Returning Your Serve

[00:00:00] How to Become A Competent Biblical Counselor

[00:00:03] Become a competent biblical counselor.

[00:00:22] I'm Dr. Dave Jones and today's episode is entitled,

[00:00:25] Returning Serve.

[00:00:28] Returning Serve.

[00:00:30] So let's get into it.

[00:00:32] I want to start with 1 Peter 3.

[00:00:35] Here we have in verse 9 a very

[00:00:38] transient statement reflecting the words of Jesus Christ himself.

[00:00:42] Here, applied to the home situation,

[00:00:45] not returning evil for evil or insult for insult,

[00:00:49] but giving a blessing instead.

[00:00:52] For you were called for the very purpose

[00:00:55] that you might, get this,

[00:00:57] that you might inherit a blessing,

[00:01:00] not returning evil for evil or insult for insult.

[00:01:04] Whenever I read these words I think about a case

[00:01:08] in counseling that once took place.

[00:01:11] The husband and the wife came in

[00:01:14] and before they came in the husband called up

[00:01:17] and he said, my wife and I are separated

[00:01:20] and my Christian pastor says to me

[00:01:23] that my viewpoint on what we separated about

[00:01:26] is correct.

[00:01:28] And her physician who was a Christian says no,

[00:01:31] her viewpoint is correct.

[00:01:34] And he said, I don't know why I'm calling you

[00:01:37] but somebody said I should call

[00:01:39] and we should talk about counseling.

[00:01:42] And then he said it won't do any good

[00:01:44] because you're either going to take her viewpoint

[00:01:48] or my viewpoint and we'll be just where we are today.

[00:01:51] Like we are with the pastor taking one viewpoint

[00:01:54] and the Christian physician taking the other viewpoint

[00:01:57] and neither one's going to listen to what the other has to say

[00:02:00] so I don't know why I'm calling you anyway.

[00:02:03] Well, that wasn't a very good beginning

[00:02:06] for counseling as you can see but I said to him

[00:02:10] if your mind's made up it isn't going to do you any good

[00:02:14] I can guarantee you won't get anything out of it

[00:02:18] but just for what it might be worth

[00:02:21] let me tell you I don't intend to take either side.

[00:02:25] I expect to take God's side

[00:02:28] and I think that in the long run

[00:02:30] we'll both be on the side of God.

[00:02:34] Well, he just sort of sat still

[00:02:36] and then he said well that sounds different

[00:02:39] but he will come.

[00:02:41] So they both arrived in the office and they began to talk

[00:02:44] and I must explain to you that in our counseling sessions

[00:02:47] we don't encourage people to get angry with one another

[00:02:51] and we don't even let it happen.

[00:02:53] I don't let them use angry and nasty words toward each other

[00:02:57] or say things that are harsh or cruel

[00:03:00] or un-Christian in any way.

[00:03:02] I say to them that this is not going to happen here.

[00:03:07] This may be the one hour during the week

[00:03:09] where you're going to have to have a sane

[00:03:12] and civil and Christian kind of conversation.

[00:03:15] It may be the only hour during the week

[00:03:18] but it's surely going to happen.

[00:03:20] If you're going to be here

[00:03:22] you're not going to be somewhere else in your mind.

[00:03:26] So there were several times in which I had to call them down

[00:03:29] at the very beginning of their session

[00:03:32] and say to them hey wait those words

[00:03:34] are not going to be allowed here

[00:03:36] and before long I came to realize

[00:03:38] in the first five or six minutes I guess

[00:03:41] they were so apt, so experienced, so skilled

[00:03:45] and saying nasty things to one another

[00:03:48] and in driving in the knife

[00:03:50] and twisting it by the words that they used

[00:03:52] that they didn't even realize

[00:03:54] that they were saying it half the time.

[00:03:57] It becomes so habitual

[00:03:59] and it was so much a part of them

[00:04:01] and I had to make them conscious of it

[00:04:03] every time they did it

[00:04:05] in order for them even to think about

[00:04:08] in order to stop.

[00:04:09] It was an amazing situation.

[00:04:11] It took us a full six weeks

[00:04:14] for them to get out of that spirit

[00:04:16] and to get into a new one

[00:04:18] to really begin to conquer

[00:04:20] and change the whole attitude

[00:04:22] of beginning to talk in a way

[00:04:24] toward one another.

[00:04:26] One would say something nasty

[00:04:28] and the other would say the same thing

[00:04:30] in response only twice as nasty

[00:04:32] and then the other one would respond

[00:04:34] even more nastily to that and so on

[00:04:37] not returning evil for evil

[00:04:39] or insult for insult.

[00:04:41] That is part of a marriage

[00:04:43] that Christ wants to see

[00:04:45] a marriage where we do not return

[00:04:47] the same kind of sin in kind.

[00:04:50] I always think also of an illustration here

[00:04:53] that may make it clear to you.

[00:04:55] You know, the scriptures say

[00:04:57] that a harsh answer stirs up strife

[00:05:00] and that a soft answer turns away wrath.

[00:05:03] In other words, we need instead

[00:05:06] of responding to one another with insults

[00:05:08] who has insulted us or evil

[00:05:10] to one who has done evil to us

[00:05:13] we need to respond with a soft response

[00:05:16] or a soft answer.

[00:05:18] Take for example a ping-pong game.

[00:05:20] Here are two people playing ping-pong

[00:05:23] and all of a sudden one of them

[00:05:25] smashes a ball across the net.

[00:05:27] What does his opponent have to do?

[00:05:29] He steps back from the table

[00:05:31] in order to receive that smash.

[00:05:33] Then he smashes one back and return

[00:05:35] and the other party has to step back

[00:05:37] from the table in order to receive that.

[00:05:40] And what has happened

[00:05:42] by smashing the ball across the table

[00:05:44] at one another is that the two

[00:05:46] have been driven farther apart

[00:05:49] rather than pulling them closer together.

[00:05:52] But suppose somebody smashes a serve to you

[00:05:55] and you just barely put your paddle

[00:05:58] up there to receive it

[00:06:00] and the ball just gently goes over the net.

[00:06:03] What does that do?

[00:06:05] That pulls your opponent in toward you

[00:06:07] in order to receive the soft answer of your paddle

[00:06:10] rather than a hard smash of your paddle.

[00:06:14] That same thing is true in a marriage.

[00:06:16] The same thing is true in any human relationship

[00:06:19] between two parties in this world.

[00:06:22] If we smash back what a person has first

[00:06:25] smashed across the net at us and return,

[00:06:28] we just drive them farther and farther apart from us

[00:06:31] and we from them.

[00:06:33] So the scriptures want us to pull together

[00:06:35] and they say don't return evil for evil

[00:06:38] or insult for insult.

[00:06:40] After all, we are to overcome evil with good.

[00:06:45] Paul says in Romans 12,

[00:06:47] where these same words are echoed,

[00:06:49] where we are never to return evil for evil,

[00:06:52] Paul says instead we are to overcome evil

[00:06:55] and not be overcome by evil.

[00:06:58] So you see, when you have to return evil for evil,

[00:07:02] you have been overcome by evil.

[00:07:06] That is, you have adopted the same stance

[00:07:09] as the one who has done evil to you.

[00:07:12] Instead of reducing the amount of evil in the world,

[00:07:15] the very evil that hurt you

[00:07:17] that did something that you disliked,

[00:07:19] the very evil that was aimed toward you

[00:07:22] and that made things so unpleasant for you,

[00:07:25] you have in turn doubled the kind of unpleasantness

[00:07:28] when you return evil for evil.

[00:07:31] And a Christian doesn't go around spreading more of the same.

[00:07:35] The Christian responds to evil with good.

[00:07:39] The Christian refuses to be overcome by evil

[00:07:42] to join the evil camp,

[00:07:44] be overcome by it, taken captive by the evil one

[00:07:48] and then serve on his side by giving more of the same

[00:07:51] and spreading more evil in the world.

[00:07:54] Instead, the Christian responds to evil with good.

[00:07:59] It gives a soft answer.

[00:08:01] It returns blessing instead.

[00:08:03] But right now just think about those situations

[00:08:06] that have happened this day

[00:08:08] or that have happened this week

[00:08:10] or that may even happen tonight or tomorrow.

[00:08:14] You've got to learn how to respond

[00:08:16] to your husband or to your wife

[00:08:18] in a way that is different

[00:08:20] from the way that he or she has wrongly treated you.

[00:08:23] Let's assume that that other party

[00:08:25] for the moment has wrongly treated you

[00:08:27] in some very serious manner.

[00:08:30] Said something exceedingly insulting

[00:08:32] or exceedingly nasty or exceedingly hurtful.

[00:08:35] Now, what are you going to do in response?

[00:08:38] No, you're not going to give back in kind.

[00:08:42] You're not going to, as you might put it,

[00:08:44] right the wrongs.

[00:08:46] You're not going to take revenge.

[00:08:49] Vengeance is mine.

[00:08:50] I will repay, says the Lord.

[00:08:52] It doesn't belong to you.

[00:08:54] It's not your job to be revengeful.

[00:08:57] It's your job to overcome evil with good,

[00:09:01] to return a blessing instead of a curse,

[00:09:04] to return good for insults.

[00:09:07] That's what our Lord Jesus did

[00:09:09] when they insulted him on the cross.

[00:09:11] When their words were,

[00:09:13] come on down from the cross if you are the king.

[00:09:16] Words of insult,

[00:09:18] words of mockery, words of just...

[00:09:21] Just what kinds of words did he return?

[00:09:24] He returned words of blessing.

[00:09:27] He prayed, Father, forgive them

[00:09:29] for they know not what they do.

[00:09:31] Was that prayer ever answered?

[00:09:33] You better believe it.

[00:09:35] There were thousands who had Peter's sermon

[00:09:37] when he preached.

[00:09:39] And he said,

[00:09:40] You with wicked hands have slain the Lord of glory.

[00:09:43] Repented and became Christian

[00:09:45] and answered to their prayer.

[00:09:47] The apostle Paul was the answer to Stephen's prayer

[00:09:51] when he echoed the words of the Lord

[00:09:53] when he was stoned to death.

[00:09:55] And your prayer of blessing

[00:09:57] can be also answered for your spouse.

[00:10:00] So take your time

[00:10:02] in really thinking about

[00:10:05] what this episode is all about.

[00:10:07] What kind of a serve are you returning to your mate?

[00:10:11] And have you been doing it habitually?

[00:10:13] Do you think that you're right?

[00:10:15] And how is it really helping things?

[00:10:17] You know what's interesting is that somebody,

[00:10:20] either you or your spouse,

[00:10:22] somebody has got to start

[00:10:24] serving soft replies.

[00:10:27] Serving loving attitudes.

[00:10:30] Re-examining how you're serving

[00:10:34] to the insults that your mate might be giving you.

[00:10:38] Think about it. You can do this.

[00:10:40] God requires it.

[00:10:42] It's not a conditional statement.

[00:10:44] It's a command.

[00:10:45] So do what he wants you to do.

[00:10:47] He'll bless you.

[00:10:48] He'll guide you directly.

[00:10:49] He'll prepare the heart of the person

[00:10:51] that you're trying to respond with blessings to.

[00:10:54] Have a great day.

[00:10:55] Thanks for listening.

[00:10:56] And I'll talk to you later.

[00:11:04] I'll see you in a minute.