Blame Shifting

[00:00:19] I'm a competent biblical counselor. I'm Dr. Dave Jones and today's episode is entitled Blame Shifting.

[00:00:27] So let's get into it. I'm happy to be with you here again, especially since we are going to be discussing something that is very important to me.

[00:00:36] And I think it's important to every counselor who talks to other people, the idea of preventing difficulties.

[00:00:43] You know, we counselors who are on the remedial side of things from day to day, listening to the same old difficulties and the same old problems,

[00:00:52] and knowing that if only people had been warned ahead of time, and somebody had taken the time, taken the care to help them not to go into the ways in which they are moving,

[00:01:04] that many of these people could have been saved untold agony in their personal lives, could have saved congregations from difficulty,

[00:01:13] could have saved marriages from havoc, and indeed, could have, instead of wasting all the energies and all the time in their lives that they wasted with those problems,

[00:01:23] could have been using those days and those hours productively in the service of Jesus Christ.

[00:01:28] So we're going to talk about prevention instead of cure, instead of rehabilitation, instead of remedial efforts.

[00:01:37] For these sessions, we're going to talk about what you parents and Sunday school teachers and pastors can do,

[00:01:45] especially to help children from going in the wrong directions at an early age,

[00:01:49] so that in the days to come when they become adults,

[00:01:52] they will not find themselves in the same difficulties that you and many of your friends have found themselves in.

[00:01:59] And the first topic that we're going to consider is blame shifting.

[00:02:04] If there is anything that children need to be taught,

[00:02:07] it is that they need to assume their own responsibilities,

[00:02:11] their own blame for what they have done wrong.

[00:02:15] Perhaps nothing brings as much agony, as much misery,

[00:02:18] and as much difficulty in a home or in later married life,

[00:02:22] or in society,

[00:02:23] as blame shifting.

[00:02:25] So, we all know about that.

[00:02:27] We know about blame shifting.

[00:02:29] But let's go back to the Garden of Eden,

[00:02:32] where we see the beginning of blame shifting.

[00:02:36] There it was, back there at the beginning of the human race.

[00:02:39] What did men and women decide to do

[00:02:42] when the finger was put on them?

[00:02:44] They shifted the blame.

[00:02:46] You remember, God came to Adam and he said,

[00:02:49] Adam, did you eat of that fruit?

[00:02:52] Adam said,

[00:02:53] Lord, the woman that you gave me,

[00:02:56] she.

[00:02:57] In other words, he was saying to God,

[00:03:00] look, don't look at me.

[00:03:01] It's not my fault.

[00:03:03] You gave me a woman like that to live with.

[00:03:06] And it's your fault.

[00:03:07] And it's her fault.

[00:03:09] She tempted me.

[00:03:10] And you gave her to me in the first place.

[00:03:13] So, don't blame me.

[00:03:14] It's not my fault.

[00:03:15] And then the Lord goes over to the woman and he says,

[00:03:19] Oh, how about it, Eve?

[00:03:20] And Eve responds,

[00:03:22] Now, the serpent, he.

[00:03:25] You see, she's shifting the blame.

[00:03:28] Adam shifts it to God and to his wife.

[00:03:31] His wife shifts it to the serpent.

[00:03:34] Now, it's true that Eve was to blame.

[00:03:37] It's true that the serpent was to blame.

[00:03:40] But it's also true that Adam was to blame.

[00:03:44] And he should have admitted it.

[00:03:46] And it's true that Eve should have admitted her blame.

[00:03:50] As a matter of fact, from the very beginning of the human race,

[00:03:54] as they fell like a row of dominoes,

[00:03:56] that you flip with a finger and the row goes down,

[00:04:00] boxcarring one domino to the next,

[00:04:02] until it reaches the present generation.

[00:04:05] With your grandparents, your parents,

[00:04:07] and now you and your children,

[00:04:09] there has been nothing but a generation,

[00:04:13] after a generation,

[00:04:15] of blame shifters born.

[00:04:17] From the very beginning,

[00:04:19] children start shifting blame onto their brothers,

[00:04:22] their sisters,

[00:04:23] their friends,

[00:04:24] their neighbors,

[00:04:25] the teacher in school,

[00:04:26] some other kid that sits next to them,

[00:04:28] whatever it may be,

[00:04:29] but they are blame shifters.

[00:04:33] Now, we ought to realize that as parents,

[00:04:36] we ought to recognize this tendency,

[00:04:38] this sinful tendency in our children.

[00:04:41] How can you avoid it, really?

[00:04:43] The problem is that we must learn how also to cope with it,

[00:04:47] how to make blame shifting impractical

[00:04:50] and unprofitable to our children.

[00:04:53] You know,

[00:04:54] that's what it's talking about in Ephesians 6,

[00:04:57] for when it says,

[00:04:58] Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger,

[00:05:01] but bring them up in the discipline

[00:05:03] and counseling of the Lord.

[00:05:05] Now, that word discipline is an interesting word.

[00:05:08] It's a word that means structuring a life

[00:05:10] with the authority behind it

[00:05:12] that has teeth in it.

[00:05:14] That is, you say,

[00:05:16] this is the way you're going to go.

[00:05:18] This is the way you're not going to go.

[00:05:21] And if you don't go the way that you say

[00:05:23] that you should go,

[00:05:24] or if you do go the way

[00:05:26] that you're not supposed to go,

[00:05:28] you must know how to back that up

[00:05:30] with the right kind of disciplinary measures

[00:05:33] that will make it extremely unprofitable

[00:05:36] for children to go in the ways

[00:05:38] that are out of accord with their parents' wishes.

[00:05:40] And hopefully,

[00:05:42] those wishes are based upon the word of God.

[00:05:45] So what you want to do

[00:05:46] is to not only punish the wrong that a child does,

[00:05:50] but in addition,

[00:05:51] punish that child

[00:05:52] if he shifts the blame

[00:05:55] from himself.

[00:05:56] So,

[00:05:58] that in addition to the first sin,

[00:06:00] he recognizes that the sin of blame shifting

[00:06:03] is going to have to be handled as well.

[00:06:06] And it will then begin to pay off for him

[00:06:09] if he tells the truth

[00:06:11] rather than shifts the blame.

[00:06:13] If he assumes a responsibility,

[00:06:16] if he's willing to admit his wrong

[00:06:17] and confess his sin,

[00:06:19] and he's willing to stand up to his punishment,

[00:06:21] he's going to find out

[00:06:23] that he gets one,

[00:06:25] not two,

[00:06:27] punishments.

[00:06:28] He's going to find out

[00:06:29] that he gets this one swat

[00:06:31] rather than two.

[00:06:32] In other words,

[00:06:33] we're going to have to be

[00:06:34] always aware of this tendency

[00:06:36] within our children

[00:06:37] and to try to check it at every point

[00:06:40] so that he sees

[00:06:41] that this is not the way

[00:06:42] that he should go.

[00:06:44] For instance,

[00:06:45] if our child comes home and says,

[00:06:46] well, you know I'm doing all right in math

[00:06:50] and I'm doing all right in English

[00:06:53] and I'm doing pretty good in science,

[00:06:55] but I've got problems with social studies

[00:06:58] and my problems are not so much the studies

[00:07:01] and they're not me.

[00:07:02] They're all my teacher's fault.

[00:07:04] You know, it's that teacher.

[00:07:06] That teacher expects too much of us.

[00:07:09] I don't like my teacher.

[00:07:11] That teacher is unreasonable.

[00:07:13] That teacher this,

[00:07:15] that teacher that.

[00:07:15] Here is a kid

[00:07:17] beginning to blame his teacher.

[00:07:20] Now, it's possible

[00:07:21] that the teacher may not

[00:07:23] be the kind of teacher

[00:07:24] that he or she ought to be.

[00:07:26] But I'll tell you,

[00:07:28] a parent who right away

[00:07:30] sides with a child

[00:07:31] against a teacher

[00:07:32] is rarely doing that child any good.

[00:07:35] You'll be much wiser

[00:07:37] to be very cautious

[00:07:38] before siding with a child

[00:07:40] against his teacher.

[00:07:41] After all,

[00:07:42] even then,

[00:07:44] even if the teacher is at fault,

[00:07:46] it's your job

[00:07:47] to help that child

[00:07:48] to respect the authority

[00:07:50] of that teacher.

[00:07:52] But nine times out of ten,

[00:07:53] you're in a blame-shifting situation

[00:07:57] where perhaps

[00:07:57] the teacher

[00:07:59] isn't all that pleasant

[00:08:00] to get along with.

[00:08:01] And so the kid

[00:08:02] has done his work

[00:08:03] and doesn't like the teacher

[00:08:04] and has given up

[00:08:06] and then blamed the teacher

[00:08:08] for not doing the work

[00:08:09] that he himself

[00:08:10] should have been doing.

[00:08:11] All through life,

[00:08:13] people are going to do him wrong.

[00:08:15] He can't shift the blame

[00:08:17] from his fault of response

[00:08:19] to their wrongdoing.

[00:08:20] In early life,

[00:08:21] that child must be taught

[00:08:23] that he has to handle

[00:08:25] a poor teacher.

[00:08:26] He has to handle

[00:08:27] a lousy boss.

[00:08:29] He has to handle a wife

[00:08:31] who's not always agreeable

[00:08:32] or a husband.

[00:08:33] And so we have to learn

[00:08:35] not to shift the blame

[00:08:36] when we do wrong to others

[00:08:38] who may genuinely

[00:08:39] be doing wrong themselves.

[00:08:41] So we have the problem.

[00:08:43] Fighting of children

[00:08:44] with one another,

[00:08:46] sibling rivalry,

[00:08:47] all the way down the line.

[00:08:49] Wherever it appears,

[00:08:51] work on this problem

[00:08:52] with your children

[00:08:52] of blame-shifting.

[00:08:55] There is only one instance

[00:08:56] of blame-shifting

[00:08:57] in the history of the world

[00:08:59] that is satisfactory.

[00:09:00] That is when

[00:09:01] the Lord Jesus Christ

[00:09:02] shifted the blame

[00:09:03] of every Christian

[00:09:04] to himself.

[00:09:06] Not that he excused

[00:09:07] them from it,

[00:09:08] but he bore their penalty

[00:09:10] and suffered

[00:09:10] that awful death

[00:09:12] on the cross

[00:09:12] in their stead.

[00:09:14] Lord, help us

[00:09:15] because our Savior

[00:09:15] shifted our penalty

[00:09:17] to himself

[00:09:18] always to bear

[00:09:19] the responsibility

[00:09:20] for our sin.

[00:09:21] In his name we pray.

[00:09:22] Amen.

[00:09:23] So there's blame-shifting.

[00:09:25] Something that you can

[00:09:27] study,

[00:09:27] think about.

[00:09:28] And one of the ways

[00:09:29] that you can think about it

[00:09:30] is imagine

[00:09:31] during the day

[00:09:32] how many times

[00:09:34] you shift the blame

[00:09:36] yourself.

[00:09:38] Or how many times

[00:09:39] when you're talking

[00:09:39] to your friends

[00:09:40] or family members

[00:09:41] they shift the blame

[00:09:43] to somebody else.

[00:09:45] It's a habit.

[00:09:46] It happens.

[00:09:47] But it's something

[00:09:47] that can be corrected

[00:09:48] and it should be corrected.

[00:09:50] I hope this helps

[00:09:52] and I hope you have

[00:09:53] a blessed day.

[00:09:54] We'll talk to you later.

[00:09:55] Bye.