you begin to see some

[00:05:08] change in your life, till you begin to see some real alteration in those basic habit patterns that

[00:05:15] led to that difficulty, you're going to continue to feel uneasy. And you should. And you should thank

[00:05:22] God that you do. So what I suggest is this, that you take a complete inventory of your life. You ask

[00:05:30] yourself, what was it that led to this? Was it going with the wrong persons to the wrong place?

[00:05:36] The wrong associates? All right, I'll have to change those and replace my life with the right

[00:05:42] associates. Was it having time on my hands in which I sat and brooded and thought and thought about all

[00:05:49] the sort of immoral things that I shouldn't think about? All right, I'll quit. I'll schedule up my

[00:05:55] life so that I don't have such time. And when my mind begins to wander, I'll carry around a list of

[00:06:02] things that I could productively put my mind to instead. Start planning the vacation, maybe the

[00:06:09] first item on the list or whatever it may be. If it was a matter of not getting questions settled with

[00:06:14] my wife and thus becoming embittered toward her. All right. Ephesians 4 says, don't let the sun go

[00:06:20] down on your anger. I'm going to start dealing with questions day by day. If it's a matter of certain

[00:06:27] things that need to be worked out yet. All right. I'm going to try to work them out with her before God.

[00:06:33] And if not, I'm going to my pastor, the two of us, and we're going to get these matters all worked

[00:06:39] through. In other words, the uneasiness that you feel to something undone, left undone, that yet

[00:06:48] needs to be done is exactly that. Forgiveness is not an end. It's a beginning. Forgiveness says that

[00:06:56] the old bad sin and relationship has been forgiven, but now it needs to be dealt with. Once we come to

[00:07:02] Christ and we're forgiven of our sins, God doesn't end the whole matter there. He begins. He begins to

[00:07:10] work in our lives to change us and to make us what we need to be and tells us that that change must

[00:07:17] take place. Look at Ephesians 4 17 when you have a moment later on today to see what it says.

[00:07:24] But I'm going to tell you now, if you have this problem, it's not a matter of forgiving yourself.

[00:07:29] It's a matter of dealing with the things that led to the sin that still are a part of your habit patterns,

[00:07:36] still a part of your lifestyle, so that the biblical alternative as a lifestyle now becomes

[00:07:42] your concern. Day by day, you begin to build that in. As you go to work on that, I guarantee you

[00:07:50] that the feeling of uneasiness will begin to disappear until finally, as you begin to see progress being

[00:07:57] made, the whole question will have been resolved. I have never yet had a person who said, well,

[00:08:03] do I need to forgive myself? Who, once he started to go to work seriously on changing the past lifestyle

[00:08:11] that led to the sin in the first place, still had that question. This is your difficulty. Don't play

[00:08:17] around with some kind of talking to yourself about forgiveness. Go to work. Applying the word of God by

[00:08:24] the power of the Spirit of God to that life of yours so that it has changed. Lord, help us to see this,

[00:08:33] to recognize this, and to live for this. For Christ's sake we pray. Amen.