Language in Counseling

[00:00:18] Welcome and greetings to Become A Competent Biblical Counselor. I'm Dr. Dave Jones, and this is our 100th episode.

[00:00:28] And the reason of all these episodes is that it was my intention to help people who would like to be a biblical counselor but just didn't know how to go about doing it.

[00:00:39] They had the desire, they feel that they had the gift to want to help people, but they just didn't understand how they could use the Bible to help people overcome their problems.

[00:00:49] And so this was the purpose of the entire dynamic of Become A Competent Biblical Counselor is to help you learn how to be just that.

[00:00:59] And today's episode is entitled Language in Counseling.

[00:01:05] And this is very important because you're going to hear some things in this episode that's going to give you some ammunition, if you will,

[00:01:12] to help you combat those excuses and alibis that your counselors will have in doing what Scripture has required of them to do.

[00:01:22] So I think you'll find this interesting. And so let's get into it.

[00:01:27] So today we're going to do something a little bit different, as I just mentioned.

[00:01:31] And I like to have some variety now and then on the broadcast, and so we don't get very much, but our subject matter usually gives us some variety.

[00:01:42] So we're going to do an entirely different sort of thing.

[00:01:45] A few weeks ago on a broadcast earlier, I was talking about language and what its effect has upon us.

[00:01:52] I was pointing out that we use language for two purposes, for communicating with others and also for thinking and communicating with ourselves.

[00:02:02] What we say we tend to believe.

[00:02:05] That is, we convince ourselves far more frequently than we convince others.

[00:02:11] So it's very important that we examine our own language from time to time.

[00:02:15] And I'm going to give you a whole series of language phrases that counselors, at least I and the others that I'm associated with here,

[00:02:24] very, very frequently from counselees.

[00:02:27] And this language needs challenging and needs thinking about.

[00:02:31] So I'm going to give you this series of phrases.

[00:02:34] And also I'm going to give you a challenge to think about in relationship to it.

[00:02:39] All right. So here we go.

[00:02:42] You think about language in terms of your life and see if you are using any of these phrases and see if the challenge to this phrase doesn't make you rethink your own living patterns in ways that just may change your life.

[00:02:55] So here's the first counseley remark.

[00:02:58] I can't.

[00:03:00] What's the challenge to it?

[00:03:02] Well, our counselor might say, do you mean can't or won't?

[00:03:07] Or he might say, God says you can.

[00:03:11] Here's another one.

[00:03:13] I've done everything that I could.

[00:03:14] All right.

[00:03:16] Let me challenge that.

[00:03:18] Really? You mean everything?

[00:03:20] Well, what about, and then we might fill in a dozen different things.

[00:03:25] So here's a third one.

[00:03:27] Oh, I've tried that, but it didn't work.

[00:03:29] Did you really try?

[00:03:32] How many times did you try it?

[00:03:34] For how long did you try it?

[00:03:35] In what way specifically did you try it?

[00:03:38] How consistently did you try it?

[00:03:42] What are the details?

[00:03:43] Precisely.

[00:03:44] Step by step.

[00:03:46] Notice that when people start giving you these kind of questions, you have to drill down and get very detailed about what they said.

[00:03:56] And challenge them about what they said.

[00:03:58] You're going to find out a lot of times, too.

[00:04:00] They're saying things that just don't make sense.

[00:04:02] These are just knee-jerk reactions.

[00:04:04] And I want you to be prepared to challenge everything they say.

[00:04:09] And let them hear.

[00:04:10] When you repeat it back to them, this is what you said.

[00:04:13] This is not what I'm getting out of your feelings or how you're acting, what your behavior is.

[00:04:18] This is what you said.

[00:04:19] Explain that to me.

[00:04:20] Okay, so let's do some more.

[00:04:22] What did you do?

[00:04:23] If it's what God says to do, and you say you tried it and it didn't work, you failed.

[00:04:29] God didn't fail.

[00:04:31] Here's a fourth little phrase.

[00:04:33] Well, I did my best.

[00:04:35] You can say, are you really sure you did your best?

[00:04:39] Tell me precisely what you did.

[00:04:42] Or maybe we ought to put it this way.

[00:04:44] Remember, the best is what God says to do.

[00:04:48] Did you really do what he says to do?

[00:04:50] Or perhaps we might answer this way.

[00:04:52] Okay, you did your best.

[00:04:55] How about trying God's best?

[00:04:58] Here's another one.

[00:04:59] No one believes me.

[00:05:01] Well, here's your challenge.

[00:05:03] Can't you think of one person who does?

[00:05:06] How about some more?

[00:05:08] Or, you know, I believe you, or Godly Shirley believes you.

[00:05:12] Here's another one.

[00:05:13] I could never do that.

[00:05:16] Never is a long time.

[00:05:19] Really, how long do you suppose it might take to learn to do it?

[00:05:23] By the way, if you think hard enough, you'll discover that you've learned to do a number

[00:05:28] of things that are harder or just as hard.

[00:05:31] Take, for instance, and you think about whatever it, for instance, might be.

[00:05:35] Here's another remark that we hear often in counseling.

[00:05:38] Well, if I had the time, I'd do it.

[00:05:42] Respond this way.

[00:05:43] You do have the time.

[00:05:45] Indeed, we all have 24 hours each day.

[00:05:49] It depends on how you slice the pie.

[00:05:52] Now, why don't you work on drawing up a schedule that honors God?

[00:05:55] You know, God never asked you to do anything he doesn't give you the time to do.

[00:06:00] So here's another counseling remark that needs challenging.

[00:06:04] Don't blame me.

[00:06:06] Well, who really deserves to blame according to the word of God?

[00:06:10] Are you saying you're not responsible for your actions, your thoughts, your behavior,

[00:06:14] your words?

[00:06:15] What do you think God says about blame?

[00:06:19] Here's another one.

[00:06:20] Don't ask me.

[00:06:22] But you know, the counselor often has to say, I am asking you.

[00:06:27] Who else would know?

[00:06:28] I'm sure you know the answer if you think hard enough.

[00:06:32] Look, I'll try to help you with some other related questions that perhaps we can come up with it.

[00:06:37] So here's another one.

[00:06:39] I guess so.

[00:06:41] Are you really guessing?

[00:06:43] Or is that what you believe and think?

[00:06:45] Are you afraid to really say what is true?

[00:06:49] Okay, here's another one.

[00:06:51] You know how it is.

[00:06:53] No, others really don't know how it is with you.

[00:06:56] Only God really knows, and you can.

[00:06:59] Can you really explain it more fully?

[00:07:02] But I've prayed about it.

[00:07:04] Fine.

[00:07:05] Then what did you do?

[00:07:07] Or have you prayed for help to discover what God's Word says to do about the problem?

[00:07:12] And what exactly did you pray?

[00:07:14] Or are you practicing what you pray?

[00:07:17] Here's another.

[00:07:19] I'm at the end of my rope.

[00:07:21] Answer.

[00:07:22] Which end?

[00:07:23] Perhaps you're beginning to uncoil your problem God's way for the first time.

[00:07:29] Here's another one.

[00:07:31] I have a need to look.

[00:07:33] Is it really a need?

[00:07:35] Or is it just your desire?

[00:07:37] Or maybe a habit?

[00:07:38] Do you really need it?

[00:07:42] And yet another one.

[00:07:44] I'm just one of those people who has to fill in the blank.

[00:07:49] Yes, I'm sure you are.

[00:07:50] But Christ wants you to become a different sort of person who doesn't have to.

[00:07:54] That's just the way I am.

[00:07:56] Doubtless.

[00:07:57] But God says you can be different.

[00:08:00] That's impossible.

[00:08:01] What do you mean?

[00:08:02] Of course.

[00:08:03] Is that it's very difficult, but certainly not impossible with God.

[00:08:08] But there are all sorts of objections to doing that.

[00:08:13] Would you mind naming six really or seven?

[00:08:16] You know, usually we can't even name them.

[00:08:20] Here's one I get a lot.

[00:08:21] You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

[00:08:23] Well, perhaps that's true, but you are not a dog.

[00:08:27] You were created in the image and likeness of the living God.

[00:08:30] He knows you and commands you to change.

[00:08:35] Or someone might say, it'll never work.

[00:08:38] You can say if it's God's way, it always works when people abandon that attitude.

[00:08:44] I'll never forgive him.

[00:08:46] If you're a child of God, as you claim, you will.

[00:08:50] You're going to live with him for eternity.

[00:08:52] Why don't you forgive him and begin to get used to it now?

[00:08:58] And then somebody might say, I don't do anything halfway.

[00:09:02] So, are you sure?

[00:09:04] Can you think of some things that you do, for instance, about what everyone or everything is against me?

[00:09:11] No, you're wrong.

[00:09:12] If you're a Christian, the Bible says the opposite.

[00:09:15] It says in Romans 8.31, if God be for us, who can be against us?

[00:09:20] And finally, how do you feel about fill in the blank?

[00:09:24] May I tell you what I think?

[00:09:27] Or may I only discuss my emotions?

[00:09:29] You see, my friends, there are many, many ways that we cloud issues for ourselves and for others with our language,

[00:09:37] with our remarks, with our phrases, which are not cut out of biblical cloth at all,

[00:09:43] but out of some material that's synthetic and false,

[00:09:47] and will never stand the wear and tear of real life.

[00:09:51] Try to condition your language, even the way you talk to others and to yourself,

[00:09:56] that your thinking and your living may be more oriented toward God in the future.

[00:10:01] Lord, help us to think about the way that we speak,

[00:10:04] for language is what you have given to us as a very exceptional and precious gift.

[00:10:09] May we not misuse or abuse it, but rather represent life in your word, truly, by ours.

[00:10:17] So, that's an unusual discourse in getting the point across with respect to language.

[00:10:25] What language are you saying to yourself in generalities

[00:10:29] that should have a significant amount of detail attached to that word relative to what do you mean?

[00:10:36] Please explain that.

[00:10:37] Give me three or four examples of what you mean by that.

[00:10:40] When you start getting detailed with the words and the phrases that people are using,

[00:10:45] you communicate with them that you are taking them very seriously about what they say.

[00:10:50] You are listening very, very carefully to what they're saying and how they're saying it

[00:10:55] to the point of challenging them with the words that they're using

[00:11:00] and causing them to rethink their perceptions of how they're feeling

[00:11:05] based upon the words that they're using.

[00:11:08] I hope this helps and you put it into practice.

[00:11:11] And be blessed.

[00:11:12] Talk to you later.

[00:11:13] Bye.